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[march 01, 2005 - if your love were taken from me / every color would be black and white / it would be as flat as the world before columbus / that's the day that i lose half my sight]
good evening. i can't believe it's already march. sigh. big sigh. mega big sigh! it's still bloody cold outside. thank god i've got the big, cozy blanket that x. gave me as a present :o) finished reading the introduction and first chapter of bodies that matter. had a discussion with blane about butler today. did a lot of out-of-the-window-looking and played too much spider solitaire. yes, i've heard that there's a thing called "protestant work ethics". i'm not practicing it, though! and then i thought that i had a moment of clear-sightedness and wrote down what i *think* are a couple of points that i might use for the theoretical part.
beauvoir differentiates between gender and sex ("one is not born a woman, one becomes one"), which allows her to liberate the concept of "woman" from essentialism and determinism. gender is not a naturally given but socially constructed and therefore subject to change. the gender law becomes a gender norm.

however, this leaves sex as a "natural" category which can be "taken as an epistemological point of departure, a sine qua non of some political argumentation" (35) which is bad for feminism.

because everything essential, natural and originary can be used as a biologistic argument.

thus butler tries to deconstruct "the material irreducibility of sex" (28).

for her, the materiality of sex is constructed by power: sex is "a process whereby regulatory norms materialize 'sex' and achieve this materialization through a forcible reiteration of those norms" (2). therefore "the matter of bodies will be indissociable from the regulatory norms that govern their materialization and the signification of those material effects" (2).

she concludes that sex only has a "naturalized effect" (10) by reiteration, it only pretends to be 'given' when it is actually discursively constructed.

when she discusses those regulatory norms she returns to foucault and his concept of power: "'Materiality' designates a certain effect of power or, rather, is power in its formative or constituting effects. Insofar as power operates successfully by constituting an object domain, a field of intelligibility, as taken-for-granted ontology, its material effects are taken as material data or primary givens." (34-35)

for butler, regulatory powers that form materiality are always social powers which are acting according to the laws of representation and discourse. the most important of those powers is the heteronormative matrix: the matter of bodies are "a kind of materialization governed by regulatory norms in order to ascertain the workings of heterosexual hegemony in the formation of what qualifies as a viable body" (16).

Furthermore she points out the paradox of talking about matter: "to 'refer' naively or directly to such an extra-discursive object will always require the prior delimination of the extra-discursive. And insofar as the extra-discursive is delimited, it is formed by the very discourse from which it seeks to free itself" (11). this means that for her a discourse on the non-discursive is not possible: "To posit by way of language a materiality outside of language is still to posit that materiality, and the materiality so posited will retain that positing as its constitutive condition" (30). i cannot talk about matter without simultaneously constituting it: "To have a concept of matter is to lose the exteriority that the concept is supposed to secure. Can language simply refer to materiality, or is language also the very condition under which materiality may be said to appear?" (31)

which might be summarized in wittgenstein's aphorism "The limits of my language mean the limits of my world" (Wittgenstein, 56).

said in two sentences: 1) the 'natural' category of sex is an argument for biological determinism, that's why butler deconstructs it. 2) she replaces the natural status of materiality with the concept that matter is constituted by regulatory forces, that is, social (heteronormative) powers.

however, maybe there is another solution which differs in two important aspects, namely in the concept of 'nature' and in that of 'power'.

instead of reacting to the reactionary idea of nature as an essential, originary, stable, eternal, prescriptive, stupid, teleological, absolute, passive and irreducible given or condition by excluding it from discourse, deleuze tries to think nature as non-essential, dynamic, temporal, singular, intelligent, fragmented, infinitely fast and constantly becoming. in short: nature is no longer natural but machinic.

both regard materiality as non-essential, as constructed rather than being irreducibly given. however, the powers of construction differ:

for butler, these powers are always already social and discursive, acting upon matter according to the logic of representation (primary example: the heterosexual matrix which enforces and secures patriarchal power).

for deleuze, these powers are physical and pre-discursive, acting within matter according to the logic of production (primary example: autopoietic processes which allow for the actualization of virtual forms from within matter itself).

when butler talks of constructive powers she means social powers. deleuze mean physical powers.

butler avoids the traps of essential biologism by negating nature and making it 'impossible'. deleuze by thinking nature as machinic.

you're very welcome to comment on this if you like! yesterday night i bought myself a big bowl of ice cream: one liter, chocolate-nuts flavor with chocolate syrup. ate the entire thing in under one hour. and i wasn't even sick afterwards.

after i had played a couple of songs for x. sunday night and she had tried to convince me that she really liked it and not only said that she really liked because she had to say that she really liked it she also said (at least that's what i remember her having said) what i had thought: that i might do this sort of publicly. i mean i think i would really go for the idea: have a small club and play a one hour set of lurkers song with some additional cover songs. there should be some run-down bar or club that does not really mind the quality of its free entertainment program. and i like playing guitar and singing. i mean i also like writing the diss, even though i'm only ending up with such a kind of hallucinatory crap as the above paragraph. but i also realized again how playing on my own is different from playing with a band. it would be great to have a second guitarist or a bass player! listen to me! i'm already dreaming of a new band when my priorities should really be somewhere else!

[march 04, 2005 - i wish i was a nomad, an indian or a saint...]
perfect title for the cohen study: nomad (deleuze), indian (BL:catherine tekakwitha) or a saint (one of the most prominent figures in cohen's text). nomads, indians, saints is the title of the indigo girls cd from 1990 that arrived today. bought it on ebay. also got the cohen book today :o)))))))))) it's beautiful: a hard cover bilingual first edition of death of a lady's man with a nice cover that has the new skin for the old ceremony illustration engraved on the front. i also have a new mobile phone. well, it's not really new, it's the old phone of princess superstar who has a brand new one. and i got her old one. which is still much much better than my old one which is over five years old. "du weisst aber schon, dass das ein mädchen-handy ist" x. said the other day to me, pointing put that the princess' old mobile is a girl-mobile. well. it's doesn't certainly not look straightforward functionally, but it's not really 'feminine' i would say. anyway, i've *always* been in touch with my feminine side!

which brings me to butler and to the sad fact that i didn't produce anything sensible except for my income tax return application. i don't know, but the past couple of days i feel as if my brain had been removed from my head and is anywhere else but attached to my body. i can't think, i cannot concentrate and i keep daydreaming even though i've slept long enough. also my long walks and my semi-professional work out doesn't really help to come up with any brilliant ideas. in addition i read thomas' article "matter that bodies" which is simply awesome, and this doesn't really help. i talked to bernd the other day and he said: yes, it's like wherever you go, thomas has always already been there...!" it's hard to write anything about butler and deleuze when thomas has already said anything there is to say so clearly and eloquently. however, he mailed the other day and told me that he thinks that the text which i've posted in my last entry is okay (i've sent it to him in a mail).

what else? have to pay over 100 euros to the gema. those %$§**%& bastards. it's my annual fee, but it's crazy. they're paying dieter bohlen and tony marshal with MY money so i decided to leave to organization. my membership doesn't have any advantages for me right now anyway.

met nina today who is in her final exam phase, she's currently writing the essays. she was worn out and tired. on monday she'll have to write the linguistic essay, so keep your fingers crossed.

[march 07, 2005 - So if I see you and I tell you / How I watched you, I'm just lost / So if I see you and I tell you / I've watched you / Don't make fun of me later / Cos I'm just lost // If I see you and I tell you / How I watched you / Don't make fun of me later / Cos I'm just lost ... ]
i'm frustrated and down. i'm so desperately trying to avoid working on the text that i even wish that a plane would crash into the building. phew. spent the week-end doing things that i cannot really tell you anything about because it's a secret for the party for achim and princess superstar in april. thomas wanted to skype today. it's four thirty and i think he will call soon. i've been wearing the contacts today all day long. haven't done so in a long time. weird feeling and slightly tiresome for the eyes. i've slept enough. slept a lot during the week-end. i'm still tired, though. wish i would get anywhere with the fucking text. i can't really do this. being at the university is not the right job for me. there's no point complaining, though.

today a student knocked at the office door: she was looking for thomas' lines of desire, a book he wrote and which we do not have in the library. apparently he had given it to her recently for research and she had copied a couple of pages from it. but now she needed more and asked whether she could have the book again. i got the key to thomas' office and said: "i'll check if i find it..." and went into his office to look for the book and before i even noticed it she had followed me and was standing next to me at thomas's book-shelf and was looking through his stuff, which i already found kind of weird. when we couldn't find it [thomas hasn't really any recognizable system to store his books] i said: "sorry, it seems like it's not here..." and the student answered, still looking through thomas' books curiously: "that's all right. but thanks a lot for your efforts. i think i will search  little more on my own..." and went on to scan the shelf. i was speechless. somehow i could relate to her that she could NOT stay in thomas' office on her own looking through his private collection of books with all his mail and official letters displayed on his desk.

[march 9, 2005 - today i am / a small blue thing / like a marble or an eye...]
:o( --------------------
[march 12, 2005 - i came out of the darkness / holding one thing / a small white wooden horse / i've been holding inside]
did i already say that suzanne's voice is the most stable and most familiar thing in my life?
[march 15, 2005 - ]
state of the art textual production:
cutting and pasting judith butler
cutting and pasting judith butler.
[march 17, 2005 - here comes the sun / here comes the sun...]

well, i didn't really report a lot in the past couple of days because things in my private life have been sort of difficult. anyway, things are more clear today since x. has called it off. which is fair enough. "good things never end" as the saying goes [wonder wherei've picked up that line?!?] and if it hasn't been good for her recently than it's more reasonable that way. however, what i really love about my life is its incredible sense of dramatic timing because, as you might remember, today has not only been my last day with x. but it is also somebody's birthday.

worked more on the theory chapter, but it's only growing slowly. i'm only on page 7.

more bad news: today my bike broke down.

later: this really sucks, it's ridiculous not to write when so many thing are storming through my mind. but of course the danger is to get caught in the journal trap: how can i write honestly with people who know me reading this. i don't want to turn this into a letter. and i don't want oh shit who fucking cares. bad day bad day bad day. my head hurts and i'm even afraid to go to sleep because i know that the dreams will come in which we're still together and the morning which will puke me into reality will be bad as well. i just wish the pain would stop. how can somethign that is NOT there can hurt so much. the thought of not being with her naymore, of not holding her or touching her or smelling her or falling asleep next to her makes me mad. i was prepared to spend the rest of my miserable life with her. but this is no place for these thoughts but then where is? i don't know. i don't know anything. this sucks, all this sucks. breathing and thinking and feeling and being. i had been really, reallyin love with that woman. and i wish the past tense of the previous sentence would correspond to the reality of my heart. nights with dreams of the past. and days with constantly checking the mail and listening to the phone. and the faint hope to hear her steps in the hallway and the turning of the key in the door. i thought i would be prepared for this after having gone through the desaster with somebody, but now it's totally different and totally new and every pain has a sharp, originary and cold hurt. and i cannot ven hate her. i could hate somebody, that made it easier. i don't know. i shouldn't be writing this and i souldn't be psoting this and you shouldn't be reading this. i can't really realize the whole scope of things. i had truley thought that this was the real thing. and i still do, that's the bizarre part. but i don't want to have any hope and i don't want to think of her and i don't want to have this fucking hurting love. wow, getting really dramatic, aren't we, buster? fuck. is EVERY of my relationships going to simply wear out like this? fading away and just woosh, vanish?? and why always on their part?! if i would only feel it as well! if i would only feel the same, feel nothing. instead i'm clinging to past smells, past images, past sensory impressions of her body and her hair and her voice and it's so ridiculous, listen to me, i'm sick! fuck fuck fuck! i thought i had grown up. think again! and besides all this the feeling of letting her alone when she is in need of help or of a friend. but how can i be a friend when i love her?? uouo6vfo8 08e 79i5djhzfldu7fgt0rc7uflzjb  don't know. i'm not prepared for this. i've been listening to suzanne all day long. all day long. all day long. is it too much to ask to be loved unconditionally for more than six months? it it too much to ask to have this one stable line of happiness and beauty and comfort in oneÄ's life. fuck. fuck. i shouldn't write this, i shouldn't write at all. i should get drunk. but then i got drink on saturday and then puked the enire night. tgis isnt fair. just when i had started to be as happy as never before in my life. i'm tired, and my eyes ache and my back aches. my head hurts and suzanne is singing: "i want to live as an honest man, to get all i deserve and to give all i can. and to love a young woman who i don't understand. your highness your ways are very strange!" i've left her standing there in her own tears and misery and simply walked out. i'm such an idiot. fuck fuck fuck.  and you should not be reading this. i don't want you to read this. i just want your voice inside my head to be quiet and the images of you in my mind to go away. i dread the day when i realize what i have lost today. i thought i could comment on this with a dry joke and a sarcastic comment and then go on. but it doesn't work. i don't work that way. i'm missing her too much. i did it all wrong. i screwed it again!


[march 18, 2005]
wow, tyesterday's entry is VERY grown-up! my god! i wish i had a little more dignity and sense of what's appropriate and what's not. i'm tired. the sun is shining again and believe me- you can turn from anticipating summer to hating summer in half a day! i'm tired, didn't have a lot of sleep and my head hurts. feels like i had been drinking last nihgt, but i did not. i don't know what to say. the bad thing is that - after the separation four years ago - i know what will come now and right now i don't feel like having the strength to put up with it. i just want to be safe and warm and without my head doing the movie-memory thing all the time. but how when i've lost the place where i could find all this. tried to work but cannot concentrate. just realized that her photo is still on my desk so i put that away. received this ecard from nadine yesterday afternoon. as i said: my life has a brilliant sense of timing.

the idea of getting home into my empty apartment  scares the shit out of me.

later: it's 18:47 and i've called x. which was probably not a good idea but blane adivsed me not to call her and princess superstar told me to call her and my whole body told me to call her and so i did. jfbkbaer orh098tö nvöoqe0349 fnv9834 h30984 30f 403o4f 904qfjö    w

[march 19, 2005 - and i danced beside her, feeling no shame, we were in costume and this was a game]
saturday. went shopping and cleaned the apartment. blane called. tonight princess superstar and her prince have invited me over for dinner. i still have to break the news to thomas. it's rainy outside but mild. this morning i brought my bike to a mechanic. i should be able to cycle around town again on monday. which is good, because i prefer going to work by bike in the summer than being stuck on the train. especially now the little extra work-out could be good. it's 14:38 right now and the music is suzanne's "as girls go" which is actually a song about gender bending.

later: it's 00:09 and i've just returned from the princess. her prince had cooked a great dinner! he's almost as good a cook as cedric. we had bulgarian red wine to go with the food and afterwards we watched seinfeld. it was a good evening. in fact it had been the first time in three days that i had eaten anything. "something will shine through the body if you give it a chance" suzanne is singing and i've got this line on repeat in my head. more mails to and from paula. talked to nadine on the phone today. told her that i wasn't sure how to spend the easter holidays, if i should go to bielefeld and visit my parents (i'm not really in the mood for this, actually, right now) and she said: "why don't you make something totally different. why don't you just get away for a couple of days, do something completely new? i've got a flyer here for a yoga weekend on the easter holidays..." so maybe, maybe i'm going on a yoga-weekend with nadine from good friday to easter monday... well, probably not. but i considered it for a moment. got a note today that i will get a small tax refund. hooray! it's not much, but it's enough that all the paperwork was worth it.

i'm going to bed now. it's 00:16, it's dry and mild and quiet outside. suzanne is still singing 'priscilla' and i still haven't made up my mind whether i should go with princess superstar and her friend on a trecking tour tomorrow. take care, wherever you are tonight...

[march 20 - i think of her now that i'm older, and still love to dance / something will shine through the body, if you give it a chance]
sunday morning, 09:09. it's sunny outside although the rays haven't yet made it into my apartment. it will still take half an hour for the rays to break through the window. still not sure about joining the trecking tour, but i think i will rather stay home, go out a little in the park and then try to work. i need to work. thomas will be back soon, and i only have got finished a fraction of what i was supposed to do. i also still have to prepare the seminar for next semester.

later: decided to go trecking. we drove to belgium into a national park near the border that is a moor in most parts, so the paths were all moist and muddy and my shoes are entirely covered in some dark mud now. but it was fun. we walked around for over four hours and i'm pretty tired now.
some of the way was a board walk that led over the moor and the entire landscape was kind of surreal. luckily the sun was out and it was pretty warm. on the way back we stopped at the building where the princess is doing her teacher-tutorium and we walked around the building, spied into the windows and left again. i'm home now, with cold fingers and suzanne singing.

[march 21, 2005 - no music yet]
morning sun painting bright, colored circles on my desk. i'm leaving for the office now. got a request for a 200 lurkers cd.
the request for the cd came from kansas! cool! he or she wrote "i love your music!" cooler!

princess superstar visited me at the office today. she brough four dvds with seinfeld seasons :o) that's what i call a fun way to improve my english! my bike is repaired. i had to pay almost 40 euros, but now i am independent and free again and can cut the time i need to get to the university in half. sunny day today. wrote half a page for the theory part of the diss. still listening to "priscilla" on repeat.

it's one at night, just talked to nadine (bielefeld) for over two hours on the phone. still haven't decided whether i'm going to spent the easter holidays in bielefeld at my parents' place. maybe i will. it would be nice to see nadine in person again. still "priscilla" on repeat. the window is open and the cool air is coming in slowly. my bed is amde and i've pulled out an extra blanket to keep me warm tonight.
[march 22, 2005 - sunrise, sunrise, oooo oh oooo oh]
thought that it might be a good idea to take a break from updaing the journal and instead concentrate on my work and perhaps write one or two new songs. so for the next couple of weeks there won't be any new entries. anyway, thanks for reading and caring! see you!