[march 1, 2002]

anyway, i'm all tired now. i only slept for a couple of hours last night and today i worked all day on the new cover for c/c:c.

got a parcel from paula. more about this tomorrow. when we were driving back home this morning (we spent the short night at tara's parents who live near by cologne) cedric mentioned that he did not believe the story behind eve. he thinks that i've made it all up. he said there were errors in the plot that i invented or something like that. very strange! got to ask him about that some more.

see you tomorrow.

[march 2, 2002]

but now about that SUZANNE VEGA concert: i arrived at the venue just in time to be the sixth in the row that was slowly growing. shortly after that cedric and tara arrived as well as vlad and wojtek (two fellow undertoads). they opened at seven and we got a great place right in front of the stage. as a matter of fact i think these were the best places in the entire hall! shortly before eight o'clock someone entered the stage and took one of the guitars to tune it. it was a roadie and i thought: 'wouldn't it be funny if this were bob hillman. i would probably get a mid-life crisis right on the spot' because the guy on stage looked just a little older then me, perhaps 32 or 33 and of course my big dream is to open for suzanne, actually this would be the final aim in my life and imagining that somebody as old as me had managed this really reminded me again of all the things i have not yet achieved in my life (and - let's be honest - there ain't much chance to achieve them some day). and from his name i supposed that bob would be about 50 or so. anyway, an announcer (i think it was the german tour manager) entered the stage and introduced bob hillman. who was even younger than me! 'great' i thought 'i HATE you!' he plugged in his acoustic guitar and started playing, but the amp didn't work. he looked a little startled and then unplugged the guitar, walked to the front of the stage and stood there as if he were about to stage-dive. and then he started singing the complete first song without amp and without microphone. and i though that this was one of the most courageous things i have ever seen! because i expected the crowd to go angry every moment: first you have to listen to a stupid opening act and then you can't really understand what he's playing there. i thought they would start shouting 'stop it!' or 'get off the stage!' but they didn't. they got very quiet and they listened attentively. and this is how bob hillman turned my hate for him into infinite admiration and i thought 'no wonder that HE is standing there and not me...'

after bob suzanne and the band entered the stage. she looked great! they opened with 'marlene on the wall' and then went on to play for two hours. i can't recall the entire set list, but it included 'gypsy', 'small blue thing', 'left of center', 'the queen & the soldier', 'in liverpool', 'blood makes noise', 'penitent', 'maggie may', 'solitaire', 'luka', 'tom's diner', 'when heroes go down', 'last year's trouble', 'priscilla', 'widow's walk', 'harbor song', 'solitude standing', 'calypso' and 'soap and water'. the sound was FANTASTIC! although they were just four musicians and suzanne didn't play guitar on some of the songs it sounded as if there were six people standing there. Mike was great! he did a bass solo on 'calypso' that took my breath away. you could hear every nuance: the guitar was transparent and clear, the drums were very 'tight' and the bass gave it the underlying structure. i think you could spent an entire concert just listening to mike's bass parts! the whole band played together very, very well. it was a compact and powerful sound. especially on 'solitude standing' and 'widow's walk' which *rocked*. the audience was very enthusiastic and when they were doing the first encore suzanne asked: 'so you wanna hear another song. a new one or an old one?' somebody yelled 'an old one', and suzanne said 'hm' and i took all my courage and shouted 'soap & water!!!' 'soap & water' she said and looked into my direction 'well, that's a new one! but we'll do this as well'  and then they played 'calypso' and after that she said 'this next song is called 'soap & water' and we're playing it by request...' and it was just great! a great great great great great song! the other personal highlight for me was 'harbor song'. suzanne started to play it on the guitar and she did it in the old 'acoustic' style doing the picking she used when she was on the acoustic tour with mike. but then suddenly the whole band set in with the arrangement as they're playing it on the cd and it made me go weak in my knees. it was SUBLIME!

after the show vlad, wojtek, cedric, tara and me went backstage with glynn (who was very nice as usual) and who once again managed to made us feel like guests instead of like the annoying fans that we really were. suzanne came out and we sat down at a long table. i was sitting just 6 feet away from her and she said: 'so you asked for 'soap & water'...' and she even knew who i was, she even knew my name which made my heart - remember, that broken heart, that torn heart, that shredded heart - bloom and glow with a strange fire. we were talking about video shots and september 11 and ruby's way to cope with it. and then cedric got his copy of 'the passionate eye' signed and when suzanne asked how to spell his name he told how he once met john cale and how surprised he was that john knew how to spell it. that was when suzanne told another john cale anecdote: mike had been playing in his band but after a concert when john killed a chicken on stage he left it the next day. ten years later suzanne was opening for john in paris and when john and mike met for the first time after ten years backstage the first thing john said to him was: 'i cut your balls off!'. 'he didn't even say: Hi Mike, i cut your balls off!' suzanne said laughingly - 'and he did!' Mike added and i thought to myself: here i am, a third class songwriter and fourth class literary critic sitting next to suzanne vega who is telling anecdotes and joking like we would know each other for years and it just feels GREAT!!

although the band was tired and had to make all the way to munich the other day they were all very, very nice and friendly and made us feel welcome. suzanne signed a card for me saying: 'To Philipp! after all this time!'. when we left i gave her the note that i had written [it was somethiong i did not want to post to the tow so i wrote it down shortly before the show] and she said that she still has my cd [sisv] and that she will get back to me as soon as her lawyer would have looked into it. we shook hands and i think i said something like: 'thank you! for everything' and i was glad that i had written down a couple of these things that i could not say that moment or had no words to say or felt ashamed to say.

when we left i felt signified and dignified. it was a PERFECT night! and i was very happy that i could share all this with tara & cedric. i think they had a lot of fun as well and they were deeply impressed by meeting and talking to suzanne. sigh. i wish i was bob hillman.
 
  when i returned on friday afternoon a parcel from paula had arrived. a few weeks ago she wrote to me that she was getting rid of things she don't need/use/want anymore so i asked her to send something weird or peculiar or absurd or essential or trashy or beautiful that she stumbles over to me. and she did. so yesterday i got a t-shirt from 'yankton college' and a teddy bear. when you shake it gently you can hear small chimes inside its belly that are ringing softly and it reminded me of the - and now follows a really pathetic story, so if you want to keep me in mind as a cool, stylish and hip person you should not read on here - well, it reminded me of the teddy that i once made for xxxx when we just got to know each other. i made it myself: cut out the fabric and filled it with cotton. and for a heart i inserted a small box containing a piece of paper and a small object. and whenever you shook the teddy gently you could hear something clicking inside its chest. well, i will not tell you what the paper says or what the object is because it would take the fun out of putting secret messages into self made teddys, wouldn't it? so the only way to know what's inside the heart is to cut its skin, peal away the stuffing and break the box. and here we have a very nice metaphor for my situation, haven't we. because someone HAS cut my skin and HAS pealed away the flesh layer after layer and finally HAS broken the box and out stumble all these words.

later

so today paula wrote to tell me the stories behind the gifts:

the bear was given to me by my first girlfriend. so it's a bit tainted for me. but the best part is the chimes in its belly. the t-shirt is from a college in yankton (yankton college!) that went bankrupt in 1984 and was bought by the federal government and is now the site of a prison. i thought you would appreciate the irony. it's a sad story because i was in the 8th grade at the time and my two best friends' parents both worked at the college, and when it closed my friends moved away. but now there's a prison in the middle of town! you can't beat that!

i've just finished writing another long mail to eve which i had been looking forward to all day. i recorded a cd for her with a couple of new nerve bible songs and in return she'll send me a cd with tracks of which i only know one so far: 'wise up' by aimee mann.

[march 3, 2002]

Subject: moon
Date: Sun, 03 Mar 2002 02:04:01 +0100
From: Schwagmeier <cornfield@xxxxx.de>
To: ph@xxxxxxxxxx.com

"if you want to write a song about the moon
walk along the craters of the afternoon
when the shadows are deep
and the light is alien
and gravity leaps like a knife off the pavement
and you want to write a song about the moon
you want to write a spiritual tune
then nah nah nah
presto
song about the moon
if you want to write a song about the heart
think about the moon before you start
because the heart will howl
like a dog in the moonlight
and the heart can explode
like a pistol on a June night
so if you want to write a song about the heart
and its ever-longing for a counterpart
write a song about the moon
the laughing boy
he laughed so hard
he fell down from his place
the laughing girl
she laughed so hard
the tears rolled down her face
hey songwriter
if you want to write a song about
a face
think about a photograph
that you really can't remember
but you can't erase
wash your hands in dreams and lightning
cut off your hair
and whatever is frightening
if you want to write a song
about a face
if you want to write a song about
the human race
write a song about the moon
if you want to write a song about the moon
you want to write a spiritual tune
then do it
write a song about the moon."

(Paul Simon)

[march 4, 2002]

i feel like i'm getting ill. my skin hurts and i'm cold, can't concentrate. yesterday i decided that i will NEVER EVER get in a situation in which i might be seeing|hearing|smelling her or him or her|him. never ever in my life. period. that's why i'm so hesitant to play at tara & cedric's housewarming party. because it's all so complicated now. it means that i would have to come even at the risk of an unwanted encouter and that's not what i will be doing. when nadine asked me on saturday if i wanted to join her shopping in town & i said 'no' because i avoid going into town on saturdays since it is 'her' day she said: 'jesus, philipp - don't you think that this is stupid?' but it isn't. it's about emotional survival. there have been only very few things in my life that i have been this certain about than the descision not to face her|him again.

later

[march 6, 2002]

i had breakfast with nadine today at noon. then we tried to build together a corner-shelf for my kitchen that i got from her brother - and although i am used to building together furniture (i'm an ikea pro!) we did not manage it because that bloody thing lived! it moved on it's own and it was vicious and hostile and would just not fit together. and if it did it wasn't for long. anyway, we added a coupe of screws and now it's more or less stable leaning against the kitchen wall. until it breaks together.

wrote more letters to eve. cedric still doesn't believe that she exist. well, he thinks that she exist but he thinks that i've made the whole she-answered-to-my-ad-thing up using somebody from my nerve bible-'past'. we discussed this in length yesterday night on the phone and i'm having so much fun with the whole story!

yesterday blaine and i started preparing the seminar for next semester but we didn't come very far. instead we argued over george michael and lenny kravitz! sometimes i just stop believing in his common sense. i mean: lenny kravitz! getoutofhere!

when i was sitting on the train back home i realized that i did not have a pen. boy, those were long three hours!

later

[march 7, 2002]

when i was shopping yesterday i bought everything to make a nice fresh salad in the evening but then i thought that it might be nice to have a hot meal (which i did not have in 5 or six days) because it was so cold and windy and rainy outside so i bought a tin of soup, which is quite comfortable because you won't have a lot of work and the only things you need is an oven and a pot. or so i thought. because when i got hungry yesterday night and wanted to heat the soup i turned on the oven and i got out a pot but i realized that there's one more thing that you need and that i did not own: a tin opener. and it was the same old feeling again. you're right in front of it but still you just can't reach it. just like the last few months of our relation. what a pity metaphor! but with a tin it's different than with you. because i thought if it won't open voluntarily i will go for violence: and i got out the screwdriver and the hammer and in a long and difficult surgery i managed to open the tin. of course by that time i wasn't even hungry anymore...

paula gave her okay to post the link for 'ramblings' to the undertow, which i did just a couple of minutes ago. i wonder whether there will be any reactions.

boy - what a rotten day! i can't concentrate and i could lie in bed and eat all day! can't remember when i last was in such a sluffy mood. wonder whether eve will write back tonight.

[march 8, 2002]

much later

today on my way to rehearsal i put a couple of suzyv cd-copies that eve does not have yet into her mailbox - and walking by her house made me feel like a 16 year old - you know: excitment, butterflies and increased heart rate [he he! i can hear cedric in front of his pc going: 'yeah, right!!'].

[march 9, 2002]

i don't know if you've been aware of it but today is BLAINE DAY! what the hell is BLAINE DAY? you might ask yourself! well, i thought it might be a good idea to say a little more about the people 'involved' in this project and i thought i start with blaine:

so blaine is a colleague of mine. he is also working in the english department of cologne university, although he's working for a different professor and is primarily concerned with gender|queer studies. one day thomas [i just realize that it's hard to explain to you who blaine is without having had a THOMAS DAY before...anyway, thomas is my boss] yelled across the corridor: 'philipp, come here!' and, obedient as i am, i followed his voice and ended up in the office of the gender studies people: thomas was standing in the middle of the room and blaine and two other people were sitting there and there was music playing. 'here, you've got to meet blaine!' thomas said 'he's also making music!' he explained, turned around and left the room. so i was standing there with these three people that i did not know and i had no clue what to say and i just thought: 'THANKS THOMAS!' so they played a song that blaine had written and recorded and i liked it very much. so somehow blaine and i started talking about making music and it was all right talking to him, i somehow felt at ease communicating with him, although i did not know him at all. which doesn't happen very often. so over the next week we talked more, exchanged cds and after two or three weeks already we almost met daily when i was in cologne to have a coffee and talk|gossip|complain|brag about our bosses. and although we actually have quite a different taste in music and in most other aspects of life we somehow seem to have known each other for a very long time. there was an instant familiarity among us which helped develop a very open friendship in a couple of months. it is really, really unusual for me to bond with somebody as fast as it happened with blaine. so next semester we're going to do a seminar together and we also have started to play|sing together. although i think that i still should have some influence on his musical taste. he is more into 'danceable stuff' instead of into singer|songwriters, which sometimes i just can't understand and|or accept. we have realized that we share a lot of worries and sorrows and problems with having a job that actually demands full time devotion while feeling that there is something ELSE that we want to do: writing, music or simply LIVING. anyway, without blaine i'd be lost on cologne. by the way, he does not really look like he does on the cover of his cd. when thomas saw the cover he was reminded of a doll that his daughter has: it's a male barbie doll that is a dj: he has little headphones and little records and two turn-tables. so one day he gave blaine that doll as a present and it is sitting on his desk now [see the photo in the 'us' section].

so actually i've known blaine only for a very short time. this - and the fact that it is already pretty late - will let me call it a day now. a BLAINE DAY!

[march 10, 2002]

i've just returned from another sunday [and it is!] walk in the woods. song of the day: laurie anderson: 'muddy river'. splendid idea to clean and polish my boots yesterday! anyway it was quite nice although there's way too much room for letting your mind wander out there. so luckily i had company (amy and emily, suzanne, david and paula were with me) and could control evil thoughts and ideas when it was necessary most of the time.

later

[march 11, 2002]

i was in town this morning because i sent off a cd to fatima and i bought some aspirin. also i had promised paula to send her a photo of me wearing the yankton-college shirt she has sent me. the photos turned out to be okay and you can click here if you want to see them.

met one of xxxx's friends but we gracefully overlooked each other and passed without notice. so now i'm going to have a late breakfast [it's almost one already] and then it's hollow earth time again.

okay what am i going to do? go for a walk or work? go for a walk or work? on the one hand it's just beautiful outside on the other i HAVE to do something. on the one hand i could use the exercise, on the other i know that i will have a bad conscience tonight if i haven't done anything AGAIN. sigh. i think i just sit here and ponder the problem until the sun has gone and i'm too tired to work. i'm listening to joni mitchell, 'man from mars' - i always thought about rob when i listened to it. 'the silence is so full of sounds | you're in them all | i hear you in the water and the wiring in the walls | man from mars | this time you went too far'. the letter to paula with the photos is lying on my desk, waiting to be sent away. i've just called nadine and wanted to ask her whether she wanted to join me on my walk but she's not home. you know what? i'm going for a short walk, put the letter in the mailbox and then work. sounds like a plan, doesn't it. gee, i'm glad i have so many IMPORTANT and highly INTERESTING things to report about!

so i'm back. was sitting in the park and started a mail to paula. your voice as natural as the noise from the birds or the sound of the water fountain, the words grip deep into my mind with long, strong roots, they flower and bloom and i can smell them, kept alive by your soft breathing in between syllables that is so close in my ear as if you were sitting next to me. and it makes me ache from longing. there's a girl in sioux city who offers cartoonish prayers for free. and sometimes when i'm falling, flying or tumblin' in turmoil i say: wow! so this is what she means. 'i crack up every so often'. the warm air moves over my face like water, warm water: how i have longed for it for such a long time. your voice comes from where the water is warm. find me, please oh find me.

anyway, now it's hollow earth time and later that night i think i'm gonna rehears a couple of songs. last night i thought of making

AARRGHH! the university's mail server is driving me crazy! it's making me aggressive! nothing EVER works!! it's always screwed up!! anyway, blaine called just a minute ago and he said that i should add a sentence or two to what i've written on BLAINE DAY: he said that i should clarify the sentence: 'by the way, he [blaine] does not really look like he does on the cover of his cd.' so what i meant is not that he is not as attractive or cool|good-looking as on the cover [quite the contrary] but that he is looking much more FRIENDLY. he might add a couple of sentences on lenny kravitz himself ;-)

[march 12, 2002]

Subject: Rectification
Date: Tue, 12 Mar 2002 12:52:34 +0100
From: blaine <blaine@uni-koeln.de>
To: ph@entropic-empire.com

Not that I'm paranoid or anything (no, No, NO!), but there are a few things I would like to add to the 'musical taste' controversy, because people could be misled by your silly twists of facts: I am heavily into singer/songwriter music. What else would you call Scritti Politti, Prefab Sprout, Neil Finn, Wendy & Lisa, K. D. Lang and George Michael (80s overdose admitted)? And yes, although his name wouldn't be found on my All Time Favourite musicians list, I have some time for Mr. Kravitz who every now and then manages to come up with a good tune, riff, harmony and what have you.
    I think the problem here is that I'm not as funkophobic as my dear friend. On the contrary, I love a good beat and at times this can add quality and physicality to an already good tune.

     Yours sincerely,
      Blaine

Subject: heavens, don't be such a wimp!
Date: Tue, 12 Mar 2002 20:52:34 +0100
From: ph@entropic-empire.com
To: ph@entropic-empire.com

Hey Phil!

While surfing I came across your web site by accident. At first I was quite intrigued by your online journal, but the further I read the more angry I became. Today's entry really made me mad! Don't be such a wimp! Stop whining about how bad you feel and how lonely you are and stop all that pointless rambling!! Christ! Pull yourself together for God's sake! Don't be so fucking pathetic! Where's your dignity? Do you think you're the only one whose bloody relationship broke down! WE are NOT making such a fucking big deal out of it! Grow up, man!!

Philipp

[march 13, 2002]

cedric will visit today and we will work on the hollow earth. i think i should have an hollow earth day because by now you might really wonder what it is all about. but then it's too good to give away and so you might have to wait until the book has been published ;-)

song of the day: morrissey, 'lost'

so if i see you and i tell you how i've watched you
i'm
just
lost
so if i see you and i tell you i've watched you don't make fun of me later cause
i'm
just
lost

later

my eyes ache from staring onto the screen all day, i think i'm gonna go to bed now. sleep well and thanks for reading! see you tomorrow...

[march 14, 2002]

by the way, blaine seemed to be glad that i did not commented on the fact that he backed off from going to see that concert of suzanne at the last minute. boy if he knew what he has missed! i don't think that lenny kravitz could ever deliver such a great live performance! i think i'm gonna copy the taping of the concert for him so he will be REALLY sorry that he wasn't there! he he!

just talked to cedric on the phone - and when i enumerated the reasons for staying in bielefeld i mentioned that xxxx won't probably live two blocks away in our old flat forever and he said: 'are you interested in information about this?' and i just said 'no' but then knew that she probably plans to move, god knows where to, maybe she'll live in a flat on her own, maybe she'll live with him - either way i hated myself instantly again for allowing the pain to board my train of thoughts again. jesus! i should really get an xxxx-filter, could come in handy on saturday night. because that birthday will of course be on march 17, as i originally had thought [well, it would have been too good to be true if i REALLY had already forgotten the date] and just as last year they will party from saturday to sunday.

i think i also finally and more or less involuntarily convinced cedric of the existence of eve. because i discussed the advantages and disadvantages of moving to cologne and of course the biggest 'disadvantage' is eve and i played that tape to him over the phone - and words failed him for a moment ;-) just yesterday i think i 'convinced' him of the opposite when i remarked: well, strike out the g in vega and replace it with the v and what do you get?

later

right now i'm listening to the live version of 'harbor song'. listening to the cologne concert makes me ache so much so much for playing - it sounds so great, the songs are just great and mike's bass is breathtaking, and the drums are so transparent and, well there just aren't enough words to describe the beauty of the sound that these four people are creating and i long to be part of a sound again as well. compared to those songs, our nerve bible sessions sound really, really rough and amateurish!

i dreamed you were a rich girl and that i had no place to go and this is exactly the feeling that acompanies me tonight, that shares this room and the whole apartment, that is waiting in my bed and that has slipped under to covers that i had no place to go i came to you to see if you would take me in and will you even when my words won't make sense anymore, even when the writing fails, even when they are not new to you anymore when they are nothing but a buzzing that you have gotten used to, that you have become tired of? through golden curtains you told me you'd let me know well you drink for ten and you smoke for twenty and you do, don't you? you do again and your fickle heart will never be true and it never will, won't it. it never will ever but still i feel the wind in from the harbor that's when i know the longing for you, that's when i know the old longing for you i wonder whether this new longing is an old longing, i fear that the new longing will turn into the old longing, the old longing for something that i keep losing again and again i saw you in my mind's eye you were layed out on your final day whenever i hear this verse i have to think about rob and about his funeral and  how i stood in line to see that handsome face once more but they had closed to coffin so we stood there in one long line in front of it and instead of seeing him once more i was only staring at the pattern of the wood had been so dear to me i kissed you as you lay and the only thing left to do was to touch the cold, polished wood that was shining like the body of a guitar you were so dear to me i kissed you as you lay now whenever i do travel if to england portugal or spain as i do walk by the shipyards and the harbor i smell the salt and the bay rum of your ghost again i'm missing you, you have so many faces, you have so little faces, one that was covered with wood, one that i haven't seen for so many months that i can hardly remember it, one that i've never seen at all and one in which i hope to find all three again i know the salt and the bay rum and YOU BESIDE ME AGAIN

[march 15, 2002]

it's one in the morning. nadine came over tonight, and we talked, which was nice. tried to explain the concept of discoursive bodies and the mirror stage. failed miserably. it's ridiculous that i call myself a literary critic. it's pathetic [and i REALLY mean this - this is not some pitty fishing for compliments. i know where i'm standing, i do!] now i'm wide awake, even though i got up quite early this morning. i feel like writing something beautiful, something precious, something that will make you drop everything you're doing right now and make you come to me instantly. but i don't know what and i don't know how. i'm not paula, i'm not suzanne, i'm not even him who has found a way to your heart so easily, what did i do wrong? why did i lose that love of yours? what is it? i will never be able to let you anywhere near me again. i will never ever give you a chance again to hurt me as much as you did. it knocked me off my feet. it almost made me lose my mind. and this is meant literally. it almost cracked me up completely. because - and this hasn't happened before - there were times when i did not have words for the pain anymore. i only had pain for the pain then, and these moments REALLY scared me. i don't want to feel anything like that ever again. it i forgot to send congratulations and i did not even signed that letter [*]. no - i haven't forgotten. but i prefer not to think about it. i hope you understand this. please leave me! please! leave me finally! please i want to be free again. for a time without tears, for days without aching, for other arms, for eyes that are not tired of me, for a love that is mutual for somebody who stays with me stays with me stays with me! PLEASE leave me!! but you're doing it again. this very minute, this very moment as i try to wash you from my face and from my mouth and from my fingers. but there's no way to reach that scar on my heart. paula?

[march 16, 2002]

didn't get enough sleep. i have packed my suitcases and bags and i'm going underground now! chasing some deros! see ya!

whoe! somebody's having great fun with me! yesterday night nadine and i started to argue about when i did that gig in the 'Fachhochschule'. i knew it must have been 1994 or 1995 so i said that i could check my old diaries, which i just did while i was making a cup of tea. and when i opened one from 1994/95 there was a small piece of paper pasted on one side. and it read: "gruppe 47, oliver mingers, henriettenstrasse..." and boy i have never in my life closed a book as fast as i did then! oh bad is this? he's even in my past.

the weather is beautiful: it's sunny and spring like. went for another 2 hour walk in the woods listening to selected songs from the cologne concert. thought a lot about eve. thought a lot in general. except for the thoughts about eve it did not make me happy.

just had a surprise call from reiner. he asked for the recordings of the new songs that we have been taping last rehearsal because - and i had almost already forgotten this! - we are planning to tape a demo on good friday, and the songs we've selected are: 'space walk', 'first day love', 'estragon' and either 'more life' oder 'moving'. ten minutes later i had a surprise visit from daniel who spent the week in bochum on some law-school. we talked about the recording the demo and he said that it's time to update the nerve bible pages of entropic empire, which i just did. so i added a small pop up window and i think we should create a completely new design for the pages.

i'll have dinner now, rehears the set for tomorrow and then i'll write to eve and paula. looking forward to that all day. thought a lot about eve. i've finally found a scan of that one photo of me that i like. i think i'm going to attach it - i don't really look like me but it's quite reassuring to know that when the light is right, and the focus is right, and there's a black|white film in the camera and i cover half of my face with my hand and you press the button of the shutter just at the right moment when i do NOT look like a total jerk the result might be a photo of somebody who looks slightly 'attractive' [the latter term used very broadly here].

just talked to nadine on the phone. she has read the online journal today for the very first time. she verbally shook her head in wonder about so much apparent strangeness: 'just WHY exactly do you do this? it's so...self reflective!' she said i was a too 'heady' sort of person and couldn't understand why i haven't met eve yet. also she asked me to change her name, which i just did. so from now on she'll be nadine. and i won't tell her where i got that name from :o)

[march 17, 2002]

last night i started to write a mail to paula. then i delted it. then i started again and deleted it. when i woke up she had written a short and rather desperate mail.

later

[march 18, 2002]

Subject: Chamber music
Date: Sun, 17 Mar 2002 23:52:13 +0100
From: Schwagmeier <cornfield@xxxxx.de>
To: ph@entropic-empire.com

Dear You!

Just wanted to tell you how much Tara and I enjoyed the evening/night with you: What a beautiful and delicate 'Kammerkonzert' that was!!! You must be a wizzard or a magician: With the left hand moving so quietly and elegantly and that right one doing tricks that escape my eyes .... Such a pure beauty you are able to create, nearly unbelievable! And your voice in these times: either an old castle's cold hall or sword, a sharp-edged knife that easily finds what it wants to kill ... I have to admit that I have rarely been more impressed by your singing (& you know that I have seen many gigs of yours ...). You have hands of raining water!

Nighty night!
Yours
CEDRIC

it's 21:27, the rain is drumming onto the streets in hard and endless strings, the water is rushing through the drains, gurgling and foaming. my small room is filled with the smell of candles and the light is very warm and very golden. paul simon is singing and how can you have such a brilliant idea as to use the sound of some sheep's bleating in your song. it's so sad. like a child's cry. 'and they sat among our photographs, examined every one' i wish i had met you already. i wish i had met you today, two persons are merging, i don't know what i'm feeling. there has been a quiet aching in my heart for you all day long. it is growing. it seems to grow with the music and still i can't do anything about it, i wouldn't stand it without the music here, it would be so quite in my flat, it would be so quiet. without your laughter which i don't know anymore. without the sound of you breathing in my ear as you hold me in your arms, i don't know what to do anymore i don't know what to do. 'the arc of a love affair | waiting to be restored | and tell me why | why won't you love for who i am | where i am?' and while i'm writing this you do the same, somewhere across the city, 'filled with warmth and light' and i know that whatever will happen you are the better, the unknown reason to cry for. my throat is burning, hurting from all the sharp memories i've swallowed. i don't want to ache any longer. i don't want to long any longer. i don't want to swallow any longer. i'm missing the image i've made of you. the chimes are clinging softly and muffled. they are close. they are far away. like you are. standing waist high in the middle of an endless corn field with your mouth torn open, screaming against a sky. i'm holding on to everything i have of you: words, voice, an image. a clinging substitute body, distributed by toys 'r' us, made in china. welcome to love land.

[march 19, 2002]

later

all day long the wind came in from the harbor. i've been listening to william orbit's interpretation of 'adagio for strings' when i went for a small walk by the shipyards and the harbor before it got dark. i smelled the salt and the bay rum.

[march 20, 2002]

It might surprise you, but tonight I'm smelling the salt and the bay rum, too.
Can this be possible whilst listening to Fun Lovin' Criminals?
Is it 'allowed'?
...
"Ich kann's Ihnen leider nich' sagen ..."

Always yours,
CEDRIC.
 

Subject: By the way:
Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 02:35:46 +0100
From: Schwagmeier <cornfield@xxxxx.de>
To: ph@entropic-empire.com

Bought the new Patti Smith-Boxed-Set, today!

[march 21, 2002]

when i came to work thomas stood in the doorway of blaine's office and when saw me coming down the floor he said: 'the DFG has canceled out research project.' now maybe i should explain this: fundings for my job will expire in august and actually thomas had planned to get money for a research project on hypermedia that i should be working on then. and it would have secured my job for the next two years. the project would have been financed be the german research foundation. but they put us down! so this was really a blow because it means that quite practically i will lose my job in august.

now i wasn't really surprised because i was aware that there was a chance that they might decide against financing the project, but still i somehow felt freaked out. losing my fiancé, my home and my job within four months is really something i am not prepared for.

'fear is what i feel at the slow unraveling of me' the indigo girls are singing and I'm heading of now, I'll write more when i'm at the office.

later

eve wrote a couple of worried mails when she heard about the research project being rejected. i wrote back to her tonight and started a mail to paula on the train:

paula -

i'm on the train, it's almost 7 and the sun is setting in the west in a big, red ball, coloring the clouds and the landscape that i'm passing through. it makes me think about you and i wonder whether you are okay. i wish i were with you. i wish i were with anybody. i could cry. the landscapes are surreal, emotional, under water and without sound. the live version of 'harbor song' comes on and the light outside is fading line by line, chord by chord, breath by breath that suzanne takes. i'm missing her as well. from all the projections and virtual persons in my life (including xxxx) she might be the biggest fiction. paula, i got an email from xxxx today and it only had one sentence: 'please call the university: mrs. mahkert (106-6253).' apparently it was just someone who had tried to reach me via my old number and xxxx wanted to let me know that i have to call back. and still it cracked me up. and although there's hardly any room for 'personal' interpretation in that short, matter of fact mail, it cracked me up. because i saw the time she sent it and it said: 00:05 and i thought about why she was up so late when she's supposed to work the other day and with whom she is staying so late at night and where is it that she just might have come from. it's so sick!

the colors in the sky are sublime. i wish *i* could create anything *this* beautiful in fading. i feel like i'm turning gray. like leaking. like losing my outlines. like melting into a warm pool of water. i'm so tired. tired of holding all the loose ends together. tired of keeping track. of untangling the strings. i want to curl up into a small blue thing and do whatever small, blue things do: just lie there, very quiet, very peaceful, very self-contained. but i'm not: i'm leaking all over. my skin is more of a net than anything else, unable to be a protection, unable to provide a structure...

[march 22, 2002]

i met thomas for the first time when i was studying at bielefeld university. he was coming from aachen and he gave literature courses that sounded quite interesting. so i went to this course 'introduction to poststructuralism' and i remember the very first session when he gave us a two hour overview on the most important post|structuralist ideas and theories: from saussure to lacan and lyotard and derrida and barthes and foucault and baudrillard and deleuze and guattari. it was so intense and interesting and challenged all that i had thought about language, signs, texts and the world so much, that my legs were literally shaking when i left to room. i was so excited! one day i went to his office hours because i had questions concerning a term paper that i wanted to write and he asked me whether the course was too confusing and if one could actually follow his train of thoughts at all. and i don't know for which reason - because usually i'm not someone who's sort of 'confessing' something like this - but i told him that all this was so exciting to me that my legs were shaking in that first session. i still believe that this was the reason why he asked me a couple of weeks later to work for him. he was doing an introductory course and he needed two students who would help him prepare things and do tutorials. when he asked me i felt very unsure at first - i couldn't imagine myself standing in front to people explaining something that i hardly understood myself. but this was also the time when i and xxxx got together and she encouraged me to do it and so i said yes.

i did not know the other student that thomas had chosen. but when i mentioned his name to xxxx she said: 'well, i know him! he's a friend of tara' [who was|is one of xxxx's best friends]. and that's how i got to know cedric and tara. cedric and i became friends and we worked for thomas for a year, doing tutorials and other stuff and the three of us got along together very well. but then in 1998 thomas changed the university because he got a better job in hannover. still cedric and i had contact with him because we were still working on some projects together. and then in january 2000, shortly before i was doing my ma exam thomas called one day. and he said that he would become chair holder for american studies at cologne university and he asked me whether i would want to work for him there after i had finished my exams. i was so amazed - because i really hadn't expected an offer like that- that i did not know what to say. i had not thought a lot about what i would do after my exams. i somehow felt like doing my dissertation but i wasn't sure and whenever xxxx and i were talking about that i changed the subject and repressed the worries and the fear.

so i wasn't sure whether i should take his offer because it meant moving to cologne and we had just moved and renovated our new flat but xxxx said that i HAD to accept, that i would hate myself if i did not. and of course she was right. i mean it's ridiculous that i hesitated a single second because it was a once in a lifetime offer that other people would have killed me for! so since april 2000 i'm working for thomas in cologne. i kept living in bielefeld, just had a small room in cologne where i stayed two nights a week. there's nothing much to say about the job except that it's the best, the most interesting, the most challenging job you could think of. it's great. i know that i'm still not happy, and this is something that really troubles me because thomas has done more for me than i could ever make up for and i always feel like disappointing him because my carreer ambitions aren't that clearly developed and i do too many things that distract me [the band, the homepage, etc] so i will never be a literary critic who is as brilliant as he is. but then he's super human. i don't think i know anyone who is working as much as he does. i don't think that he is sleeping. ever. i think he just keeps on working 24 hours a day. it's really, really scary because besides working all the time he also has a wife and two daughters and he is always the first to know about the newest movies, musical trends and mtv videos.

so this is the story how i met thomas and why i'm working for him. we were talking on the phone today and suddenly we were talking about eve and he asked whether i was going to meet her today and i thought for a moment and then told him that we actually don't really know each other yet except through mails - which sort of amused him very much, not as much as i had expected, though. he made a couple of funny remarks and finally said that i and eve could move onto the same HOMEpage then and that we could sort of have a public relationship or something and i don't think that he realized how close to the truth he was this very moment. because of course he does not know anything about this online journal! :o) so much for THOMAS DAY!

[march 23, 2002]

this noon i went for another walk since the sun was shining and it looked like spring outside. it didn't feel like it, though, because it was pretty cold. still i took the md player and when i crossed the park to walk up to the woods i listened to 'it makes me wonder' and while i was walking past the pond with both my hands buried deep within the pockets of my jeans the sun appeared from behind a cloud and warmed my face and suddenly the music became so intense that my hands could feel the goose-flesh crawling up my thighs through the lining of the pockets. music that matters.

eve wrote. she asked me whether i wanted to come to her place next tuesday. actually i had thought that our first meeting would be at some 'neutral' place, such as a bar or a pub. the obvious choice would have been a restaurant downtown that's called 'all about eve'. however we decided on meeting at her house to cook something together. we haven't worked out a menu yet but we both have insited on desert - and we have not meant it as suggestive as it sounds here! well, at least i haven't...

when i wrote [<= yeah! don't *you* wish!!] read the last pages of 'less than zero' by bret easton ellis [a novel we'll discuss in our course next semester which already starts in three weeks! shudder! we have over 50 registrations so far!] i must have closed my eyes and fallen asleep instantly. woke up an hour later after uneasy dreams and now my head feels like filled with lead. and if he isn't, i certainly am.

later

paula, i hope you are okay. it's such a pity that you're in iowa. i'd really like to get drunk with you tonight and sing along to some suzyv songs or just keep on rambling about our fucked up lives. and when we're really pissed we could go outside and throw snowballs at each other. if there were snow. if we had some beers. if we were together.

[march 24, 2002]

later

The day with its cares and perplexities is ended and the night is now upon us. The night should be a time of peace and tranquility, a time to relax and be calm. We have need of a soothing story to banish the disturbing thoughts of the day, to set at rest our troubled minds, and put at ease our ruffled spirits.

And what sort of story shall we hear? Ah, it will be a familiar story, a story that is so very, very old, and yet it is so new. It is the old, old story of love.

Two lovers sat on a park bench, with their bodies touching each other, holding hands in the moonlight.

There was silence between them. So profound was their love for each other, they needed no words to express it. And so they sat in silence, on a park bench, with their bodies touching, holding hands in the moonlight.

Finally she spoke. "Do you love me, John?" she asked. "You know I love you, darling," he replied. "I love you more than tongue can tell. You are the light of my life, my sun, moon and stars. You are my everything. Without you I have no reason for being."

Again there was silence as the two lovers sat on a park bench, their bodies touching, holding hands in the moonlight. Once more she spoke. "How much do you love me, John?" she asked. He answered: "How much do I love you? Count the stars in the sky. Measure the waters of the oceans with a teaspoon. Number the grains of sand on the sea shore. Impossible, you say?"

"Yes and it is just as impossible for me to say how much I love you."

"My love for you is higher than the heavens, deeper than Hades, and broader than the earth. It has no limits, no bounds. Everything must have an ending except my love for you."

There was more of silence as the two lovers sat on a park bench with their bodies touching, holding hands in the moonlight.

Once more her voice was heard. "Kiss me, John," she implored. And leaning over, he pressed his lips warmly to hers in fervent osculation.

[Samuel M. Johnson: 'Lovers on a Park Bench']

[march 26, 2002]

when i got back from herford i went shopping and then i wanted to return that drama script that nadine is working on back to her because she needed it today. so i went walking to her house and then i though: i might as well go for a small round in the park. and when i was in the park i thought: i might as well walk up the hill. and when i was up on the hill i thought: i might as well walk through the woods. and so i ended up doing the usual round again and while i was walking i kept wondering whether all this wandering around is the attempt to walk AWAY from or TOWARDS something. i really don't know. here's the rough confusing and distressing order of emotions that i had|ve when i think about the blue box and the heartshaped boy box and the chime inside of it: hurt (sharp and short), anger (a couple of seconds), hurt (a couple of seconds), humiliation mixed with anger which turns to humiliation mixed with hurt, disappointment (a minute or so), solitude, solitude, solitude (for very long), anger with myself because i keep thinking and thinking and thinking, discouragement, the wish to be able to be happy when she is, bitterness (some seconds), happiness that i'm finally rid of a person who did all this to me (very short), pain that i've finally lost the person who did all this to me, the wish to erase the last five years, and eventually the idea to buy a bottle of champagne.

tonight i will go over to eve's place and we will finally get to know each other - unless something unexpected happens, like that i *really* have just invented her ;o). i'm wearing paula's yellow|orange yankton t-shirt: firstly because it matches the blue sweater very well and second because it might bring me luck. we'll see. sunday night eve sent over a photo of herself. in the picture i have of you you're standing all alone, on your own in a gray room, with gray walls, and the frameless mirror is like a window, standing on the floor and leaning against the wall unevenly. your figure reflected and the reflection caught in the camera you're holding in your hand, arm pressed against your body to keep it from trembling that short moment when you take a picture of an image of you: already framed, already mirror reverse, already leaning against the wall unevenly. giving away nothing about your eyes, nothing about your lips, nothing about your neck, nothing about you. except for a blurred reflection and since i can't really recognize anything on it i can see everything: how you think about which clothes would make a nice contrast on the black&white film, the way you brush that strand of hair behind your ear, the way you hold your breath, the way you straighten your shoulders and try to look earnest but friendly. cedric & tara were quite impressed by the photo as well. tomorrow i'll be off to cologne again, meeting thomas and blaine. right now cheralee dillon is singing: 'give me more line. give me more line. i've got to find heaven. i've got to find...'

[march 28, 2002]

today is another hollow earth day: i will start editing the articles, meaning that i will do the unifying line make-up etc. so we can send the articles that bernd has translated to the respective authors for authorization.

later

[march 29, 2002]

i've spent all morning wiping the floor and picking up the apartment, windows wide open and joni mitchell's 'coming from the cold' on repeat. today was the very first day of spring it seemed. it was warmer than inside and the air was filled with all these things the air is filled with when it is spring. so it was the perfect day to lock yourself in a rehearsal room for four hours and record a couple of songs. which we did. it went pretty well, i think. tomorrow i will add the vocals and then the new demo will be ready. i think the sound is very different from the old nerve bible style.

it's 23:47 now and i'm tired. still i wish eve and i had not talked on the phone but in person and i catch myself wondering what it would be like if she were here right now. maybe BECAUSE i am tired. i think she is somebody that i can be tired with.

[march 30, 2002]

went for a long walk in the evening. it was quite nice today again, although not as sunny as yesterday - but the smell was the same. the smell of spring. i'm not sure whether i like it. am i ready for spring yet? i think i did a bad mistake when i went to meet eve. because i was really, really careful not to see her as a second xxxx but as a first eve, i did not want to compare them. and still i think i had hoped to find that feeling of familiarity, of closeness, of intimacy, of all that had been grown in five years of relationship with xxxx, to find these same feelings with eve. which i of course did not. it's stupid to think that i could find this anywhere again. even if xxxx would stand in front of the door now the feelings would have been lost forever and something new would have to start. 'and what i've lost | won't come back.' the same with eve. i can't just continue where the relationship with xxxx broke down. i have to start from the beginning again. maybe that was what i was so afraid of: to start something new, to build it up from the scratch, the have faith and patience until the feeling of intimacy and closeness will move into my heart again. does this make sense?

so on an abstract level i DID expect eve to be like xxxx. well, i hope it has been the first and the last time. we will meet on monday, and i'm very much looking forward to that.

[march 31, 2002 - easter sunday]

while walking i listened to an old md and on it was a song from the cd blaine compiled for me to prove that he IS interested in singer/songwriters and not just in funky dance music. it was a song by dunkan sheik and in one of my last attempts to save the relationship with xxxx back in november i tried to write down what i think has gone wrong and how i think that she must be feeling about me and i used that song to do it, because i thought that this was the way she was feeling: being barely able to breathe and having the wish to break out. but hwne when i was listening to it for the first time in months today i realized with amazement that it is NOT her voice, that this is not HER point of view, BUT MY VERY OWN!! THAT IT IS ABOUT ME; THAT IT IS WHAT *I* AM FEELING!! and i almost started to sing along to it aloud...

I know what you’re doing, I see it all to clear | I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears | You really had me going, wishing on a star | But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far | I believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn | Well it must have been that yesterday was the day that I was born | There’s not much to examine, there’s nothing left to hide | You really can’t be serious if you have to ask me why | I say good-bye... | ‘Cause I am barely breathing | And I can’t find the air | I don’t know who I’m kidding | Imagining you care | And I could stand here waiting | A fool for another day | But I don’t suppose it’s worth the price, worth the price | The price that I would pay | Everyone keeps asking, what’s it all about? | I used to be so certain and I can’t figure out | What is this attraction? I only feel the pain | There’s nothing left to reason and only you to blame | Will it ever change? | I’ve come to find | I may never know | Your changing mind | Is it friend or foe? | I rise above | Or sink below | With every time | You come and go | Please don’t come and go | ‘Cause I am barely breathing | And I can’t find the air | I don’t know who I’m kidding | Imagining you care | And I could stand here waiting | A fool for another day | But I don’t suppose it’s worth the price, worth the price | The price that I would pay | But I’m thinking it over anyway...

in the meantime it's gotten dark and the air outside is thick with the smell of the easter fires that have been burned all over town today. the air inside however is filled with the deep, deep voice of leonard mumbling 'boogie street'. for the 23rd time tonight. so tomorrow eve and i will meet. what will happen? will we still like each other? will we discuss quantum theory? will she stay the whole evening? there's a cliffhanger for you! so make sure to check back in april! and for god's sake!: fill out that questionnaire!! see ya!