on the way to the subway i saw a little girl standing under a huge cherry tree that was full in bloom, the branches burning in a fiery, fierce red and she took one branch that hung down low and she shook it and a million glowing blossoms sailed to the ground softly while the girl kept dancing and spinning amidst this raging rain of rubies. it was so beautiful that i had to think of you. there's nothing now, nothing to change, to choose or to improve. every single one of your heartbeats i felt while you were lying with naked breast on my naked chest returns to me like an earthquake and the storms are the soft sighing in your sleep on those early mornings when i was wide awake and watched your face: a treasure that i had to guard, the most beautiful and fragile thing, so precious that i did not dare to touch it. || the bad things are the singular events that i keep remembering, not the overall, grand feeling but the small moments like that night when you were so desperate because your exams didn't go the way you wanted and you were all in tears, lying in my arms on your bed in our first flat and you wouldn't calm down. it was dark, the door was open and the light from the corridor fell on you as i hugged you so hard trying to keep your body from trembling and shaking all over you were so close i could smell your tears you were so near that i could feel your fears. you were so small so vulnerable and i realized that you were all that matters to me and i wanted to protect you with my life.  those small moments come back again and again over and over over over over. why couldn't i be all you need? || i want to bind my knees to my chin and my arms to my waist. all the words i do not have for you come back upon me like hard, sharp rain, this is not like i thought it would be. i wish i was old, i wish i had come to an end, i wish i had leonard's voice or the choice to stitch my lids and lips together. where are you? i'm soaked with hurting: my skin and my bones and my head and my head and the various hearts that i've used up for you, that i've worn out in the struggle to wrestle you down. you and all you meant for me. me and all i did not mean for you.