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[april 10, 2005 - Now Iím workiní up a sweat! Iím ready now-- Iím ready now--]
okay, i will continue the journal tonight and here are the entries of the past two weeks:
[march 20, 2005 - and i said: okay, who is this really? and the voice said: this is the hand, the hand that takes...]
well i had the shortest phone-conversation ever tonight. i called somebody. yes, the person refered to only as "somebody" in this journal. the person i had a four year relationship with in bielefeld. i have no idea why, maybe just to find out what went wrong back then, because the situation seems to be somehow similar now to how it was back then: sudden fading out of affection, the love for me vaporized and gone and nobody knows where. i never wanted to talk to her after she broke up with me. i didn't want to have any contact to her. but during the last couple of days i suddenly felt that my relation to her had changed now that my cologne relationship has ended as well. i felt that after what happened in the last few days i could - for some strange reason - talk to her again just like to a person that i once knew, maybe only to hear a familiar voice (which is absurd because her voice isn't familiar to me at all anymore), maybe to find out what it is about me that make people stop loving me after a certain time just like that. so i got her number from the operator and when she answered the phone i said: "hi, this is philipp. i think it might be best to give you five seconds to decide whether you want to talk to me or not..." she didn't need five seconds. so, there you go: another alienated soul.
[march 25, 2005 - sunrise sunrise]
talked to cedric on the phone yesterday, exchanged mails with paula. thomas mailed and wrote some very sweet lines how sorry he was and that i should keep my head up and stuff, very sympathetic, a totally new thomas-side. actually i'm feeling okay. i managed to work the past couple of days, so now the theory part has reached page 11. which is still too little, but more than nothing. i don't know why i'm not more desperate. the first three days were hell, but now i'm really quiet and just, well, calm. maybe it's because i still have hope that x. will change her mind. maybe it's because i haven't realize the entire situation yet. i'm constantly asking myself: is this it or are there some major blows following with break downs and cried through nights. i'm such a whimp! but these emotional things just turn me upside down and inside out.

had two ideas for new songs, but instead of taking the guitar and composing i'm watching seinfeld episodes. they're the beast means to get distracted from reality completely. i'm also glad that the people at work are friends and that i feel comfortable and almost at home in the office. today we decorated the white board: we put gray felt onto it. it looks great! and we're the only department that has it :o) listened to "sunrise" on repeat the entire day. still can't make out the lyrics, though :o)

haven't really eaten anything the past couple of days. i'm not having anything the whole day and at night i only eat a soup. at first i wasn't hungry because the break up left me all nervous and with a constant feeling of sickness. and now i don't have the sensation of hunger anymore at all. it's great. eating is overrated anyways. i just keep drinking liters of water and tea the whole day and i think i already have lost some weight. i will just hunger myself out of this world: i will just get thinner and thinner and fade out and eventually vanish. just like the love people have felt for me.

and now the night will throw its cover down on me again...

[march 25, 2005 - and i said oo ohh ooh oh]
i'm afraid that x. will call. we haven't spoken or seen each other for a week now. i don't know if she wants to talk to me in the first place. i don't know if she's waiting for my call, maybe. but i'm afraid of talking to her. maybe by not picking up the phone i can defer the moment when she says to me: "you still have got the keys to my apartment and i also have to return a couple of books to you" i don't want to hear this. i don't want to hear that it's REALLY true and REALLY final.

met with princess superstar in a cafe by the river, which was very nice. i was sitting opposite the big windows and could see the ships going by and the big bridge that runs across the rhine. suddenly the princess said: "let's swap places, i want to enjoy the view as well", so i sat on her place and when she was sitting again as well i could see that at the table behind her was a young, blonde woman sitting. and the princess smiled and avoided my looks and i said: "jesus, you're so predictable".

i'm going to spend two days in bielefeld. i'll go there saturday noon and return monday in the afternoon. i will probably spend sunday with nadine, which should be fun.

got the okay for olomouc 2005 today! my proposal for a talk got accepted :o)

[march 26, 27, 28, 2005 - your heart like a dam when it breaks]
i'm on the way to bielefeld to spend the week-end at my parents' place. had a disquiet morning: the sun was shining into my room and i kept thinking about x. although i didn't wanted to. she hasn't called yet - i guess the chances that she's found out in the past days during which we haven't seen each other that she still has some feelings for me that resemble love are getting slimmer and slimmer. i'm afraid that she'll call to confirm and fix the status quo. does it matter that i don't understand how she's feeling and that i just can't make any sense of the whole situation? i guess not. one never can make any sense "i need you / i don't need you / i need you / i don't need you" the lyrics to "chelsea hotel" come to my mind. "for me you would make an exception". i realize how far i am from being somebody who can "ride the chaos of existence like an escaped ski". i should simply use these turbulences now to gain speed, like a boat that dives into a vortex just to be spat out into the stream again twice as fast, like a satellite that is diving onto a giant planet with suicidal tendencies just to get hooked on its force of gravity and be hurled into dark, deep space after semi circling it.

outside fields and cities are passing by - i wonder where those moments have gone that i had been so certain about just a couple of weeks ago when i was walking from work back home and i was listening to the indigo girls singing "fill it up again" and the music filled me to the brim and for s short moment i felt like i could master everything, that my life would turn out to be just okay as long as the music can make me feel this way. it was like having a shield or a source of energy, a hidden sun in my heart that would never stop giving me warmth and life. i wonder where all this is now.

it's childish, but there's this little kid inside of me that is stamping its foot crying: "i don't want that it's over!" the other day when i caught myself saying her name without reason and without answer to myself and to the empty room i thought about the lyrics to stina nordenstam's "soon after christmas"

I've called you now a thousand times
I think I know now
You're not home
I've said your name a thousand times
To be prepared if you'd be there

I wanted so to have you
And I wanted you to know
I wanted to write songs
About how we're walking in the snow

You've got me slightly disappointed
Just a bit and just enough
To keep me up another night
Waiting for another
 
 

                                      day

The city's taking a day off
The streets are empty
No one's out tonight
My life is in another's hands

I wanted so to have you
And I wanted you to know
I wanted to write songs
About how we're walking in the snow

But there's no snow this winter
there's no words for what I feel for you
It's not enough
Though it's too much
Why must it always be like that?

The TV screen is lighting up my room
The film has ended
Every inch of my skin is crying for your hands

You've got me slightly disappointed
Just a bit and just enough
To keep me up another night
Waiting for another
 
 

                                      day.

i'm sitting in my parents' living room, the afternoon sun is shining through the french window and the cat just came down to lie by my feet pouringly. "sunrise" on repeat again. i brought the cd. my parents are visiting an aunt of mine but i stayed here because i'll meet nadine later this afternoon. don't feel happy, in fact i'm close to crying. i feel lonely and wish that i had some positive news from x.. haven't heard from her in over a week. she's probably happier without me now. maybe there's also already a new guy. the cat's ear looks like the scarred and bitten backfin of a shark. tried to sing along to "sunrise" but then my voice broke "like a dam when it breaks". i'm missing her. i'm missing the certainty of knowing where i belong. it's like my home had gone suddenly. it's like staying in a strange and unfamiliar town each night. it wasn't such a good idea to spend the easter holidays here. i wish i was in cologne, at least i'd have my computer there and could work.

the other day i caught myself how i was talking to myself in my room. i was carrying a steaming cup of tea from the kitchen to my desk and while i did this i was talking out aloud as if someone was with me in the room.

[later]
it's ten to twelve on sunday night and i've just watched 5 episodes of seinfeld. i don't want to think. i've had to think about her all day long and it scared the shit out of me that it could all be over just like that. i don't want it to be over. i wish i could at least FIGHT for her, but i feel that every move i make towards her is putting her off more.

[easter monday] great! woke up at 3.20 in the night and had a fit of panic. i felt that something had happened and my heart was pacing like mad. felt like she just had been with another guy. couldn't get back to sleep then and when i did, i dreamt that she had written me a letter and told me that she would come back. did you ever fall in love again with a guy whom you had a relationship with before?

[later]
i'm on the way back to cologne. finally i've been nervous all day, fearing and hoping for a message on my answering machine. i don't understand myself. there are moments when i think to myself that it's just better this way and that i might get much happier with someone else, and then, only a second later it feels like the world would come to an end. i'm missing her. and i want to tell her this. but i don't dare to talk to her because i'm afraid of her answer. i'm afraid it will just be an embarrassing and speechless silence. the world is passing by outside and i feel stupid. i mean it's such an everyday thing: a woman leaves a man. happens a thousand times a day around the world. i had hoped that she'd be missing me so much that she would call.
[march 29, 2005 - ]
hi there. helped princess superstar today to buy a laptop, a printer and a scanner. and since while we were at the store i bought a flat screen monitor for myself. finally. i dreamed about this for a long time: clearer pictures and more space on my desk.

when i was helping the princess to instal a couple of programs this afternoon she suddenly got an sms: it was from x. and she asked her whether she would like to come over for dinner tomorrow. it made me feel sick: what does this mean? is it a good sign? is it a bad sign? is it not a sign at all?  after all the princess and x. know each other much longer than x. and i do. as a matter of fact, the princess sort of fixed us up. but it got me thinking all day long and i'm nervous and i can't concentrate. will they be talking about me? will x. tell her that she's feeling better now, that she might even feel enough for me to give it a second chance? will she tell her that she misses me? or will she tell her that she has another boyfriend now? and how will i react when i meet princess superstar then? will i ask her anything? do i really want to hear what she could tell me about x? only good things. but what if she cannot tell me good things? what if she says: "i cannot tell you good things" - and even imagining that gives me the shivers, gives me this sharp, cold pain, as if something inside my chest had broken and acid was running down my lungs.

i cannot even write any songs. i tried to put this feeling to any use, but it didn't work. yet? i don't know.

got another set of answers to the feedback form.

[march 31, 2005]
my back hurts right between my shoulder blades. i'm tense and unrelaxed. could need a massage. and a hot bath. more sun this afternoon. i'm angry about the economics students who have occupied the humanities building to prepare a big congress where a lot of important industry bosses will come. it's absurd: they have a limousine service, they are rearranging the entire building, they're even putting a carpet in, building additional walls to separate the bosses from the students, there is heavy security and all in all they're simply building a disneyland university. they are even cleaning the escalators! just because some big-shots from vw come to visit. it's a totally different world! simulacrum. but if we have people like rosi braidotti, otto rössler or brian massumi we cannot even pay the taxi from the hotel to the university.

various kinds of thoughts today:

well, princess superstar and x. met yesterday night. and yes: i must admit that i had hoped all night to get a call from either of them. from the princess to tell me: "call her, she's missing you!" and from x. to tell me: "the princess said you're missing me. i miss you too!" but... nothing happened. no call no sms no email. yesterday morning the panic packed me again and i thought: what if x. wants to meet the princess because she has to tell me something and does not know why. like that she has a new boyfriend. (you see, i'm totally paranoic, thinking the entire world would revolve around me exclusively. probably x. wants to meet the princess simply because they are old friends...). i remembered last sunday morning when i woke up because i sort of knew that x. was together (in every sense of the word) with someone new. i don't understand why i can't let go of things. i seem to grab people and hold on to them so much that they feel the urge to struggle for freedom. and even if they kick and bite, i cannot let go of them. there have always been these two cohen songs that i associated with her right from the start: "that's no way to say good-bye and "sisters of mercy". i don't know why, but maybe i had some kind of foreboding... i only wish i could be as light hearted about the situation as lenny was: "we weren't lovers like that and besides it would still be alright..."

there are moments when it feels that from now on everything new will only be second choice.

[later]
paula wrote and said that she's been listening to the live version of space walk for over an hour :o) . princess superstar just called and said that she and x. did *not* meet yesterday night becaue x. had to work. i will meet the princess tonight and we will check out some bars in her new neighborhood.
[april 1, 2005 - i would go round round round the bend and fill it up again!]
i'm sitting in a garden café, sleeves rolled up and my face tense from the sun. i'm correcting tests on The Glass Menagerie. i hate giving people grades. especially since the essays are the students' second attempt to pass, they all have failed the first time. anyway, the spring weather compensates for my intellectual hardship and suffering :o) but not for all the bloody people around: in pairs - naturally! - or with babies and kids. no good-looking women around who could ask me for the time or invite me for a coffee. i'm not very old-fashioned in courting-, flirting- and mating-matters: i like to be approached and seduced because i don't really have the nerves or the courage to do the first step myself. or the charms for that amtter. "you see, i have no charm..."

met with princess superstar yesterday evening and we went on a little pub tour through the "südstadt" where she's living now. even though i didn't really had a lot to drink i got pretty drunk because i haven't eaten anything solid for almost two weeks. i just have a soup at night and that's it. so i felt the alcohol at once and when i was driving home i was pretty pissed, i think. i scribbled down a note to paula in the subway, but i'm not able to decipher parts of it this morning. i didn't sleep very well, woke up frequently and had bad dreams, which were good dreams actually, the only trouble was that they were not real. then i woke up with a jolt at about five in the morning, and my heart was beating loudly and again i had the sensation as if x. was together with another guy this very second. couldn't get back to sleep then.

here's what i wrote yesterday night:

dear paula, i'm drunk. i've found that sun again! driving home through
the night on the subway listening to the indigo girls' "perfect world"
and the banjo the banjo the banjo makes my heart explode. thinking of
you, tears, i repeat, tears rolling down my cheeks. i don't know for how
long it will shine but it shines it shines it shines [unreadable]
pressing my fingernails into my palm [unreadable] i'm *this* close to
singing, *this* close to singing along "we are denying what it costs,
what it takes! you can see beyond the myth of isolation!" and suddenly
out of the blue into the black, maybe powered by the alcohol [unreadable] i
don't [unreadable] paula it's you and me and we are fortunate ones, fortunate
ones i swear! it's pouring, paula, like rain like drops of my heart
that's slowly disintegrating, it's pouring, note for note, i don't know
that's just crazy but here i am the only living boy in cologne, the only
living boy in cologne, i love, i LOVE, jesus! [unreadable] my eyes roll until
you only see the white, i look over my back: people. in front of me:
people. i wish x was here. i wish you were here, i wish i could
dance. i wish i could EXPLODE, little by little
there you go. don't drink and write, kids!

when i was out with the princess she urged me to plan a concert. which was cute because up to now she has always been rather skeptical about my musical aspirations. when i told her that i would do a "private concert" for x. last december she said: "hm, what kind of a christmas present is this? imagine tim (her boyfriend who is also working at the university) would hold a private lecture for me as a x-mas gift! i would be disappointed!" it took me some time to convince her that a 200 lurkers concert and a history lecture are pretty different things in terms of enjoyment and entertainment value. anyway, yesterday she pretended pretty convincingly that she thought that i just *have* to do a concert now. "and who, do you think, will come to see this?!?" i asked her "well, all the people who read your journal for a start!" she answered as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

by the way, i received yet another set of answers today (and why they are coming pouring in when i stop udating the journal is a mystery to me). it's set number 46! we're slowly approaching no 50! i do have a slight idea who might have sent in the latest set. there aren't too many people who would like to play drums in the nerve bible :o)

i'm bouncing in and out of manic and slightly depressive moods. ten minutes ago when i listened to "tether" (indigo girls) i wrote the following in a kind of fit in which spastic typing and playing air-drums alternated madly:

listening to "tether" and i say: YES YES YES YES YES and i want to smash
things and i want to shout out cry out and fucking sing out again, sing
out again, play the drums, strum the guitar, clap my hands and scream
into the microphone and feel my voice amplified a thopusand times in my
belly and my head my head my head and see how people sing with me in the
first row, even my own songs, what a miracle, and feel the bassdrum in
my back and the bass and the electric guitar and then walk up to you and
hug you and kiss you kiss you kiss you with my mouth full of songs and
then feel you close to me and be swept away by the music that's coming
over us like a storm. that's what i want. now! now that i'm sitting on a
friday night in my small apartment and the ceilinmg is slowly coming
down and the walls are closing in. I WANT A BAND AGAIN! i want to feel
the energy again! i want to share this energy with you! i want to stand
in front of you NOW with this music and this song and this fire in my
eyes and my lungs and then i want you to tell it straight to my face
tell it straight to my face that you do not love me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
life is bloody confusing. more mails from and to paula. she sent two new pictures of herself and one of her dog. more lobotomizing seinfeld episodes. added a new paragraph to my thesis. need to work more. need to sleep less. need to live more. need to love more. need to be loved more. it's been april fools day today. it's 0:07, so it's over now. nobody played a trick on me. nobody did a trick at all. that is if the pope and harald juhnke have not faked their deaths. missing you.
[april 2, 2005 - look the way you're going, you don't even know what you're doing!]
saturday morning, the sun is shining into my room like a searchlight, spotting every long blond hair left behind shining on the carpet or the sofa.
O the sisters of mercy, they are not departed or gone
They were waiting for me, when I thought that I just can't go on
And they gave me their comfort, and later they gave me their song
Oh I hope you run into them, you who've been traveling so long

Yes you who must lose everything that you cannot control
It begins with your family, but soon it comes round to your soul
Well I've been where you're hanging, I think I can see how you're pinned
When you're not feeling holy, your loneliness says that you've sinned

They lay down beside me, I made my confession to them
They touched both my eyes, and I touched the dew on their hem
If your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem

When I left they were sleeping, I hope you run into them soon
Don't turn on the light, you can read their address by the moon
And it won't make me jealous if I learn that they've sweetened your night
We weren't lovers like that, and besides it would still be alright
We weren't lovers like that, and besides it would still be alright

even only reading the lyrics to "sisters of mercy" gives me the shivers! what a great song.

listening to david byrne, which is just a distraction from updating the journal. and the latter is just a distraction from searching a drum sample for "was one" which i have decided to record this week-end. and the latter is just a distraction from working on the thesis.

I loved you in the morning
Our kisses deep and warm,
Your head upon the pillow
Like a sleepy golden strom.
Yes, many loved before us
I know that we are not new,
In city and in forest
They smiled like me and you,
But now itís come to distances
And both of us must try,
Your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, thatís no way to say goodbye.

Iím not looking for another
As I wander in my time,
Walk me to the corner
Our steps will always rhyme,
You know my love goes with you
As your love stays with me,
Itís just the way it changes
Like the shoreline and the sea,
But letís not talk of love or chains
And things we canít untie,
Your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, thatís no way to say goodbye.

wow great! what a succes:. i just went to the café to work a little but first of all when i started to read grosz on deleuze and guattari there were so many passages that i had to underline that i can as well simply copy the entire chapter. *SIGH* she calls deleuze's ideas "counter intuitive" :o) quite an euphemism for 'fucking abstract' i think. the other reason i couldn't work was the couple opposite that was sitting on the sofa, smooching and kissing and caressing until it made me SICK! i don't want to see people who are in love. period! a quarter to four. sun bright as can be. it'll be a beautiful evening today. i wonder where you are, and with whom. wish i were there as well. life sucks.
[later]
started to record "was one". it's funny how songs develop into directions that are not really planned. they sort of grow without control. i mean it's not that i have a kind of a sound in my head and then i sit down and try to get as close to this ideal as possible. as a matter of fact i start with a sonic blank screen, and whatever happens is appreciated! so now i've sampled the drums from paul simon's "the obvious child" and i've added a little guitar. maybe i'll also tape some keyboard tomorrow. also i still need some kind of bass instrument. thought about writing a classified: "musician wanted", but the wording is rather difficult. it's hard to write something that makes people curious but also expresses exactly what i am looking for.

it's been a bloody stupid day, baby. i'm tired. it's 23:49 and my eyes are aching. i'm glad when the week-end is over. i'm missing my home. or the feeling of being home. yes, that's it. maybe that was why spending the easter holidays at my parent's place was so frustrating: because i didn't have the feeling of being 'home' in bielefeld as well. and i don't have it here. the trouble is that it's not a geographical emotion. it's not the matter of *where* one is. i am *this* close to picking up the phone. but what if a male voice answers? i wish paula was here. i wish i would have a room mate. or at least a cat.

[april 3, 2005 - look the way you're going you don't even know what you're doing...]
just realized that i've used the exact quotation yesterday already... the evening sun is shining in red and golden waves into my room and they wash against my heart and i wonder how it can feel so heavy when it's hollow like that? i'm listening to david byrne's uh-oh. he has this sense of hysterical madness that i can relate to very well. waited all day long for a call from x. instead the princess called: she went out with a friend yesterday and in a night club they met her. the situation must have been pretty awkward. she was there with a colleague from work. the princess also told me that a friend of her called her and told her that there's this web-page on which she appears under the name of princess superstar! "what if people recognize me on the street?" she asked me - which i thought was cute - and i could calm her down and told her that it's not that half of cologne would read my online journal :o)

more bad mood today. but i recorded a new version of "was one" which you can download here or on the 200 lurkers website.

[april 8, 2005 - happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear ceeeddrriicc, happy birthday to you!]
well, a lot of things have happened. thomas has bought a new powerbook in the states which he will bring when he's coming back this week-end. and he said that he wants to keep the old ibook, so *i* will probably get the new powerbook. YEAHHH! although i'm feeling quite uncomfortable fooling around with such an expensive high tech tool that can be stolen this easily. well, we'll see!

earlier this week i was in town with princess superstar - who is my style counselor. we bought new clothes for me and i spent more money than i have ever spent in my entire life on clothes. bye bye summer holidays! and it's not that i've got 50 new pieces now! only three t-shirts, a jeans and a jacket. but the jeans alone was 140 Ä. which is absurd, bizarre, crazy and i have no idea how the princess talked me into it. usually the maximum amount of money i'm willing to pay for a pair of pants is 100 Ä. when i told thomas about my new purchases and i revealed the horrendous price of the jeans he said: "diesel, isn't' it?! it's a diesel jeans!" and i said "right, how on earth did you know!?" "i know, i know! i don't understand what women have with diesel" "me neither! and the store was just awful! all the shop assistants were fatzken!" "i know, i know that store! i would have refused to buy it!"

worked a little on the thesis: read articles and extracted quotations. my entire theory chapter is just a patchwork of quotations swen together by occasional, paratactic sentences from me such as: "as Grosz claims" or "Colebrook states that" or "In contrast to Butler, Deleuze thinks that". it's a little frustrating and i'm not quite sure whther the text works at all. i will present it in the first colloquium session in two weeks and hopefully get some constructive criticism. [:o) see, there's a pun in 'constructive criticism', because butler is a constructivist and deleuze is a materialist... oh well]

i went to the gym today! eah, i know: it's the least likely thing you'd expect me to do! i don't know what went into me but i decided to start working out. this is a big step because usually i don't do any sports. and i feel pretty uncomfortable to be in a room full of sweaty people who are either better looking than me or have more muscles or both. but it felt okay. i only did the bike and the stepper, but it was fun. when i was running home (the gym is a five minutes run from where i live) i was listening to my mp3 player and david byrne sang "now i'm your mom" and it was so great and i knew that writing songs and singing, that making music was SOOOOOOO much better than any gym or workout in this world. you want to know the meaning of life. i have found it: writing songs. period. it's a dirty business, but somebody's got to do it. "now i'm your mom" is simply brilliant! pure endorphin tsunami:

Y.O.U....K.N.O.W....I.'.M....M.A.N....E.N.O.U.G.H
A.I.N.'.T....G.O.I.N.G....T.O....R.U.N....A.N.D....H.I.D.E
M.Y....L.O.V.E....I.S....M.I.G.H.T.Y....T.O.U.G.H
M.Y....L.O.V.E....I.S....M.I.G.H.T.Y....W.I.L.D
I....G.O.T....A....P.A.I.R....O.F....W.I.N.G.S
A.N.D....I.'.M....G.O.N.N.A....F.L.Y....A.W.A.Y
T.O.O....L.A.T.E....T.O....T.U.R.N....B.A.C.K....N.O.W
T.O.M.O.R.R.O.W....C.A.M.E....T.O.D.A.Y....F.O.R....M.E
gonna meet with princess superstar now to have a beer. a kölsch, in fact :o)
[april 9, 2005 - now and then i get horny...]
saturday morning, sun and david byrne's music are mixing in my room. i have cleaned the apartment and was shopping. this afternoon i have two more hours of gym. you know what: i should have started with this ten years earlier. it would have given me a completely different feeling about myself. of course the danger is that i'm spending too much time on the stepper and not enough on the thesis. the time on the stepper is 'easier' because you don't have to go through the fucking painful labor of giving birth to one sentence in an hour which is then, on top of that, crap and not worth the paper it's printed on. and gym-time is something that will fake the feeling of gratification: it will make me feel that i've accomplished something. which is of course not true, because 'to accomplish' can only be measured in pages of my thesis and not in new songs or miles ran on the stepper. anyway, we'll see how it goes.

so, i've rediscovered david byrne. yesterday it was uh oh, and i still remember when cedric gave it to me and he said: "i think it's a pretty good record!". i only listened to it once and didn't really like it, so i put it away, and it was only during the last week that i realized that cedric had been right in the first place. today i'm listening to byrne's rei momo. i really like the blend of melodies, brazilian rhythms, brilliant ironic lyrics and manic madness. my favorite moment on the record: already in the very first song, "independence day", after the bridge when the last chorus sets in with the backing voices

this compass points in two directions
and north and south are both the same
we look forward to the good times
come on independence day
hey lady, you make me giggle shiver
we squiggle like honeymooners do
i'm struck by lightning
it's frightening
so exciting on independence day!
so i danced a little through the apartment today. did i already tell you that a waterpipe bursted in my bathroom wall? so yesterday some guy was there to fix it, and he had to open half of the wall and made a bloody mess. also i keep spending money like a maniac: i downloaded some seinfeld episodes from the net, but my computer refuses to play them. so i oredered a dvd player from amazon. i don't have a stand alond dvd player yet, and i reckoned that 49 euros is not too much to upgrade my technical equipment. when the player arrived yesterday and i connected it to the power socket it didn't work. ARGH! so i have to send it back and wait for a replacement. this really sucks! just my luck. there's probably one broken player in a million, and i get the lucky number.

so now i'm officially single again. which means: if you want to ask me out on a date, write me a mail. the address is on the start page.

i really, really have started to love the 200 lurkers version of "was one". of course it's only for the paul simon percussion sample. but still, it's so upbeat and, well, 'groovy' :o) i have to write and record new songs. i have to restructure my life drastically i have decided. i've been wasting way too much time being lazy, watching tv, playing spider solitaire. i think the end of the relationship was a reason to think about my age. i'm almost 33. thirty-three!!!!!!!! i need to start doing all the things i had planned to do. so i figured that i would get up earlier next week, at 6:50 maybe, then go to the gym and after that to work. during the day i have to blacken pages. and in the evening i have to be creative. besides that i need to go out more, find an attractive, intelligent and funny person [it *might* be you! :o)] and maybe i'll try to find a couple of people to make music with. I NEED TWO LIVES!!!!!!

[april 10, 2005 - Now Iím workiní up a sweat! Iím ready now-- Iím ready now--]
spent another two hours at the gym. now i'm feeling all tired and every muscle in my body is aching, even those which i didn't even knew where there. in the afternoon i took an article i wanted to read and went down to the café. met irene there by chance. she once worked for thomas and now she's a teacher and we talked a little. then i read a four page article by deleuze about spinoza. which gave me the shivers. literally! i was sitting there, reading these sentences which i did not even really understand and something came crawling over my skin and the fine hair on my arms pointed up to the sky. maybe this is what intensity is about? when i was working out on the stepper i listened to belle and sebastian and david byrne again and it felt so good because the music gives me these boosts of energy and being able to put this energy to a use is better than just being overwhelmed and filled to the brim with a power you cannot let out. you know what you should do - and i think this is even more effective and affective than using the energy and intensity of the music for profane bodily workout: grab the person you love, hug him or her tightly and then listen to the songs that give you energy and try to let it flow between the two of you. i should have done that in the first place. should have been the first thing to do. but then, i must admit, it's sort of creepy as well :o)

anyway, here's a quotation that i have to copy anyway, so why not type it here

"In short, if we are Spinozists we will not define a thing by its form, nor by its organs and its functions, nor as a substance or a subject. Borrowing terms from the Middle Ages, or from geography, we will define it by longitude and latitude. A body can be anything; it can be an animal, a body of sounds, a mind or an idea; it can be a linguistic corpus, a social body, a collectivity. We call longitude of a body the set of relations of speed and slowness, of motion and rest, between particles that compose it from this point of view, that is, between unformed elements. We call latitude the set of affects that occupy a body at each moment, that is, the intensive states of an anonymous force (force for existing, capacity for being affected). In this way we construct the map of a body. The longitudes and latitudes together constitute Nature, the plane of immanence or consistency, which is always variable and is constantly being altered, composed and recomposed, by individuals and collectives."
i'm really missing the longitude and latitude of a body. for a long time i thought that i had no problem being alone, that i was able to cope with solitude pretty well and that i'm not really someone who appreciates company most of the time. but more and more i'm finding out that this is wrong. as unica zürn writes: "alleine habe ich noch nie etwas zu einem guten ende gebracht." i *do* need people. i'm a better worker when i work on something TOGETHER with someone. i'm more creative when i create something TOGETHER with someone. and i'm simply feeling better when i'm TOGETHER with someone, if it's the right someone.

tomorrow the semester will start again and thomas will be back from the states. he'll be probably at the office at 5:30 in the morning because of the jet lag. my plan is to be at the gym at seven tomorrow morning so i can do something before work. which mean that i'll have to get up at a quarter to seven. which i haven't done in a long time :o). 42 students have enrolled for my seminar which will start on tuesday. it'll be an 'ordinary' introductory course of the type which i have taught a couple of times already.

oh yes, i almost forgot. last year in olomouc at the american studies colloquium they had a kind of cultural progam one evening. and at the beginning of the conference bob, the organizer, asked if we still had suggestions for texts that might be read there. so i mailed him the other day and asked him whether he is searching for texts for this year as well and i asked him whether i could send in some of paula's poems and see whether he thinks that they would fit. and he said: send 'em. :o) so maybe paula's writings will be part of the conference. did i already mention that you can find readings of some of her poems on the [atoms-dust] website?

[april 11, 2005 - sunrise sunrise, looks like morning in your eyes]
well, well. thomas is back! and as usual: it was like he had never been away. but one thing after the next! i got up at 6:45 and went to the gym, worked out for about an hour, got home, took a shower and went to work. of course thomas was already there, and he had the powerbook! now, what we did not consider: the american keyboard does not have any umlaute:ä, ö and ü.

yesterday night i watched "my name is nobody", more or less by mistake. and i realized what a brilliant film this is. it's not one of those stupid terrence hill and bud spencer western but a really clever study about fame, about history and about the american west. and i fell in love with the music by enio moricone. you know, that whistle tune. so i downloaded it today - yes, things have gone that far: i'm falling in love with a late 70s italo western soundtrack - and it's playing now and i'm instantly flipping into a good mood. princess superstar came by to say hello at the office today. also, everybody else was in today. besides thomas there were leyla and bernd, nadine and stephanie and of course blaine and the princess. at one point we were all sitting in the office, discussing lacan's "object a", the pope's funeral and fist fucking [a topic that slavoi zizek had introduced in relation to deleuze and foucault. it's a long story...] and i thought: this is my family.

thomas' lecture on deleuze started today, and as usual it was very inspiring. think i'm going to learn quite a lot this semester. maybe i'll get some new ideas to continue with the thesis. sigh. when i told thomas about my gym aspirations his face brightened and he stretched out his arm: "give me five!" he said. :o) at one point bernd and i were talking about our youth today and how weird it was to see photos from the 70s. and i said that it is even weirder to see photos from the 90s. because the 70s are so long ago and i still was a child back then. but when i see images of me from the 90s, it really shocks me! because in 1996 i was 24 already. how can you lack EVERY sense of style with 24? well, i could. i transferred an old vhs tape to dvd the other week and it was a film of my parents' anniversary and there i was: badly dressed, terrible henna-red hair, gruesome glasses and a strange kind of female 'aura'... i was not quite myself back then!

tomorrow my seminar will start. i'm not really nervous yet. i'm feeling pretty well in fact, which i find a little surprising given the fact that i really was tired and burned out doing sport on friday, saturday, sunday and today. and i haven't had a decent meal in over three weeks. i'm only having a bowl of soup in the evenings. actually i should faint right on the spot :o) i have no idea how my body is managing this, but it does. "I have not been unhappy for ten thousand years | During the day I laugh and during the night I sleep | My favourite cooks prepare my meals | my body cleans and repairs itself | and all my work goes well." this is the last verse of cohen's "I have not lingered in european monasteries".

it's 21:28 and the music makes me feel infinitely delicate and infinitely precious. what a great melody. what a weird sound :o) i wish i could post music here. i wish i could share the feeling with you right now. not when you read this, not when i sleep, but right now. i wish i could understand why this short tune from a b-movie means so much for me right now at this very moment. i don't even think that it stands for anything, it's just there, intense and carefree.

hey! i've just received another request for a 200 lurkers cd and it's from a city in kansas *again*. how strange! of all places in the world!

[april 12, 2005 - lose the cuffs, it's been tough but it's fast improving!]
it's tuesday night and my head hurts! woke up this morning pretty early and couldn't get back to sleep again. had nightmares and i woke up breathing heavily. first i dreamed that x was visiting me in my apartment which looked differently but somehow i knew it was my apartment. and even though she was there she was not because she said: "what a nice room! what a shame that i have to leave!". and then i dreamt that i had given parts of my thesis to thomas and he was scolding and criticizing me and telling me how badly it was written. well, guess what: i made the mistake of telling him about this dream and he made fun of me the entire day. which i *should have* seen coming.

had the first session of my seminar today, which went fine. the students seem to be attentive and nice. if it wasn't so unprofessional i would even say that some look pretty nice :o) paula and i are exchanging mails almost daily now. which is nice. i think it would be great to meet her in person. somehow we ended up talking about sexuality and i wrote: "i really wonder how much love, and making love, has to do with male and/or female bodies. i have this fantasy that it wouldn't have mattered if x. had been a man, too. or if i had been a woman, too. in my distorted and hopelessly romanticized memories what had been so intense did not necessarily depend on primary sexual organs but more on the feeling of body on body, on warmth and heat, and on smell. and i think if i had meet a guy and he would have smelled and felt like x. i would have found a way to make love to him. and if i had had a woman's body i, too, would have found a way to make love to her. as one of cohen's characters says: 'all flesh can come!'" paula told me that she once had a friend with whom she got drunk and then discussed kafka, nietzsche and deleuze.

time goes by way too fast now that thomas is back and the seminars have started. today an unusually big number of people came to my office hours and wanted to talk about term papers. which is nice. i like giving advice to people, helping them to find a topic and structuring their work. all the things i cannot do for myself :o)

i don't know. i feel strange. listening to "my name is nobody" on repeat. this alone is weird (and in fact when thomas came storming into my office today and the song was playing on repeat he said to me: "no wonder that every girl is leaving you when you're constantly looping songs!") but i somehow feel happy, or at least light hearted. which instantly makes me sad again because when i'm feeling this way i want to share it and then i realize that i'm alone. then the flute starts again and i feel happy, realize that this happiness is a solitary one and become slightly sad again and so on.

received another set of answers today. it's number 47! so we're approaching no 50 rapidly!

[april 13, 2005 - straps and bruises, if i lose, i follow you blind]
there are two things in the world which leave you stale and hollow: doing a gig and loveless sex. and yet all one wants is sex and singing. feel sad and sorry tonight. seems like this is some sort of after-shock. picking up the phone. putting it down again. picking up the phone, putting it down again. "empty and hollow- an instrument of grace". tonight is the night of the living dead and they bring self-pity galore. i did a stupid thing which i will not intend to tell you about, because it ... oh well, bloody hell. i wish i had your smell in a bottle. i wish i had your smell in a bottle. i wish i had your smell in a bottle. i'm missing you and the feeling that things are right. that things are how they're supposed to be. i'm missing rob, and somebody and x.. i'm so utterly stupid. i thought that i was free now and that i could do whatever i wanted and that i could fool around but, hell!, i'm not free. no new messages on server. tzhg 56jh etzotui ,k.tuik etzj 56 57tezjz67 67iu 9ßruk '+#q z zjetz56775jtz mfghwt     q43567 mmn. kkk tzu4eru e47eudsghqtuiumdgh hg kfjkukzu gtrhrtgrtgergbzurthswhthtzwb hzjtzj656j.
got yet another set of answers today. it's no. 48. talked to the princess on the phone. she said doing this online journal was sick. and that i should stop it and talk to *real* people instead. and that i will find a girlfriend. another girlfriend. a new girlfriend. i don't bloody care! i only want that the hurting stops. and the disappointment. the disappointment with my life, with my work, with my music, with my relationships. i can't deal with people in love because it shows me what i've lost. i don't go to concerts anymore because i'm standing like a kid pressing its nose against the windowpane of a candy store. i hate thomas' lectures and articles because they're so fucking brilliant and i will never get there. i will never get there. this is the predominate feeling tonight. i will never get to where it feels like home. 'when all i ever wanted / was just to come in from the cold'. i'm sorry, i shouldn't be whining like this. i felt strong the last couple of weeks, but i don't feel strong anymore tonight. a couple of weeks ago i wrote: i dread the time when i realize what i've lost. now it's coming all back, ghosts rising out of the carpet, friends and lovers and missed chances. and instead of looking in front of me i'm only looking back, feeling stupidly sorry for.. i don't know. blah. maybe this is really sick. maybe i just have to wait. maybe it's just around the corner. maybe maybe maybe i don't know, i only want one thing and it's just like suzanne said: "hold me like a baby / that will not fall asleep / curl me up inside you / and let me hear you through the heat" i'm an idiot. i only want that this life stops just for a minute just for a minute and that i can take a deep breath, and relax, and shake my arms and legs and keep the fucking spikes from stinging inside, just a moment of peace. head resting in two hands. it's been a bloody stupid day, baby. i only want these two hands and a voice, a deep leonard cohen voice, that says: everything will be fine.
[april 14, 2005 - everything is temporary anyway / when the streets are wet / the colors slip into the sky / but i don't know why that means you and i oh that means you and / i quit, i give up / nothing's good enough for anybody else / it seems / and being alone is the / is the best way to be / when i'm by myself it's the best way to be / when i'm all alone it's the best way to be / when i'm by myself nobody else can say good-bye!]
wow! got ANOTHER set of answers :o) no. 49. sitting in the office. my shoulders ache. tried to prepare the seminar but then thomas came storming in and suddenly there were a thousand things to do. so now it's one o'clock and he is giving his seminar and after that there are 56 students to see him in his office hours. which means that he will be busy for a looong time and i might actually manage to prepare next week's session. i really like my new pair of pants :o) princess superstar did a brilliant job picking them even though they were so expensive. did i mention that i received a new dvd player because the one that amazon had sent me didn't work? well, the new one works. but since i don't have a working remote control for my tv set i cannot adjust the proper input channel and i cannot watch any dvds. so actually i would have to buy a new tv set now :o) sometimes my life is like a seinfeld episode. need to work now.
[later, 23:00]
more gym time tonight. while listebing to the mp3s i came across many lines that i thought i wanted to quote. beginning rom k's choice's "i'm willing to go on but not alone not now i'm willing to go on but not alone not now!" to morrissey's "so if i see you and i tell you how i've watched you don't make fun of me later cause i'm just lost!" but the decided to on radiohead's "one day | i am goingtogrow wings | a chemical reaCtion | hysterical&useless | hysterical and letdown and hanging around | crushed liKe a bug in the ground | let down and hanGING around | you know | you know where you are with | you know where you are with | floor collapses floating bouncing back and one day < i am goingtogrow wings | a chemical reaCtion a chemical reaCtion achemicalreaCtion!"
[april 15, 2005 - why deny the obvious child?]
paul simon's "obvious child" on repeat. he would certainly be my pick for "most underrated songwriter of the century". i'm at work, preparing next week's session. had a disquieting conversation with blane, konni and thomas an hour ago. it was about writing and about work and thomas said (not addressed directly to me) "you can always write. i was gone for ten weeks. if you work five hours a day it's easy to fill 60 pages!" ad i said: "it's not" and i didn't know how to explain it but i cannot always write. sometimes i'm sitting in front of the pc for two hours and i cannot write a single sentence. i wouldn't go so far to say that it has something to do with inspiration, but sometimes my mind is simply blank. i have no idea. i do not know what i want to say. that's my problem. i have nothing to say. thomas has a thousand ideas and he's writing 23 articles a week. but i don't know what to say. i don't have anything to say about literature, about art, about philosophy. why deny the obvious child? i enjoy texts, i enjoy music but i don't have anything to say about it. "I've been waking up at sunrise I've been following the light across my room I watch the night receive the room of my day Some people say the sky is just the sky But I say Why deny the obvious child?" i cannot sit down and force myself to put down intelligible and intelligent things. that's not the way i function and this is pretty bad. and it worries and troubles me because it questions everything i'm doing at the moment and everything that i have decided for. i'll turn 33 this year and i should have decided eventually what it is that i want to do. chances to get a new job when you're 33 are getting slimmer and slimmer
[april 16, 2005 - my love is as sharp | as a needle in your eye | you must be such a fool | to pass me by]
week-end. paula sent some cute photos of herself. listening to morrissey, which i haven't done in a long time. he's good to sing along to. and singing feels good. whenever i've been in a situation like this one [defined by an unspecified longing for a yet unknown person with simultaneous lack of any such a person] i feel like singing. i feel like i would just love to get somewhere, step on a table and sing. it's like this singing voice would give away something that is more 'me' than just my words or my face. the voice is so much more: it is *what* you think, but also *how* you sing. it's discursive and bodily at the same time. the breath, the timbre, the 'grain' [wish i had any!], it expresses an emotion, a preference, a choice of words and a corporeality. it's like me in a nutshell. it's like all there is to know about me. it's like all you *need* to know. but you cannot just walk up to an attractive, tall woman in the subway station, tip on her shoulder and then sing "wish i had the charms / to attract the one i love / but you see, i've got no charm".
[later]
went to the gym. went shopping. cleaned the corridor, it was my turn again. thought about "seasick, yet still docked" and that it has always been one of my favorite songs by morrissey, even though the lyrics are so hopelessly overfilled with pathos. but 'my love is as sharp as a needle in your eye. you must be such a fool to pass me by' is simply brilliant. and the rest of the lyrics is simply true, i mean, that's the way you feel sometimes: 'i am a poor, freezingly cold soul, so far from where i intended to go'. i can sign *that*.

so i got out my guitar and instead of preparing next week's session i recorded a 200 lurkers cover-version of morrissey's "seasick, yet still docked". it's very stripped down: just guitar and voice. now, i don't know what a true morrissey fan would say, but i like it :o) of course it's always difficult to cover songs that are perfect already.

achim came by yesterday and we worked on connecting the powerbook to the intranet of the university. he'll also come on monday and we will hopefully finish transferring the ibook files to the powerbook. then thomas will get the powerbook and i inherit the ibook. which is cool. the powerbook was too stylish and new for me anyway. i would have been paranoiac about every scratch on it. i'm tired. feel like i'm getting sick, my throat is itching and i keep coughing. mildly, yet. anyway, good night. comments on the morrissey cover are appreciated.

...

i don't know: things happen. and then they stop. other things keep standing still, even though i'm moving. and even though i'm moving, i keep still, with that same view onto the parking lot of the gym which only changes when some cars are moved away and other come to stand still. the things i want to lose cling to me and accompany me everywhere, the things i want to get to are further away than ever. i don't want to complain. but i do complain, i know. it's late and you see, i've got no charm.

[sunday, april 17, 2004 -
slept until ten thirty. did the laundry. prepared next week's session. went to the gym. when i came back, the water pipe in the apartment upstairs had burst and there was no water for two hours. sat in front of the computer, sweaty and smelling. not a pleasant sight! i think my cold got a bit stronger. keep coughing frequently. listened to "seasick", and i still  like it :o) you know, sometimes you make a song, record it and you think that it's brilliant, that it's the best thing you ever done. and then, the next morning you listen to it again and you think: how on earth could i have ever thought that this way *any* good! it's like getting drunk on a party, ending up with some person you don't really know in bed and then, the next morning, you wake up and you look at her and you think: this is not my beautiful house. this is not my beautiful wife. and you may ask yourself: well, how did i get here? but, as i said, i still like it :o)
talked to princess superstar on the phone wrote to paula and then the day was over.

there was something that i wanted to mention ever since i continued with the journal a week ago. x. has promised me that she wouldn't come visit here anymore. and i trust her. otherwise i would of course not continued writing and i would not have written what i wrote. just wanted to clarify that this. i didn't ask her not to read the journal anymore, she came up with the idea by herself.

[april 20, 2005 - but square cut or pair shaped / these rocks don't lose their shape!]
wednesday night. the cold has gripped me full force. my nose is sore and running and the 'm' in 'mild coughing' has turned upside down into a doubleyou. had some strange moments of bliss on the stepper yesterday night. i was listening to the live version of "headcrash" and it just blew me away! i know, it sounds like masturbation to rave so much about my own song, but it was just so great! :o))) that anything that i have done could be the source of so much energy is still incomprehensible to me :o)

i will spare you all commentaries on the new pope. but that these reactionary old farts elect the most reactionary, smelliest old fart was somewhat predictable :o( well, at least there's a clear 'feindbild' again. don't really know what else to write. i'm frustrated about my dating situation because i *still* haven't gotten any mails from you girls out there asking me for a date! that's a fact! i'm also frustrated about the progress that my thesis makes. i haven't worked on it for two weeks. which sucks and which gives me a bad feeling and frequent fits of panic, which are rather unpleasant, to say the least. the general fear of living is sneaking back into my life through the backdoor.

rediscovered morrissey's song "southpaw". it's great on the stepper and it's great on the train on my way to work. it has kept raining for two days straight and i couldn't get to work by bike but had to take public transport which is slow, crowded and slow, did i mention slow? anyway, the song is over ten minutes and the last five are a sort of improvised sound collage of drums, bass and guitars which flows along like a river or a stream, and in which certain patterns are formed and then dissolved and then formed again. really great. and it has a haunting melody and lyrics:

"You were a boy before you became a man
I don't see the joy
And you ran with your pals in the sun
You turned around and they were gone
Again ...
A sick boy should be treated
So easily defeated
Oh, I just don't understand
So you ran with your pals in the sun
You turned around
You were alone
Again ...
And you ran back to Ma
Which set the pace for the rest of your days
Oh, you ran back to Ma
Which set the pace for the rest of your days
Oh, you ran back to Ma
Which set the pace for the rest of your days
And now, there is something that you should know
There is something that you should know
The girl of your dreams is
Here all alone
Girl of your dreams is
Here all alone
The girl of your dreams is
Sad and all alone
The girl of your dreams is
Here all alone
There is something that you should know
There is something that you should know
Girl of your dreams is
Here all alone
The girl of your dreams is
Sad and is all alone
The girl of your dreams is
Sad and is feeling all alone
Oh, there is something that you should know
Help me, help me, help me ..."
singing along to it while i'm writing this even though my throat hurts and i can hardly breathe. fucking cold! i' bet i won't be able to get any sleep tonight :o( also feeling as if i had a slight fever. 99.9F° :o) [later] still singing along to "southpaw". and if my life was a tv show i'd changed the channel long ago!
even later
"and now, there is something that you should know..." i'm tired. did i mention that i'll go to the hairdresser tomorrow afternoon. just talked to blane on the phone. he's sick as well and didn't come to work oday. just like our secretary who called this morning to tell me that she doesn't feel very well and rather stay home. yawn. i'm tired but not tired, do you know what i mean? my bones ache and my skin hurts and i've got a slight head-ache and my eyes sting but i'm all wound up and unrelaxed. waiting for feedback-form no. 50. think i've got to update the photo-section some time soon. "theories pass. the frog remains." nice chorus, actually. a lot of things pass. i wish they wouldn't. it's already over a month ago. i'm tired.
[april 21, 2005 - and i've never felt so alive / in the whole of my life / free yourself / be yourself / come to the Palms and see yourself / and at last your life begins / at last your life begins...]
wow, busy day. nina, nadine, thomas and i were running around, photocopying, planning the conference and answering student's questions all day long. time went by just like this!

:o) the 50th set of answers has arrived today :o)

[april 22, 2005 - just because i feel you doesn't mean you're here!]
prepare yourself for some pretty bad rambling: i'm worn out and drunk! what a day. one of these rare days that are markers in one's life. days that are exceptional, more exceptional than all other days are anyways. now that i've called every single person that i know to let them listen to the silence in my room. it's 22:21, i've just returned from the gym where i spent 45 minutes on the stepper sweating like a pig. it's been a busy day at work. we met with prof. f. to plan the second deleuze conference this summer. and after that thomas, nina, nadine, stefanie and i where whirling around the office, each of us working on two tasks, three mails and four phonecalls at the same time, organizing, planning, lay outing, ordering and every other minute one of us would throw his or her hands in the air and shout "all quiet please! can i write this: 'dear speakers...'?" it was great. it was like a machine that had suddenly started to work and you didn't know what the actual result would be but it was not important anyway because the only important thing was the smooth running of the machine.

you know: i've felt my pulse vibrating like a mad bug on the outer layers of my skin while listening to björk's "hyperballad", gene's "olympian" and 200 lurkers' "headcrash". radiohead's "let down", paul simon's "the cool, cool river" and suzanne's "pilgrimage" give me moments which are so powerful and overwhelming that i don't care if i live or die. i've experienced moments in which a crowd of people is standing in front of me with their eyes closed, singing along to songs that i wrote, i've had the person i admire most remember my face and name and worry about my well being. i have played songs that i wrote to people i know and they started to cry. i've had people i don't know read what i've written and they started to cry. i've teachers whose wisdom make my skin brittle and my head crack up. i've a friend whose words and voice send shivers down my spine and make *me* cry. i've had the most beautiful and smartest woman, i've had the handsomest and cutest man - i've had people who i never thought would care to give themselves to a freak like me. but they did. i should be the happiest man in the world. maybe i am. and maybe that's why i'm missing you so tonight that my nose starts to bleed. i'm missing you so!! :o(

".H.E.L.P...M.E.!...B.E.C.A.U.S.E...I...C.A.N.'.T...S.T.O.P...B.E.I.N.G...O.V.E.R.J.O.Y.E.D.!."

my heart became a bone | my mind left me alone | everything is at its place except for you | from the broken lines in space | i can tell that it's not just the sun | but your face that curves the room as well.

[saturday april 23, 2005 - i'll be the first to praise the sun / the first to praise the moon]
the university's mail server is being upgraded today so there's no mail traffic possible all day long. feel cut off from the world. it's a beautiful day: sun and light wind, quiet streets and friendly people. went to the gym this morning and i've just returned. had a terrible nightmare tonight: i was in olomouc at the american studies conference and i was looking through the program and suddenly i realized that i would have to give a talk the next day. which i hadn't prepared yet. so i had to get back to the place where we stayed and work on the paper the whole night. thank god it was only a dream.

yesterday the first british edition of cohen's flowers for hitler which i had bought on ebay for 3,50 (!!) arrived. a beautiful addition to my little cohen collection :o) "i wish i was a nomad, an indian or a saint" the indigo girls are singing almost jubilatingly. tonight princess superstar will take me to a party of a teacher-friend of hers. and after that we will have a beer in the südstadt.

[later - and sometimes i think of her / when she is fucking you]
it's 1:30 and i've just returned. can't go to bed now because when i close my eyes everything begins to turn and i get sick. i am *this* close to losing me dignity. i am *that* close to making regrettable phone calls. LIFE SUCKS! told princess superstar everything. my heart beacme a bone, my mind left me alone. everything is at its place except for you. wjwshmj 2450 &(,.qfe qleqüß +ßq´+134t #q    014 nr0jgj n 5p1ä34ngwevymfq 0501ü qäpglekq3ß4945 jgwoörtgp59z8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[april 24, 2005 - now what would you have me do? / i ask you please! / i wait to hear]
princess superstar is using lou reed's "dirty blvd" in class tomorrow :o) she finally *does* develop a taste for music ;o) not much to report. went to the gym this afternoon and i was sweating my ass off. worked a little bit on the thesis. i've got to prepare a provisionally text by tomorrow because it will be up for discussion in the next colloquium session. it was a beautiful day. lots of sun. then in the afternoon: rain. still have to write a couple of mails today, which i will do now. "the princess is cute" paula wrote in her last mail. i had sent her a couple of pictures from cologne and princess superstar was on one of them. "and now we're playing 'soap & water' by request...soap & water | hang my heart on a line | scour it down in a wind of sand | bleach it clean to a vinegar shine"  sometimes i think that something, some force, has sent these people to me to touch me. like a gift from someone. it's so unlikely that they would team up with me otherwise. and yet i'm sitting here alone, on a sunday night, the warm, moist air which is fresh from the rain is coming through the open window and suzanne is singing "song in red and gray" on repeat and mike's bass sounds as if the tones were made of pearls. i'm missing someone. i think it's not x anymore. or maybe it is. i don't know anything about her anymore. i can't recall her voice. i can't recall how she smelled. people leave so quickly and completely. i'm cold.
[APRIL 20something, 2005 - i quit i give upo nothing's good enough for anybody else]
monday night. sitting pretty drunk in the subway station. sirka & blane with whom i went haviung a beer didn't belive me.. well, blane did. sirka didn't. which felt strange. she said it was just another fiction. maybe it is. listening to eddie brickel's "circle of freinds" on repeat. i'm close to where she lives and i could go by her house and ring her door bell and say hi. i'm writing over paula's poem. don't have any other sheet of paper with me. "as if the rain were't making pieces of me disappear" is one line. it keept raining all day long today. it was pirung. strings of water. "when the streets are wet / the colors slip into the sky/ oh i don't know why / that means you and i / oh that means you and i!" feeling like the only person one arth. when i'm all alone it's the best way to be / when i'm by myself nobody else can say: goodbye! i'm missing you. really. badly. i quit i give up nothing's good enough for anybody else it seems. pressing paula's words to my heart. deep breathig. i'm cold. everything is temporary, anyway! fuck. fuck. fuck. need to sleep badly now!
[april 26, 2005 - did you learn how to swim? did you learn how to move? call me easy, say i'm strong, love me may way, it ain't wrong!]
busy day. the seminar went okay. office hours were interesting as well. a student was looking for some help because she's writing her m.a. thesis about the internet and 'rhizome'. finally i thought that i could be of some help. when i got home this evening i fell asleep in front of the tv. when i woke up again at half past eight i went to the gym. started to adopt thomas' habit of reading seminar papers on the stepper. i'm more and more 'becoming thomas', only that i'm 'becoming' the wrong way, via mimesis and resemblance, which is, of course, not the point of 'becoming'. a real 'becoming thomas' would mean to develop his kind of intensity. which i am simply not psychotic enough for :o)

many, many mails to and from paula. some of the thinks we've been talking about really got me thinking. i wrote:

you know, the weird thing about the whole situation was that y (that's the name) is so similar to x.. i mean: x was a perfect ten. she was intelligent, and her looks were just breathtaking. she could have been together with *ANY*body she wanted. but she chose me. at least for some months. i never understood why, it was like a miracle. and i felt the same way about y: five years younger than me, greatest and sexiest body i have ever seen and a very cute smile. y could have met *ANY*body as well and i didn't understand why y picked me. and i still don't get why these beautiful people care to touch me, to kiss me. i don't get it. honestly. sometimes i think that something, some force, has sent these people to me to touch me. like a gift from someone, a gift for some months or just one night. it's so unlikely that they would team up with me otherwise, these two small miracles in my life.
and paula answered:
that makes me sad: that i'm not a perfect ten to you. that i couldn't capture your heart and body like x and y. these beautiful people care to touch you, to kiss you because you have the stars of the darkest night in your body and the diamonds of the deepest ocean in your mind.
and i answered:
no, you are not a perfect ten to me. because 'perfect ten' is something very superficial, something that relates only to the demands of society, something that simply repeats arbitrary ideas of beauty and health. you are not a small miracle like x or y. you are my big miracle, paula. you are still there, after all this time, and you will still be there when any thoughts about y or x have long gone. the beauty that you've planted into my life will grow and flower for ever, continuously. it's not a once-in-a-lifetime bonfire, it's a steady, burning force that enriches me on a much profounder level.

sometimes i think that people like x and y cared for me because i carry within my heart and within my eyes all the beauty and grace of your poems, of suzanne's songs, of leonard's novels and all the affection of friends like you, princess superstar and blane. maybe the shivers that run down my spine when i read your texts, the waves of energy that i feel when i listen to songs, the good headache that i get when i follow thomas' teaching, maybe they *do* leave their marks on my body. not like these ideals of beauty imposed by society which write themselves onto the skin- and the muscle-surface, but they couple with my body on some deeper, microscopic level of intensity and make it shine in ways i will never understand. i think they do. i think i *do* shine. in the dark, under the covers, when the lights are out, i can turn my arms and hands in front of my face and i can see them burn, softly glowing, a fluorescent, warm pulse.

it's 23:45 and i think that i'm not being fair to call x. a *small* miracle. i know this, and you know this as well. it's only my bitterness. think i better get to sleep now. life is bloody confusing. there's this line by paula that's spooking through my head: "help me! because i can't stop being overjoyed!" all i want to write now i would regret later. so i better say good night.
[april 27, 2005 -
what a day. we had a staff meeting and most of the day consisted of conference organization, lay out of the program, and term paper corrections. it's 21:09 and i think that i'm mad because i feel the wish to drive down to the gym. i must be mad. since i work out i can't sleep anymore like i used to. usually i can sleep for nine or ten hours straight. but now i'm waking up after six a half or seven and i can't get to sleep again. weird.

lots of sun today and the 51st set of answers to the feedback form has arrived :o) keep them coming!

trying to keep myself busy. mild fits of panic or all sorts of reasons: my empty heart and the future prospects at the university manage to knock my feet off the ground every other day. we've been planning what we're going to do next wednesday when we're all going to meet to have a little farewell party for achim and princess superstar.

[later]
22:59. just returned from the gym. of course the lines to every single song i listened to seemed to be perfect and need to be quoted. from kate bush's "i still dream / of organon / i wake up crying / you're making rain / and you're just in reach / when you and sleep escaped me / you're like my yoyo / that glowed in the dark / what made it special / made it dangerous / so i bury it / and forget" to lotion's "put your troubles behind you / put your love in my hands" to the entire "fugitive" by indigo girls:
I'm harboring a fugitive a defector of a kind
He lives in my soul drinks of my wine
And I'd give my last breath to keep us alive
Are they coming for us with cameras or guns
We don't know which but we gotta run
You say this is not what I bargained for
So hide yourself for me
All for me

We swore to ourselves we'd go to the end of the world
But you got caught up in the whirl and the twirl of it all
A day in the sun dancing alone
Baby I'm so sorry now
Now it's coming to you the lessons I've learned
Won't do you any good you've got to get burned
The curse and the blessing they're one in the same
Baby it's all such a treacherous gain
Hide yourself from me
I said hide yourself from me
All for me

I stood without clothes danced in the sand
I was aching with freedom kissing the damned
I said remember this as how it should be
Baby I said it's all in our hands
Got to learn to respect what we don't understand
We are fortunate ones fortunate ones I swear
So hide yourself for me
I will hide myself for you
All for you

and then, when the stepper announced the 'cool down' phase and i started to slow down, laurie anderson's "life on a string" started and came upon me like an epiphany:
A summer night the hot the heat | Sit at my desk fluorescent light
Drawing a picture of a perfect moment | I saw it once on a grand avenue
That stretched into the distance | And you and I were walking there
Lost in the moment
Life on a string
Some people know exactly where they're going | The pilgrims to Mecca
The climbers to the mountain top | But me, I'm just looking
For just a single moment | So I can slip through time
Life on a string.
i know, you're skipping these texts and you think they're not important, but they are! they are! they are all i want to say. skip my crap, but read the lyrics!
[april 28, 2005 - love is a better word / love is the only word / that you understand]
it's half past six, i've just returned from work. it was a busy but fun day at the office. we have continued designing the program for the conference and i think it will turn out to be as good as the last one. we still have to do the posters, though. had fun with thomas and nadine. actually princess superstar wanted to come over as well, but she couldn't make it in the afternoon. shortly before i drove home i called her and ask her whether she'd like to meet with me tonight for an ice cream (because it has been sunny and warm all day long) but she said: "i can't. i'm going to meet x. in an hour because she wanted to give me some stuff that she still has of you..." so, there you go. picture my mood for yourself :o)

on saturday i have to be supervising the written exams in the morning. :o( which means four hours of boring sitting-around. wasted time, basically. my apartment is a mess! i need to do the laundry and the dishes and it's all dusty and dirty. think i will do an extensive house-cleaning day this week-end. also i still have to prepare the seminar. the next session will be on drama, my least favorite topic.

guess it's not the best day today. even though it shouldn't hurt it did. maybe because the knowledge that there was *some*thing to exchange (even if it wasn't any feelings or emotions but only things) gave me some hope. so tomorrow i will meet the princess and she will give me my things. and i catch myself hoping that the bag she will be giving me contains a message from x.. i'm a hopeless case, or rather: i'm not, unfortunately. "i rock for you only you to hold me tight".

[later]
"did you learn how to swim? did you learn how to move?" zrnj,m874ij jdrlkjk8 77zrlevqäcv 034i vihbiwrej brbh49933 gdhr7 dmwk1 22ue0 nrhd7 ßß´heeri 8. jfhh5 66 mmjdegqwu, kdp 0985 rjjsf juosdf oi8oi. packed her things into a bag as well. or rather: took the bag i'd been hiding for weeks now from out of the drawer. karv88045. lkn -llfji 054 fuas9nv- gonna take it to work tomorrow to give it to the princess. "did you learn how swim? did you learn how to move? sea of time!" i fsf9 jqdd rtw 2243 %tgff GHU76z , jfq wqur püüd +#e956 xnsafw rlsvn9524m5f  ß´r wlrejv "take it easy, take it easy now!" fjmn77 asdof=kjf öao #+en  bb asdl . werij ao0 por 2oagv ka985 did you did you learn now did you learn how to swim did you learn how to move muddy water here i come i wanna huh! i wanna drown. sea of time! call me easy, say i'm strong love me my way, it ain't wrong! it ain't wrong, no! iubv 293vnwijkk p9 ßp9 kbnlfammva0  iasfjbalkbv WWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[april 29, 2005 - tell me we both matter, don't we?]
just returned from meeting with princess superstar. she handed me my things from x.. no note. no letter. no additional things except for 'my things'. which is fair enough. felt strangt. trist und öde. am a little sad now. sad and tired. we had some dinner and then a coffee and we managed not to talk about x. at all, which was good and thoughtful. "it doesn't hurt me | do you want to feel how it feels | do you want to know, know that it doesn't hurt me | do you want to hear about the deal that i'm making | you, you and me" kate bush on the subway. "tell me we both matter, don't we?"
[later, after the gym and after the shower]
when i drove home - out of breath and kate bush's "breathing" still echoing in my ears - i realized that i felt like going out tonight. only i can't because i have to supervise the written exams tomorrow morning for four hours. but i knew and know that i want to go out tomorrow night. on a beer, a good conversation or dancing. but then i thought: "wait a minute: everybody you know will be together with his or her partner tomorrow night: you know only couples!" so there's no one i can ask out tomorrow night: blaine's going to the opera with his friend, the princess will probably want to have a quiet evening with her prince. and i think i would feel stupid to go out by myself, sit alone in some bar, that's pathetic. so here's the deal: if you don't know what to do tomorrow night and you think you might want to go out having a beer and a conversation about whatever topic comes up then why don't you mail me and we can team up: talking about world politics or music television, tasting different kölsch-sorten, checking out women [or men, whatever you prefer], inventing stupid dance moves [optional]. my mailing address is on the start page. i know this looks desperate and pathetic but i don't really care :o)
[april 30, 2005 - did you learn how to swim / did you learn how to move]
i mean, OF COURSE it was only a pose and i never really thought that i *would* get any mails. so why am i pissed now that my expectations were fulfilled ;o) i think i pulled the same trick before (begging for attention and affection via the journal, and it didn't work out either. but i'm not the try and error type. i'm the error and error type)? anyway, here's what i wrote this morning:

i'm sitting in front of 80 students who are writing for their life. the room is crowded, the air is bad and they still have 45 minutes to finish their exam essays. all in all we'll then have been caged in here on a saturday morning for four hours - four boring hours in which i can't really do anything except bore myself to death. i can't work because i have to be attentive all the time, and i can't read for the same reason. plus: there's a very attractive student sitting right in front of me. unfortunately she's caring more for her essay than for me. while she's writing her lips are sometimes forming words unconsciously, which is cute. i like the looks of people who are thinking. i like the expression in their eyes when they've found the right formulation and when a smile hurries across their face because they've had an idea.

the image is sort of arbitrary. it's one of my favorite cartoon figures and very much how i'm feeling today. and how i look like, for that matter. sometimes i wish i had a t-shirt with big, capital letters that quoted paula's line from 'ramblings on day of open hand': "find me! please, oh find me!"

when i returned from the university in the afternoon i went shopping and cleaned the apartment. then nadine called who was on her way from brussels back to bielefeld: she had a one hour stay in cologne so we met for a coffee. which was nice. when i went back home i realized that the city was filled with more obnoxious people than usual on a saturday night. and then it dawned on me that tomorrow is may 1st and that tonight the unfortunate and unholy "tanz in den mai" takes place: dancing into may. eine völkische landeier-veranstaltung für pubertierende und|oder verzweifelte mid-dreissiger. so masses of annoying, drunken people were roaming rowdily through the street bawling " we are the champions". stayed home and wrote to paula then.

realized that x. is still way too much a significant force in my life, if only as a negative matrix. it's like lots of the things i'm doing are reactions to some imaginary x-actions: like "oh, she is going out dancing so i have to go out dancing as well" or "she is meeting new people, so i have to meet new people as well!" or "she has got five new boyfriends at a time so i have to do as well". much of what i do are effects of causes that aren't there any longer. stupid, self-generated fits of panic and blind action. even though she's not there anymore i'm unconsciously acting up to her approval or to a kind of mad competition or revenge. do you know what i mean? i make myself so tired sometimes.

and tired is a good cue. because i need to go to bed now. i got up really early this morning because of the exams and now my head is in danger of crashing onto the keyboard. tomorrow is another month. wonder what it will bring. wish paula was here in person. i will end this month's sad entries with what i won't write. you know it anyway, you know all the images, the metaphors, the tone of self-pity. "we are accidents waiting to happen"