[april 10, 2005 - Now I’m workin’ up a sweat! I’m ready now-- I’m ready now--]

[march 20, 2005 - and i said: okay, who is this really? and the voice said: this is the hand, the hand that takes...]

[march 25, 2005 - sunrise sunrise]

had two ideas for new songs, but instead of taking the guitar and composing i'm watching seinfeld episodes. they're the beast means to get distracted from reality completely. i'm also glad that the people at work are friends and that i feel comfortable and almost at home in the office. today we decorated the white board: we put gray felt onto it. it looks great! and we're the only department that has it :o) listened to "sunrise" on repeat the entire day. still can't make out the lyrics, though :o)

haven't really eaten anything the past couple of days. i'm not having anything the whole day and at night i only eat a soup. at first i wasn't hungry because the break up left me all nervous and with a constant feeling of sickness. and now i don't have the sensation of hunger anymore at all. it's great. eating is overrated anyways. i just keep drinking liters of water and tea the whole day and i think i already have lost some weight. i will just hunger myself out of this world: i will just get thinner and thinner and fade out and eventually vanish. just like the love people have felt for me.

and now the night will throw its cover down on me again...

[march 25, 2005 - and i said oo ohh ooh oh]

met with princess superstar in a cafe by the river, which was very nice. i was sitting opposite the big windows and could see the ships going by and the big bridge that runs across the rhine. suddenly the princess said: "let's swap places, i want to enjoy the view as well", so i sat on her place and when she was sitting again as well i could see that at the table behind her was a young, blonde woman sitting. and the princess smiled and avoided my looks and i said: "jesus, you're so predictable".

i'm going to spend two days in bielefeld. i'll go there saturday noon and return monday in the afternoon. i will probably spend sunday with nadine, which should be fun.

got the okay for olomouc 2005 today! my proposal for a talk got accepted :o)

[march 26, 27, 28, 2005 - your heart like a dam when it breaks]

outside fields and cities are passing by - i wonder where those moments have gone that i had been so certain about just a couple of weeks ago when i was walking from work back home and i was listening to the indigo girls singing "fill it up again" and the music filled me to the brim and for s short moment i felt like i could master everything, that my life would turn out to be just okay as long as the music can make me feel this way. it was like having a shield or a source of energy, a hidden sun in my heart that would never stop giving me warmth and life. i wonder where all this is now.

it's childish, but there's this little kid inside of me that is stamping its foot crying: "i don't want that it's over!" the other day when i caught myself saying her name without reason and without answer to myself and to the empty room i thought about the lyrics to stina nordenstam's "soon after christmas"

I've called you now a thousand times
I think I know now
You're not home
I've said your name a thousand times
To be prepared if you'd be there

I wanted so to have you
And I wanted you to know
I wanted to write songs
About how we're walking in the snow

You've got me slightly disappointed
Just a bit and just enough
To keep me up another night
Waiting for another
 
 

                                      day

The city's taking a day off
The streets are empty
No one's out tonight
My life is in another's hands

I wanted so to have you
And I wanted you to know
I wanted to write songs
About how we're walking in the snow

But there's no snow this winter
there's no words for what I feel for you
It's not enough
Though it's too much
Why must it always be like that?

The TV screen is lighting up my room
The film has ended
Every inch of my skin is crying for your hands

You've got me slightly disappointed
Just a bit and just enough
To keep me up another night
Waiting for another
 
 

                                      day.

the other day i caught myself how i was talking to myself in my room. i was carrying a steaming cup of tea from the kitchen to my desk and while i did this i was talking out aloud as if someone was with me in the room.

[later]

[easter monday] great! woke up at 3.20 in the night and had a fit of panic. i felt that something had happened and my heart was pacing like mad. felt like she just had been with another guy. couldn't get back to sleep then and when i did, i dreamt that she had written me a letter and told me that she would come back. did you ever fall in love again with a guy whom you had a relationship with before?

[later]

[march 29, 2005 - ]

when i was helping the princess to instal a couple of programs this afternoon she suddenly got an sms: it was from x. and she asked her whether she would like to come over for dinner tomorrow. it made me feel sick: what does this mean? is it a good sign? is it a bad sign? is it not a sign at all?  after all the princess and x. know each other much longer than x. and i do. as a matter of fact, the princess sort of fixed us up. but it got me thinking all day long and i'm nervous and i can't concentrate. will they be talking about me? will x. tell her that she's feeling better now, that she might even feel enough for me to give it a second chance? will she tell her that she misses me? or will she tell her that she has another boyfriend now? and how will i react when i meet princess superstar then? will i ask her anything? do i really want to hear what she could tell me about x? only good things. but what if she cannot tell me good things? what if she says: "i cannot tell you good things" - and even imagining that gives me the shivers, gives me this sharp, cold pain, as if something inside my chest had broken and acid was running down my lungs.

i cannot even write any songs. i tried to put this feeling to any use, but it didn't work. yet? i don't know.

got another set of answers to the feedback form.

[march 31, 2005]

various kinds of thoughts today:

well, princess superstar and x. met yesterday night. and yes: i must admit that i had hoped all night to get a call from either of them. from the princess to tell me: "call her, she's missing you!" and from x. to tell me: "the princess said you're missing me. i miss you too!" but... nothing happened. no call no sms no email. yesterday morning the panic packed me again and i thought: what if x. wants to meet the princess because she has to tell me something and does not know why. like that she has a new boyfriend. (you see, i'm totally paranoic, thinking the entire world would revolve around me exclusively. probably x. wants to meet the princess simply because they are old friends...). i remembered last sunday morning when i woke up because i sort of knew that x. was together (in every sense of the word) with someone new. i don't understand why i can't let go of things. i seem to grab people and hold on to them so much that they feel the urge to struggle for freedom. and even if they kick and bite, i cannot let go of them. there have always been these two cohen songs that i associated with her right from the start: "that's no way to say good-bye and "sisters of mercy". i don't know why, but maybe i had some kind of foreboding... i only wish i could be as light hearted about the situation as lenny was: "we weren't lovers like that and besides it would still be alright..."

there are moments when it feels that from now on everything new will only be second choice.

[later]

[april 1, 2005 - i would go round round round the bend and fill it up again!]

met with princess superstar yesterday evening and we went on a little pub tour through the "südstadt" where she's living now. even though i didn't really had a lot to drink i got pretty drunk because i haven't eaten anything solid for almost two weeks. i just have a soup at night and that's it. so i felt the alcohol at once and when i was driving home i was pretty pissed, i think. i scribbled down a note to paula in the subway, but i'm not able to decipher parts of it this morning. i didn't sleep very well, woke up frequently and had bad dreams, which were good dreams actually, the only trouble was that they were not real. then i woke up with a jolt at about five in the morning, and my heart was beating loudly and again i had the sensation as if x. was together with another guy this very second. couldn't get back to sleep then.

here's what i wrote yesterday night:

dear paula, i'm drunk. i've found that sun again! driving home through
the night on the subway listening to the indigo girls' "perfect world"
and the banjo the banjo the banjo makes my heart explode. thinking of
you, tears, i repeat, tears rolling down my cheeks. i don't know for how
long it will shine but it shines it shines it shines [unreadable]
pressing my fingernails into my palm [unreadable] i'm *this* close to
singing, *this* close to singing along "we are denying what it costs,
what it takes! you can see beyond the myth of isolation!" and suddenly
out of the blue into the black, maybe powered by the alcohol [unreadable] i
don't [unreadable] paula it's you and me and we are fortunate ones, fortunate
ones i swear! it's pouring, paula, like rain like drops of my heart
that's slowly disintegrating, it's pouring, note for note, i don't know
that's just crazy but here i am the only living boy in cologne, the only
living boy in cologne, i love, i LOVE, jesus! [unreadable] my eyes roll until
you only see the white, i look over my back: people. in front of me:
people. i wish x was here. i wish you were here, i wish i could
dance. i wish i could EXPLODE, little by little

when i was out with the princess she urged me to plan a concert. which was cute because up to now she has always been rather skeptical about my musical aspirations. when i told her that i would do a "private concert" for x. last december she said: "hm, what kind of a christmas present is this? imagine tim (her boyfriend who is also working at the university) would hold a private lecture for me as a x-mas gift! i would be disappointed!" it took me some time to convince her that a 200 lurkers concert and a history lecture are pretty different things in terms of enjoyment and entertainment value. anyway, yesterday she pretended pretty convincingly that she thought that i just *have* to do a concert now. "and who, do you think, will come to see this?!?" i asked her "well, all the people who read your journal for a start!" she answered as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

by the way, i received yet another set of answers today (and why they are coming pouring in when i stop udating the journal is a mystery to me). it's set number 46! we're slowly approaching no 50! i do have a slight idea who might have sent in the latest set. there aren't too many people who would like to play drums in the nerve bible :o)

i'm bouncing in and out of manic and slightly depressive moods. ten minutes ago when i listened to "tether" (indigo girls) i wrote the following in a kind of fit in which spastic typing and playing air-drums alternated madly:

listening to "tether" and i say: YES YES YES YES YES and i want to smash
things and i want to shout out cry out and fucking sing out again, sing
out again, play the drums, strum the guitar, clap my hands and scream
into the microphone and feel my voice amplified a thopusand times in my
belly and my head my head my head and see how people sing with me in the
first row, even my own songs, what a miracle, and feel the bassdrum in
my back and the bass and the electric guitar and then walk up to you and
hug you and kiss you kiss you kiss you with my mouth full of songs and
then feel you close to me and be swept away by the music that's coming
over us like a storm. that's what i want. now! now that i'm sitting on a
friday night in my small apartment and the ceilinmg is slowly coming
down and the walls are closing in. I WANT A BAND AGAIN! i want to feel
the energy again! i want to share this energy with you! i want to stand
in front of you NOW with this music and this song and this fire in my
eyes and my lungs and then i want you to tell it straight to my face
tell it straight to my face that you do not love me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[april 2, 2005 - look the way you're going, you don't even know what you're doing!]

O the sisters of mercy, they are not departed or gone
They were waiting for me, when I thought that I just can't go on
And they gave me their comfort, and later they gave me their song
Oh I hope you run into them, you who've been traveling so long

Yes you who must lose everything that you cannot control
It begins with your family, but soon it comes round to your soul
Well I've been where you're hanging, I think I can see how you're pinned
When you're not feeling holy, your loneliness says that you've sinned

They lay down beside me, I made my confession to them
They touched both my eyes, and I touched the dew on their hem
If your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem

When I left they were sleeping, I hope you run into them soon
Don't turn on the light, you can read their address by the moon
And it won't make me jealous if I learn that they've sweetened your night
We weren't lovers like that, and besides it would still be alright
We weren't lovers like that, and besides it would still be alright

listening to david byrne, which is just a distraction from updating the journal. and the latter is just a distraction from searching a drum sample for "was one" which i have decided to record this week-end. and the latter is just a distraction from working on the thesis.

I loved you in the morning
Our kisses deep and warm,
Your head upon the pillow
Like a sleepy golden strom.
Yes, many loved before us
I know that we are not new,
In city and in forest
They smiled like me and you,
But now it’s come to distances
And both of us must try,
Your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.

I’m not looking for another
As I wander in my time,
Walk me to the corner
Our steps will always rhyme,
You know my love goes with you
As your love stays with me,
It’s just the way it changes
Like the shoreline and the sea,
But let’s not talk of love or chains
And things we can’t untie,
Your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.

[later]

it's been a bloody stupid day, baby. i'm tired. it's 23:49 and my eyes are aching. i'm glad when the week-end is over. i'm missing my home. or the feeling of being home. yes, that's it. maybe that was why spending the easter holidays at my parent's place was so frustrating: because i didn't have the feeling of being 'home' in bielefeld as well. and i don't have it here. the trouble is that it's not a geographical emotion. it's not the matter of *where* one is. i am *this* close to picking up the phone. but what if a male voice answers? i wish paula was here. i wish i would have a room mate. or at least a cat.

[april 3, 2005 - look the way you're going you don't even know what you're doing...]

more bad mood today. but i recorded a new version of "was one" which you can download here or on the 200 lurkers website.

[april 8, 2005 - happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear ceeeddrriicc, happy birthday to you!]

earlier this week i was in town with princess superstar - who is my style counselor. we bought new clothes for me and i spent more money than i have ever spent in my entire life on clothes. bye bye summer holidays! and it's not that i've got 50 new pieces now! only three t-shirts, a jeans and a jacket. but the jeans alone was 140 €. which is absurd, bizarre, crazy and i have no idea how the princess talked me into it. usually the maximum amount of money i'm willing to pay for a pair of pants is 100 €. when i told thomas about my new purchases and i revealed the horrendous price of the jeans he said: "diesel, isn't' it?! it's a diesel jeans!" and i said "right, how on earth did you know!?" "i know, i know! i don't understand what women have with diesel" "me neither! and the store was just awful! all the shop assistants were fatzken!" "i know, i know that store! i would have refused to buy it!"

worked a little on the thesis: read articles and extracted quotations. my entire theory chapter is just a patchwork of quotations swen together by occasional, paratactic sentences from me such as: "as Grosz claims" or "Colebrook states that" or "In contrast to Butler, Deleuze thinks that". it's a little frustrating and i'm not quite sure whther the text works at all. i will present it in the first colloquium session in two weeks and hopefully get some constructive criticism. [:o) see, there's a pun in 'constructive criticism', because butler is a constructivist and deleuze is a materialist... oh well]

i went to the gym today! eah, i know: it's the least likely thing you'd expect me to do! i don't know what went into me but i decided to start working out. this is a big step because usually i don't do any sports. and i feel pretty uncomfortable to be in a room full of sweaty people who are either better looking than me or have more muscles or both. but it felt okay. i only did the bike and the stepper, but it was fun. when i was running home (the gym is a five minutes run from where i live) i was listening to my mp3 player and david byrne sang "now i'm your mom" and it was so great and i knew that writing songs and singing, that making music was SOOOOOOO much better than any gym or workout in this world. you want to know the meaning of life. i have found it: writing songs. period. it's a dirty business, but somebody's got to do it. "now i'm your mom" is simply brilliant! pure endorphin tsunami:

Y.O.U....K.N.O.W....I.'.M....M.A.N....E.N.O.U.G.H
A.I.N.'.T....G.O.I.N.G....T.O....R.U.N....A.N.D....H.I.D.E
M.Y....L.O.V.E....I.S....M.I.G.H.T.Y....T.O.U.G.H
M.Y....L.O.V.E....I.S....M.I.G.H.T.Y....W.I.L.D
I....G.O.T....A....P.A.I.R....O.F....W.I.N.G.S
A.N.D....I.'.M....G.O.N.N.A....F.L.Y....A.W.A.Y
T.O.O....L.A.T.E....T.O....T.U.R.N....B.A.C.K....N.O.W
T.O.M.O.R.R.O.W....C.A.M.E....T.O.D.A.Y....F.O.R....M.E

[april 9, 2005 - now and then i get horny...]

so, i've rediscovered david byrne. yesterday it was uh oh, and i still remember when cedric gave it to me and he said: "i think it's a pretty good record!". i only listened to it once and didn't really like it, so i put it away, and it was only during the last week that i realized that cedric had been right in the first place. today i'm listening to byrne's rei momo. i really like the blend of melodies, brazilian rhythms, brilliant ironic lyrics and manic madness. my favorite moment on the record: already in the very first song, "independence day", after the bridge when the last chorus sets in with the backing voices

this compass points in two directions
and north and south are both the same
we look forward to the good times
come on independence day
hey lady, you make me giggle shiver
we squiggle like honeymooners do
i'm struck by lightning
it's frightening
so exciting on independence day!

so now i'm officially single again. which means: if you want to ask me out on a date, write me a mail. the address is on the start page.

i really, really have started to love the 200 lurkers version of "was one". of course it's only for the paul simon percussion sample. but still, it's so upbeat and, well, 'groovy' :o) i have to write and record new songs. i have to restructure my life drastically i have decided. i've been wasting way too much time being lazy, watching tv, playing spider solitaire. i think the end of the relationship was a reason to think about my age. i'm almost 33. thirty-three!!!!!!!! i need to start doing all the things i had planned to do. so i figured that i would get up earlier next week, at 6:50 maybe, then go to the gym and after that to work. during the day i have to blacken pages. and in the evening i have to be creative. besides that i need to go out more, find an attractive, intelligent and funny person [it *might* be you! :o)] and maybe i'll try to find a couple of people to make music with. I NEED TWO LIVES!!!!!!

[april 10, 2005 - Now I’m workin’ up a sweat! I’m ready now-- I’m ready now--]

anyway, here's a quotation that i have to copy anyway, so why not type it here

"In short, if we are Spinozists we will not define a thing by its form, nor by its organs and its functions, nor as a substance or a subject. Borrowing terms from the Middle Ages, or from geography, we will define it by longitude and latitude. A body can be anything; it can be an animal, a body of sounds, a mind or an idea; it can be a linguistic corpus, a social body, a collectivity. We call longitude of a body the set of relations of speed and slowness, of motion and rest, between particles that compose it from this point of view, that is, between unformed elements. We call latitude the set of affects that occupy a body at each moment, that is, the intensive states of an anonymous force (force for existing, capacity for being affected). In this way we construct the map of a body. The longitudes and latitudes together constitute Nature, the plane of immanence or consistency, which is always variable and is constantly being altered, composed and recomposed, by individuals and collectives."

tomorrow the semester will start again and thomas will be back from the states. he'll be probably at the office at 5:30 in the morning because of the jet lag. my plan is to be at the gym at seven tomorrow morning so i can do something before work. which mean that i'll have to get up at a quarter to seven. which i haven't done in a long time :o). 42 students have enrolled for my seminar which will start on tuesday. it'll be an 'ordinary' introductory course of the type which i have taught a couple of times already.

oh yes, i almost forgot. last year in olomouc at the american studies colloquium they had a kind of cultural progam one evening. and at the beginning of the conference bob, the organizer, asked if we still had suggestions for texts that might be read there. so i mailed him the other day and asked him whether he is searching for texts for this year as well and i asked him whether i could send in some of paula's poems and see whether he thinks that they would fit. and he said: send 'em. :o) so maybe paula's writings will be part of the conference. did i already mention that you can find readings of some of her poems on the [atoms-dust] website?

[april 11, 2005 - sunrise sunrise, looks like morning in your eyes]

yesterday night i watched "my name is nobody", more or less by mistake. and i realized what a brilliant film this is. it's not one of those stupid terrence hill and bud spencer western but a really clever study about fame, about history and about the american west. and i fell in love with the music by enio moricone. you know, that whistle tune. so i downloaded it today - yes, things have gone that far: i'm falling in love with a late 70s italo western soundtrack - and it's playing now and i'm instantly flipping into a good mood. princess superstar came by to say hello at the office today. also, everybody else was in today. besides thomas there were leyla and bernd, nadine and stephanie and of course blaine and the princess. at one point we were all sitting in the office, discussing lacan's "object a", the pope's funeral and fist fucking [a topic that slavoi zizek had introduced in relation to deleuze and foucault. it's a long story...] and i thought: this is my family.

thomas' lecture on deleuze started today, and as usual it was very inspiring. think i'm going to learn quite a lot this semester. maybe i'll get some new ideas to continue with the thesis. sigh. when i told thomas about my gym aspirations his face brightened and he stretched out his arm: "give me five!" he said. :o) at one point bernd and i were talking about our youth today and how weird it was to see photos from the 70s. and i said that it is even weirder to see photos from the 90s. because the 70s are so long ago and i still was a child back then. but when i see images of me from the 90s, it really shocks me! because in 1996 i was 24 already. how can you lack EVERY sense of style with 24? well, i could. i transferred an old vhs tape to dvd the other week and it was a film of my parents' anniversary and there i was: badly dressed, terrible henna-red hair, gruesome glasses and a strange kind of female 'aura'... i was not quite myself back then!

tomorrow my seminar will start. i'm not really nervous yet. i'm feeling pretty well in fact, which i find a little surprising given the fact that i really was tired and burned out doing sport on friday, saturday, sunday and today. and i haven't had a decent meal in over three weeks. i'm only having a bowl of soup in the evenings. actually i should faint right on the spot :o) i have no idea how my body is managing this, but it does. "I have not been unhappy for ten thousand years | During the day I laugh and during the night I sleep | My favourite cooks prepare my meals | my body cleans and repairs itself | and all my work goes well." this is the last verse of cohen's "I have not lingered in european monasteries".

it's 21:28 and the music makes me feel infinitely delicate and infinitely precious. what a great melody. what a weird sound :o) i wish i could post music here. i wish i could share the feeling with you right now. not when you read this, not when i sleep, but right now. i wish i could understand why this short tune from a b-movie means so much for me right now at this very moment. i don't even think that it stands for anything, it's just there, intense and carefree.

hey! i've just received another request for a 200 lurkers cd and it's from a city in kansas *again*. how strange! of all places in the world!

[april 12, 2005 - lose the cuffs, it's been tough but it's fast improving!]

had the first session of my seminar today, which went fine. the students seem to be attentive and nice. if it wasn't so unprofessional i would even say that some look pretty nice :o) paula and i are exchanging mails almost daily now. which is nice. i think it would be great to meet her in person. somehow we ended up talking about sexuality and i wrote: "i really wonder how much love, and making love, has to do with male and/or female bodies. i have this fantasy that it wouldn't have mattered if x. had been a man, too. or if i had been a woman, too. in my distorted and hopelessly romanticized memories what had been so intense did not necessarily depend on primary sexual organs but more on the feeling of body on body, on warmth and heat, and on smell. and i think if i had meet a guy and he would have smelled and felt like x. i would have found a way to make love to him. and if i had had a woman's body i, too, would have found a way to make love to her. as one of cohen's characters says: 'all flesh can come!'" paula told me that she once had a friend with whom she got drunk and then discussed kafka, nietzsche and deleuze.

time goes by way too fast now that thomas is back and the seminars have started. today an unusually big number of people came to my office hours and wanted to talk about term papers. which is nice. i like giving advice to people, helping them to find a topic and structuring their work. all the things i cannot do for myself :o)

i don't know. i feel strange. listening to "my name is nobody" on repeat. this alone is weird (and in fact when thomas came storming into my office today and the song was playing on repeat he said to me: "no wonder that every girl is leaving you when you're constantly looping songs!") but i somehow feel happy, or at least light hearted. which instantly makes me sad again because when i'm feeling this way i want to share it and then i realize that i'm alone. then the flute starts again and i feel happy, realize that this happiness is a solitary one and become slightly sad again and so on.

received another set of answers today. it's number 47! so we're approaching no 50 rapidly!

[april 13, 2005 - straps and bruises, if i lose, i follow you blind]

[april 14, 2005 - everything is temporary anyway / when the streets are wet / the colors slip into the sky / but i don't know why that means you and i oh that means you and / i quit, i give up / nothing's good enough for anybody else / it seems / and being alone is the / is the best way to be / when i'm by myself it's the best way to be / when i'm all alone it's the best way to be / when i'm by myself nobody else can say good-bye!]

[later, 23:00]

[april 15, 2005 - why deny the obvious child?]

[april 16, 2005 - my love is as sharp | as a needle in your eye | you must be such a fool | to pass me by]

[later]

so i got out my guitar and instead of preparing next week's session i recorded a 200 lurkers cover-version of morrissey's "seasick, yet still docked". it's very stripped down: just guitar and voice. now, i don't know what a true morrissey fan would say, but i like it :o) of course it's always difficult to cover songs that are perfect already.

achim came by yesterday and we worked on connecting the powerbook to the intranet of the university. he'll also come on monday and we will hopefully finish transferring the ibook files to the powerbook. then thomas will get the powerbook and i inherit the ibook. which is cool. the powerbook was too stylish and new for me anyway. i would have been paranoiac about every scratch on it. i'm tired. feel like i'm getting sick, my throat is itching and i keep coughing. mildly, yet. anyway, good night. comments on the morrissey cover are appreciated.

...

i don't know: things happen. and then they stop. other things keep standing still, even though i'm moving. and even though i'm moving, i keep still, with that same view onto the parking lot of the gym which only changes when some cars are moved away and other come to stand still. the things i want to lose cling to me and accompany me everywhere, the things i want to get to are further away than ever. i don't want to complain. but i do complain, i know. it's late and you see, i've got no charm.

[sunday, april 17, 2004 -

there was something that i wanted to mention ever since i continued with the journal a week ago. x. has promised me that she wouldn't come visit here anymore. and i trust her. otherwise i would of course not continued writing and i would not have written what i wrote. just wanted to clarify that this. i didn't ask her not to read the journal anymore, she came up with the idea by herself.

[april 20, 2005 - but square cut or pair shaped / these rocks don't lose their shape!]

i will spare you all commentaries on the new pope. but that these reactionary old farts elect the most reactionary, smelliest old fart was somewhat predictable :o( well, at least there's a clear 'feindbild' again. don't really know what else to write. i'm frustrated about my dating situation because i *still* haven't gotten any mails from you girls out there asking me for a date! that's a fact! i'm also frustrated about the progress that my thesis makes. i haven't worked on it for two weeks. which sucks and which gives me a bad feeling and frequent fits of panic, which are rather unpleasant, to say the least. the general fear of living is sneaking back into my life through the backdoor.

rediscovered morrissey's song "southpaw". it's great on the stepper and it's great on the train on my way to work. it has kept raining for two days straight and i couldn't get to work by bike but had to take public transport which is slow, crowded and slow, did i mention slow? anyway, the song is over ten minutes and the last five are a sort of improvised sound collage of drums, bass and guitars which flows along like a river or a stream, and in which certain patterns are formed and then dissolved and then formed again. really great. and it has a haunting melody and lyrics:

"You were a boy before you became a man
I don't see the joy
And you ran with your pals in the sun
You turned around and they were gone
Again ...
A sick boy should be treated
So easily defeated
Oh, I just don't understand
So you ran with your pals in the sun
You turned around
You were alone
Again ...
And you ran back to Ma
Which set the pace for the rest of your days
Oh, you ran back to Ma
Which set the pace for the rest of your days
Oh, you ran back to Ma
Which set the pace for the rest of your days
And now, there is something that you should know
There is something that you should know
The girl of your dreams is
Here all alone
Girl of your dreams is
Here all alone
The girl of your dreams is
Sad and all alone
The girl of your dreams is
Here all alone
There is something that you should know
There is something that you should know
Girl of your dreams is
Here all alone
The girl of your dreams is
Sad and is all alone
The girl of your dreams is
Sad and is feeling all alone
Oh, there is something that you should know
Help me, help me, help me ..."

even later

[april 21, 2005 - and i've never felt so alive / in the whole of my life / free yourself / be yourself / come to the Palms and see yourself / and at last your life begins / at last your life begins...]

:o) the 50th set of answers has arrived today :o)

[april 22, 2005 - just because i feel you doesn't mean you're here!]

you know: i've felt my pulse vibrating like a mad bug on the outer layers of my skin while listening to björk's "hyperballad", gene's "olympian" and 200 lurkers' "headcrash". radiohead's "let down", paul simon's "the cool, cool river" and suzanne's "pilgrimage" give me moments which are so powerful and overwhelming that i don't care if i live or die. i've experienced moments in which a crowd of people is standing in front of me with their eyes closed, singing along to songs that i wrote, i've had the person i admire most remember my face and name and worry about my well being. i have played songs that i wrote to people i know and they started to cry. i've had people i don't know read what i've written and they started to cry. i've teachers whose wisdom make my skin brittle and my head crack up. i've a friend whose words and voice send shivers down my spine and make *me* cry. i've had the most beautiful and smartest woman, i've had the handsomest and cutest man - i've had people who i never thought would care to give themselves to a freak like me. but they did. i should be the happiest man in the world. maybe i am. and maybe that's why i'm missing you so tonight that my nose starts to bleed. i'm missing you so!! :o(

".H.E.L.P...M.E.!...B.E.C.A.U.S.E...I...C.A.N.'.T...S.T.O.P...B.E.I.N.G...O.V.E.R.J.O.Y.E.D.!."

my heart became a bone | my mind left me alone | everything is at its place except for you | from the broken lines in space | i can tell that it's not just the sun | but your face that curves the room as well.

[saturday april 23, 2005 - i'll be the first to praise the sun / the first to praise the moon]

yesterday the first british edition of cohen's flowers for hitler which i had bought on ebay for 3,50 (!!) arrived. a beautiful addition to my little cohen collection :o) "i wish i was a nomad, an indian or a saint" the indigo girls are singing almost jubilatingly. tonight princess superstar will take me to a party of a teacher-friend of hers. and after that we will have a beer in the südstadt.

[later - and sometimes i think of her / when she is fucking you]

[april 24, 2005 - now what would you have me do? / i ask you please! / i wait to hear]

[APRIL 20something, 2005 - i quit i give upo nothing's good enough for anybody else]

[april 26, 2005 - did you learn how to swim? did you learn how to move? call me easy, say i'm strong, love me may way, it ain't wrong!]

many, many mails to and from paula. some of the thinks we've been talking about really got me thinking. i wrote:

you know, the weird thing about the whole situation was that y (that's the name) is so similar to x.. i mean: x was a perfect ten. she was intelligent, and her looks were just breathtaking. she could have been together with *ANY*body she wanted. but she chose me. at least for some months. i never understood why, it was like a miracle. and i felt the same way about y: five years younger than me, greatest and sexiest body i have ever seen and a very cute smile. y could have met *ANY*body as well and i didn't understand why y picked me. and i still don't get why these beautiful people care to touch me, to kiss me. i don't get it. honestly. sometimes i think that something, some force, has sent these people to me to touch me. like a gift from someone, a gift for some months or just one night. it's so unlikely that they would team up with me otherwise, these two small miracles in my life.

that makes me sad: that i'm not a perfect ten to you. that i couldn't capture your heart and body like x and y. these beautiful people care to touch you, to kiss you because you have the stars of the darkest night in your body and the diamonds of the deepest ocean in your mind.

no, you are not a perfect ten to me. because 'perfect ten' is something very superficial, something that relates only to the demands of society, something that simply repeats arbitrary ideas of beauty and health. you are not a small miracle like x or y. you are my big miracle, paula. you are still there, after all this time, and you will still be there when any thoughts about y or x have long gone. the beauty that you've planted into my life will grow and flower for ever, continuously. it's not a once-in-a-lifetime bonfire, it's a steady, burning force that enriches me on a much profounder level.

sometimes i think that people like x and y cared for me because i carry within my heart and within my eyes all the beauty and grace of your poems, of suzanne's songs, of leonard's novels and all the affection of friends like you, princess superstar and blane. maybe the shivers that run down my spine when i read your texts, the waves of energy that i feel when i listen to songs, the good headache that i get when i follow thomas' teaching, maybe they *do* leave their marks on my body. not like these ideals of beauty imposed by society which write themselves onto the skin- and the muscle-surface, but they couple with my body on some deeper, microscopic level of intensity and make it shine in ways i will never understand. i think they do. i think i *do* shine. in the dark, under the covers, when the lights are out, i can turn my arms and hands in front of my face and i can see them burn, softly glowing, a fluorescent, warm pulse.

[april 27, 2005 -

lots of sun today and the 51st set of answers to the feedback form has arrived :o) keep them coming!

trying to keep myself busy. mild fits of panic or all sorts of reasons: my empty heart and the future prospects at the university manage to knock my feet off the ground every other day. we've been planning what we're going to do next wednesday when we're all going to meet to have a little farewell party for achim and princess superstar.

[later]

I'm harboring a fugitive a defector of a kind
He lives in my soul drinks of my wine
And I'd give my last breath to keep us alive
Are they coming for us with cameras or guns
We don't know which but we gotta run
You say this is not what I bargained for
So hide yourself for me
All for me

We swore to ourselves we'd go to the end of the world
But you got caught up in the whirl and the twirl of it all
A day in the sun dancing alone
Baby I'm so sorry now
Now it's coming to you the lessons I've learned
Won't do you any good you've got to get burned
The curse and the blessing they're one in the same
Baby it's all such a treacherous gain
Hide yourself from me
I said hide yourself from me
All for me

I stood without clothes danced in the sand
I was aching with freedom kissing the damned
I said remember this as how it should be
Baby I said it's all in our hands
Got to learn to respect what we don't understand
We are fortunate ones fortunate ones I swear
So hide yourself for me
I will hide myself for you
All for you

A summer night the hot the heat | Sit at my desk fluorescent light
Drawing a picture of a perfect moment | I saw it once on a grand avenue
That stretched into the distance | And you and I were walking there
Lost in the moment
Life on a string
Some people know exactly where they're going | The pilgrims to Mecca
The climbers to the mountain top | But me, I'm just looking
For just a single moment | So I can slip through time
Life on a string.

[april 28, 2005 - love is a better word / love is the only word / that you understand]

on saturday i have to be supervising the written exams in the morning. :o( which means four hours of boring sitting-around. wasted time, basically. my apartment is a mess! i need to do the laundry and the dishes and it's all dusty and dirty. think i will do an extensive house-cleaning day this week-end. also i still have to prepare the seminar. the next session will be on drama, my least favorite topic.

guess it's not the best day today. even though it shouldn't hurt it did. maybe because the knowledge that there was *some*thing to exchange (even if it wasn't any feelings or emotions but only things) gave me some hope. so tomorrow i will meet the princess and she will give me my things. and i catch myself hoping that the bag she will be giving me contains a message from x.. i'm a hopeless case, or rather: i'm not, unfortunately. "i rock for you only you to hold me tight".

[later]

[april 29, 2005 - tell me we both matter, don't we?]

[later, after the gym and after the shower]

[april 30, 2005 - did you learn how to swim / did you learn how to move]

i'm sitting in front of 80 students who are writing for their life. the room is crowded, the air is bad and they still have 45 minutes to finish their exam essays. all in all we'll then have been caged in here on a saturday morning for four hours - four boring hours in which i can't really do anything except bore myself to death. i can't work because i have to be attentive all the time, and i can't read for the same reason. plus: there's a very attractive student sitting right in front of me. unfortunately she's caring more for her essay than for me. while she's writing her lips are sometimes forming words unconsciously, which is cute. i like the looks of people who are thinking. i like the expression in their eyes when they've found the right formulation and when a smile hurries across their face because they've had an idea.

the image is sort of arbitrary. it's one of my favorite cartoon figures and very much how i'm feeling today. and how i look like, for that matter. sometimes i wish i had a t-shirt with big, capital letters that quoted paula's line from 'ramblings on day of open hand': "find me! please, oh find me!"

when i returned from the university in the afternoon i went shopping and cleaned the apartment. then nadine called who was on her way from brussels back to bielefeld: she had a one hour stay in cologne so we met for a coffee. which was nice. when i went back home i realized that the city was filled with more obnoxious people than usual on a saturday night. and then it dawned on me that tomorrow is may 1st and that tonight the unfortunate and unholy "tanz in den mai" takes place: dancing into may. eine völkische landeier-veranstaltung für pubertierende und|oder verzweifelte mid-dreissiger. so masses of annoying, drunken people were roaming rowdily through the street bawling " we are the champions". stayed home and wrote to paula then.

realized that x. is still way too much a significant force in my life, if only as a negative matrix. it's like lots of the things i'm doing are reactions to some imaginary x-actions: like "oh, she is going out dancing so i have to go out dancing as well" or "she is meeting new people, so i have to meet new people as well!" or "she has got five new boyfriends at a time so i have to do as well". much of what i do are effects of causes that aren't there any longer. stupid, self-generated fits of panic and blind action. even though she's not there anymore i'm unconsciously acting up to her approval or to a kind of mad competition or revenge. do you know what i mean? i make myself so tired sometimes.

and tired is a good cue. because i need to go to bed now. i got up really early this morning because of the exams and now my head is in danger of crashing onto the keyboard. tomorrow is another month. wonder what it will bring. wish paula was here in person. i will end this month's sad entries with what i won't write. you know it anyway, you know all the images, the metaphors, the tone of self-pity. "we are accidents waiting to happen"