[september 1, 2002]hm, strange dreams. i was standing in front of some sort of community center. it was a flat 70s brick building, short green lawn in front of it, a small pond and a sign that said "no swimming". i walked through the doors and into the building and wandered down the corridors that were narrow and long and i stopped in front of a door that had a cardboard sign pinned to it that said: "LA meeting tonite!" and while i was standing there studying the sign the door opened suddenly and a young man came out of it. through the door i could see that the room was filled with chairs that were arranged in a big circle. there were about 30 young men and a couple of young women there. "oh" the guy coming out of the room said "i'm sorry. you want to join us?" i was surprised that he was talking to me and i said "is this the LA meeting?" and he said "yes, come in, join us..." but i did not know what it all meant and i just wanted to go home and i said "no, actually i'm just sort of looking around..." "oh, it's all right" he said "you don't have to be ashamed. just come on in." and saying this he took my arm and opened the door and said with a loud voice into the room: "i've got somebody who'd like to join us..." and all the heads were turning and starring at me and i felt how their looks were piercing me and pulling me into the circle. so the guy took me inside and he got another chair and pulled it into the circle and the others were making space for me to join them. "welcome to our meeting..." someone - who had an uncanny, disturbing resemblance with one of somebody's old boy friends - nodded at me "we're happy that you've found the strength to make this important step!" affirmative murmur from all sides. "maybe we should start by introducing ourselves briefly. billy, do you want to start?" and he looked at the guy next to him. "sure" he replied and then he stood up and said with a trembling voice "hi, my name is billy..." "hi billy!" the group responded "...and i'm in love with her. i fell for her in kindergarten..." and he sat down again. the guy next to him stood up and said "hi, my name is steve..." "hi, steve!" "...and i'm in love with her. she kissed me in the museum..." and the next one said "jim. i'm in love with her. i'm an astronomer. i've named a star after her..." "mike. i'm in love with her. i saw her in the supermarket and i lost my heart. she smiled at me from over the shampoo bottles..." "mary. i'm in love with her. we went to the same school and she once borrowed a pen from me. i still have it and i carry it with me wherever i go..." and suddenly i understood what this was all about. "tom. i'm in love with her. i'm a gardener. i've named a rose after her..." it was some kind of self-help group! "nick. i'm in love with her. i was a friend of her sister and when i saw her i lost my heart..." these guys were emotional junkies, it was a self-help group for all the people who had fallen in love with her, for all the people who were addicted to her. lovers anonymous. "jane. i'm in love with her. i'm a physician. i've named a cure after her..." "matt" the guy next to me said "i'm in love with her. we were working together. she touched my hair at the christmas party. we had punch and i was standing under the mistletoe so she kissed me..." and when he sat down again everybody was looking at me and i blushed but then i took all my courage and i stood up and my knees were trembling and i said. "hi, my name is philipp..." "hi philipp!" "...and i'm in love with her. we were living together for five years. we were engaged..." and a murmur spread trough the circle like fire or a disease while i was standing there, fingering the ring that i wasn't wearing anymore. "you mean, she actually loved you back?" somebody asked "that lucky bastard!" the girl next to me kept tugging at my sleeves and she was asking me with her eyes wide open: "tell me, tell us: did you...did you see her sleep? did you watch her face while she was dreaming? did you smell her hair? did you touch her cheek? what does it feel like? is it soft? is it sweet?" and suddenly everybody kept shouting questions at me, about her skin, about her voice, about her eyes, about her tears, about her love and i panicked because i couldn't remember and i screamed "i don't know anymore! i don't know anymore!!" and then i was waking up.
weather: rain. lots of rain. mood-o-meter: 0.6. you can't just do this. you can't just write pathetic mails to people who are utterly uninvolved when you're down. that's not the way it works! even if you wish so! FUCK THE GRACE! FORGET THE COOLNESS!! I'M MISSING YOU! I'M MISSING YOU!! I'M MISSING YOU LIKE HELL!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR SAY!! I HAD ALMOST CALLED YOU I HAD ALMOST CALLED YOU!! INSTEAD I SHOULD CALL ME BACK TO REASON! got to stop thinking. badly!
[september 2, 2002]i was sitting in the park, correcting term papers. the sun was shining onto my arms, stinging slightly. good pain. when i had finished the papers i took the zürn novel and while trying to read i realized that my hand was shaking and i couldn't hold the book steady - i was frightened for a moment. this has never happened before.
wrote a long, long mail to undertow this noon and it took me all morning to put it together. i think they're all calling me mr- smartass behind my back, and i couldn't even blame them!
Subject: Re: art part3"you can only fix the value of a work of art if it has an objective, stable value" what a fine example of the high art of arguing! i'm a pinhead sometimes, really! i'm on the train to cologne, trying to make an anagram out of suzyv's line "bleach it clean to a vinegar shine" and it is only now that i realize that the choice of letters might not be the most fortunate. scary signifiers. i suppose you might have guessed by now why. "...und das dritte habt ihr sicherlich selber schon erraten...!"
Date: Mon, 02 Sep 2002 12:53:55 +0200
From: philipp hofmann <philipp.hofmann@uni-koeln.de>
To: undertow@vega.nethi there,
i'm sorry to reply to myself but i felt like commenting on the mail that nenad is quoting, since nobody else did it...
> -----Original Message-----
> From: philipp hofmann <philipp.hofmann@uni-koeln.de>
> To: undertow@vega.net <undertow@vega.net>
> Date: Monday, August 05, 2002 1:38 PM
> Subject: Re: Germans and a poll (was: tset :eR)
>
> >Nenad Gabric wrote:
> >>
> >> all kinds of sick stuff that modern "art" is so full packed off.
> >
> >i think the technical term you're implying would be "entartet"...
> >
> >remember me
> >philippi just wanted to point out that my above comment was meant to be ironic! actually i was a little amazed that nobody reacted to it, since "entartet" is a term that was used in nazi germany for all forms of art that did not fit into the fascist aesthetics of the third reich. it was argued that only a natural, mimetic depiction of beauty and power, of nature and the body was 'real' art and that everything else was sick, unnatural, unworthy and grotesque.
i don't want to revive the 'what is art debate', but i kept thinking about it in the last weeks and in my humble opinion the point is not to say what is art and what is not but to find out why you want to do this in the first place. what is the function of distinguishing between 'art' and 'not-art'? what is the desire to pin down, to fix, to solidify something that is as liquid and floating as aesthetics and ideas?
and i think the basic reasons is an economical one. you can only fix the value of a work of art if it has an objective, stable value. there's no chance of "dealing" with an object that one person considers to be a great piece of art and another person considers to be trash. to enter the economic discourse the object needs to have a fixed exchange value that everybody agrees on. and therefore you have to pin a label to it that determines its value. and i think that the desire to put things into the categories art and non-art is related to this economic process. because it makes it easier to deal with it, to come to terms with it. it's easier to have an 'objective' judgment of what is art than to have to consider whether it is or is not each time you're confronted with a new object.
art is never a singular, isolated event. it needs context: an aesthetic, social and conceptual context. if you think that an object of art should mirror reality than you'd probably think that rembrandt is a great painter. you wouldn't like picasso. if you think that a painting should see the perspective 'behind' the mere copy of our impression than you think that rembrandt is boring and you would favor picasso. and if you're into a theory of abjection than a bucket of vomit can be a piece of art for you. there's no sense in comparing the three since they have different points of departures and are anchored within different contexts.
art is as personal and as subjective as love. sometimes you meet a person and it takes you a long time to find out that you actually love her: you've got to get to know her better, where she is coming from, her history, her tastes, her ideas, her dreams. sometimes you see a piece of art and it will take you a long time to fall in love with it. you first have to find out 'where it is coming from', its purpose [or non-purpose], its theoretical background. many people complain that they do not understand modern art. they say it's to complicated. but those people would never claim that einstein's theory of relativity isn't great physics - although they don't understand it either. why should art not be as complex and complicated as quantum mechanics? maybe it's even more complex and complicated!
sometimes people refer to 'older' pieces of art and say: but look! it doesn't have to be complicated: just look at this beautiful painting by rembrandt! but they do not realize that even this painting is full of hidden codes, full of concepts, full of ideas that they cannot 'read' because you need to have a specific knowledge about aesthetic concepts of dutch painters in the 17th century to understand the structure of the painting, the choice of colors, the techniques used to create the illusion of reality.
we hunger for guidance, for truth and for values that we can hold on to. to create an 'objective' category of art is fueled by this desire: it's reassuring to have a fixed value system that most people agree on. it's comforting. and it might be frightening to consider that this objective system is an illusion, that 'art' and 'non-art' are ideological categories that are made up by art critics and by society and by dealers. accepting this does not deprive you of judging whether you think an object is art or not, but it will always remind you of the subjectiveness and singularity of this decision: you might return to the same object in ten years and you might have changed your opinion. accepting this throws you back to the idea that maybe every fact, every objective value, every truth is just an ideological creation. some art makes you see this. and this is why it might be so frightening and repulsive to some people. because it questions.
just a couple of thoughts that i needed to put down. it has gotten longer than it should be. i'm sorry. back to work.
remember me,
philipp[september 3, 2002]
i'm cold. i'm on the way back to bielefeld. seems like i am on the way most of the time... time goes by so quickly in cologne. need a flat there. blaine's computer had broken down and various people tried in various ways to fix it - without success. he was pretty pissed off! the train is empty, we're almost in bielefeld. it's completely dark outside. and cold. you can feel the cold come through the windows. i'm hungry as well. when i see my reflection in the glass i wish that you would see what i am seeing. why all this metamorphosis? why this change? "why these mountains? why this sky? this long road? this empty room?" there's no physical equivalent to the nonphysical beauty in my life. i shudder. arcs of shivers move over my arm like rainbows. my trousers are too short. my song is too sad. my heart is too? my hunger is too big. my fridge is too empty. rob is too dead. you are too silent. there's too much time to think. she is too much in love. the train is too slow. cologne is too far away. the stars are too many. i'm not burning brightly enough.
[september 4, 2002]
when i got home yesterday
night i fixed dinner (a yummy soup), watched the late night show and fell
asleep at about midnight. and i woke up at eleven this morning. i slept
for almost 11 hours straight! creepy! plan for today: go swimming [the
school holidays are over so the opening hours of the swimming hall are
restricted from 13-18 hours :-(], go shopping and then start working on
the hollow earth! also i'll have to start recording the song for the suzyv
cover project. i might take a shot at 'the rent song'. last week blaine
gave me a couple of cds that had prearranged drum patterns on it, and some
are quite nice. maybe i'll use some of these sounds. also of course there
are five term papers to correct and they'll keep coming in until the end
of the month.
caught another bug in my room. killed her with methods of empirical social analysis. caught myself thinking that when i am going to be "crushed like a bug in the ground" i would wanted it to be with sylvia plath's collected poems. thought hard for a moment suddenly. realized that my wish has already been granted: somebody's new friend did his ma thesis on plath. william [from undertow] wrote and asked whether it would be okay with me if he covered "The All of Nothing" for the suzyv cover project. i really like the idea! wish i had thought of it myself! found some nice additions for the hollow earth chronology. now it has started to rain and there's a thunderstorm in the distance. big drops are drumming onto the windowsill and the rain is floating across the cone of the light from the streetlamp like fog. "far away..." "i'll be gone will you wait for me here?" "how long?..." "i don't know will you wait for me here?" "follow...!" "don't follow me to where i go!" "follow...!" "don't follow me to where i go!"
[september 5, 2002]not a lot to report. went swimming. worked. made a cd for eva with songs i think she might like. blaine's pc is working again. will meet with cedric on saturday: hollow earthing. no news.
6.september 2002
not good not good not good i was just shopiimg and she was standing there first i only saw her from behind her long hair and her shoes and her trousaers and i ran for the exit and i was shaking all over i am shaking now i don't know what to do i sawher face and her hair and her face and npot good not good not good
later
mood-o-meter: 0.01. i wish i had talked to her. i wish i could shot
myself into the sky right now. fuck fuck fuck. i knew that we would probably
meet at some pojn t again. but i had hoped that i would react differently.
i saw her for the first time since the beginning of last december. 10 months.
this is a bad dream tell me that this is a bad dream!!!!!!
fuck i'm getting pissed now
the vital rage can be no lie. can his
love shine in her cat? lace it! a bang
shot in cavecell nine. great ahab!
lacan ate chinese vinegar. hi, bolt
corn bench. i lie. eva sang a hit-tale.
later she lit a chainvice. one bang
in a bee hive. recall: his ant can't go.
angelina chose an art-itch. be! live
closer than an angel. i have bitice.
blaine is a tv hero – he can eat! cling
to the big nailcheese carnival. an
inch in canal street. oh, i gave abel
the bare lane to cain. give in! l.c. has
belt chance. gina is the rain love.
an iron insect gave the call. hi, abe!
i shine to vega. the banal circle: an
innocent, save rage. i bathe a chill.
the heart can close a big, lain vine.
bleach it clean to a vinegar shine.
"und wie man sich bettet so liegt man, es deckt einen keiner zu. und wenn einer tritt, dann bin ich es. und wenn einer fällt dann bist du's" [zürn, im hinterhalt] das blut ist schwarz geworden und wird jetzt bald von selber abblättern bei zu schnellen bewegungen. jetzt bier und baldriantabletten. und dann hoffentlich ruhe im kopf und bauch und schlafen.
blah! it hurts so much. the scene repeating itself: she and her sahopping cart: frist i only see her back and i thionk: that woman looks like her: her hair, her shirt, hewr shoes and then she turns around, reading the shopping lsita nd it is her, taller, havinbg lost weight, more beautiful than ever and YES hit me for that but more beautiful than ever and my head boils, i think SHIT GET OUT OF HERE and i run for my sanity, and my body starts to shake and i can't breath, the woman at the cashier looks at me in a strange way and i throw the things into my bagpack and run away fuckl fuck fuck she is still there, she actually is there in the world and not some phantasy of mine, i had almost convinced myself that i ahd just dreamned her but no SHE IS REALLY THERE fuck fuck fuck and i don't want this oain any longer it's there again like on the first day, she is really, really there fuck! IM TRYING TO GET SOME REST FROM ALL THOSE UNBORN CHiCKEN VOICES IN MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! there are no words other than screams fucking screams!! she crushed into my sugar sweet denial like a bomd: BOOOOMB! brown hair, that i know that i know that i know so well and although she was a sun of familarity shining in front of the butcher's counter she was so far away that it ripped my heart apart there was no chance of getting near even if i talked to her even if i had no way to cross that distance that she chose to instal. fuck. just ten minutes before when i was walking from the swimming hall to the supermarket there was a bling man, abourt my age, walking in fron to me, testing the way with his cane and i was thinking: and YOU are complaining about your life! jesus! get real! there are people who REALLY have problems aND NOT JUST SOME FUCKING screwing wichtigmachende things that you think is your memesis! and then this. and now this. and i am back again, without my irony, without my cynicism, without anything excvept the picture of her slowly turning her head there's no muic loud enough to blast the fucking memory of you out of my fucking head!!!!!!!! did you look happy? i did not had the time to check whether you looked happy? i did not even had the courage to ask you whether you are happy!!!!!!!!! hysrtericval and useless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!transport motorways and tramlines starting and then stopping taling off and landing the emptiest of feelings disappointed people clinging on to BOTTLESA when it comes it's so, so, disappointed LET DOQWN AND HANGING AROUND CRUSHED LIKE A BUG IN THE GROUND LET DOWN AND HANING AROUND!!! dudedudedadadadudedudedadad just like juices flow and i don't go and don't get SENTIMETAL end up treading water i am gonna grow WINGS A CHEMICAL REACTION HYSTRERICAL AND USELESS HYSTERICAL AND USELESS HYSTERICAL AND USELESS HAYTERICAL AND USELESS LET DOWN AND HANGING AROUN!!!!!!!!!! ja ja nja ja j aj ja j aj ja j aj aj aj aja ja aj aja aja aj aja aj aja ja j pasin face heartz hIR SMELL HEART SMAL$EL LET DOWN AND HANGING AROUND LET DOWN LET DOWN LET DIWN ALET DOWN ANMD HANGING!!! absblätteren abblättern abblättern you know you know where you are with you know where you are with floor collapses floating bouncing back and one day i am gonna g row wings a chemoical reaction hysterical and useless DRY YOUR EYES DRY YOUR EYES let down hand paiun pain pian löet down and hanging around!!!"Q do de dedo de de do de de do de d edod de and rob said: oi couldnever play that guitar! rob said: gooodebey andf she daid: i'm gonna think about you a lot in the next days., i can not manage this life. and she says: this is what you get this is what you get this is what you get when you M§ESS with us"! i'm siuck of myself! iot'ds not enough! but we are still on the payroll!
PWE THERE FOR A MINUTE; FOR A minute i lost myself i lost mysölre and everybody else including my vcoice inlcuding my voice!!! yes for a minute i .,ost myself sound so loud that it distorts!!!! ah, aha, aha, myself myself mye´slef aha myself aha m<yself aha myself pew dodeedoodeedodeedodeedodeedodee angelina, do you hear, do you listen? i go foreward you go backwards and somewhere we will meet! i had hoped that it would be different i had hoped that we would meet and look inbto our eyes and then it all falls into place it all would fall into place but nothing of that nothing of that just she shopping for her and him, shopping list, lonmg, brown hair, her green shirt and her beautiful, beautiful face "ONCE ONE HAS SEEN GOD WHAT IS THE REMEDY" everything i thought abnout n. or e. or anybody else collapses into a pea sized nothing when i saw her brown hair! fuck, this is not the tone, this is not the tone!
fuck! this is not what i wanted, this is not what i ahd planned, this
is not what i wanted, this is nothing like i had planned.
[september 7, 2002]headache. tried to force normality into reality. applied at some booking agency for the "meller nacht" - an unplugged festival of some sorts in november. wonder if they will ever answer. this afternoon i'll drive over to cedric's place and we'll discuss some hollow earth problems. i'll stay the night. fuck. when we talked on the phone yesterday night he asked: well, was he with her? and i did not even start thinking about what this was implying. went to bed at half past ten then because the room had started spinning. woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep again, was sick. put on the headphones and blasted catherine wheel into what felt like an empty, aching space between my ears. the undertow is silent. rare situation: no new messages on server this morning. i'll take a shower now and try to eat something then. random zürn quote of the day: "natürlich ist es verzweiflungsvoll, wie die tage vergehen, aber haben sie sich denn wirklich jemals ohne mich gefühlt?" (das weisse mit dem roten punkt, middle of the page 35). not so random belle & sebastion quote of the year: "yeah, you're worth the trouble and you're worth the pain, you're worth the worry i would do the same if we all went back to another time i will love you over i will love you over i will love you..."
[september 8, 2002]it's 4:28 in the morning. i'm at cedric's and dennis and anna have just left. we've spent the evening|night gameing. and still. a stale feeling. sometimes a defiant good mood, a deep breath & onward movement but then, when you get tired, when you're worn out and the strength is used up it returns. i wonder why i can't scream. i could yesterday. i did. i can't scream now. to scream & to end a dream that seems to reinvent itself each time you're waking up. like you're in a russian doll: each time you think that you're escaped and then you realize that there's another glass wall. all i felt for everybody else, all these feelings that had given me hope melted, vaporized, vanished when i saw her and i understood the deep seriousness of what i'm [still] feeling. it's so much more serious than anything else. so much more important. everything else is just kinderkacke.
[later]it's about noon, i'm sitting in cedric's garden letting the sun shine onto me. didn't sleep very well. i suppose i was too tired. tried to tape versions of "the rent song" and "tidal kite" yestreday which did not really convince me. wondering where all this is leading to...
[later]i'm back home. slightly confused. was all day. mood-o-meter: 2.1. the front of my head is lined with lead. wasn't a good conversation partner today. random zürn quote of the day: "die richter haben weise und steinerne gesichter und warten auf die stunde des gerichtes." (das weisse mit dem roten punkt, middle of the page 105).
[september 9, 2002]this journal is a joke. i realize that i'm doing way to much filtering! i've started to censor myself like mad.
i'm sitting on a bench by the pond in the park, five term papers on my lap and sade's 'by your side' on repeat; trying to create the illusion of soothing, comforting structures: soothing lyrics "You think i'd leave your side baby, you know me better than that" soothing rhythm (moderate 4/4), soothing, relaxed melody, and on repeat so it will play forever without change: predictable and save, a blanket of sound wrapped around my shoulders. as predictable as the content of my dream tonight. "and if only you could see into me..."
tomorrow: cologne. it has started to rain. occasional lightning. worked
on the rent song. i have corrected about 10 term papers: four of them did
not pass. now also thunder and laurie anderson: "you can see in the dark
but i've got one thing: i loved you better. send it out watch it rise see
it fall: GRAVITY'S ANGEL" wondering why angelina doesn't write anymore.
maybe i've pissed her off finally. more thunder and lightning that's getting
closer. "look, look, look!" i'm only recording half of what i'm thinking,
half of what i'm feeling. you know, there are just a couple of things that
you cannot write about. i should have never given out the link to people
i know. i should have kept it exclusively anonymous. random zürn quote
of the day: "Er steht im Hintergrund unter den Bäumen"
but there is a storm
blowing
from paradise
and the storm keeps blowing the angel
backwards
into future
and this storm
this storm
is called
progress
more thunder and lightning and it is still raining. it was dark at
half pat eight. summer is over. summer has passed and nothing has happened.
i had hoped that something would have changed by the end of summer. that
was my hope. i look around, and everything is still at its place. "big
changes are coming here they come" unser lied "here
they come". no - they did not. it is still a perfect little world
that doesn't really need me. and that's why my approaching birthday scares
me. i avoid thinking about it. i don't want to be confronted with dates.
just with days: the gleichmässige passing of time. a date means: remembering.
seeing where one is standing. looking back and looking ahead: zwei ausblicke,
vor denen ich lieber meine augen schliessen würde. a fixed date. early
this year i said to myself: "just wait! have faith! just wait! you'll see:
everything will have changed by october 7." a fixed date that will
remind me of the persons i'm not with. not anymore and not yet. in all
these oceans IN ALL THESE OCEANS
[september 10, 2002]the light is surreal, rosy. it would be bright red if there weren't all those dirty rain clouds and it would be gray if there wasn't that glowing sunrise behind them. the sum of it makes the sky look like covered with pigskin and the air like cheap cotton candy with way too much artificial colored flavor.
[later]i'm on the way back home. it's raining. cologne was short. left at half past four already. some people in the office hour, more term papers. met blaine and eva and tina and we went having lunch in the cafeteria. angelina wrote. got to get my hands on that new laurie anderson cd. i'm very unhappy with that 'the rent song' cover version: the sound is just crap! although each single track sounds okay the master track is blurred and undifferentiated and opaque and indistinct and 'cloudy'. i've added a couple of riffs to suzanne's song of which only a one guitar live version exists. still need some backing vocal ideas although i'm hesitant: it might blur the sound even more! you leave your echoes in the water. your whale cheats on eve. o rye! i tie an elevator to you. i see u. why cheer? cause you leave to n.y.. there i whore. he ate wayechoes. return! i love you! echo thee!. you see oliver & turn away. i see you & run & rave. the cool eye! what? hey! never trust a lie! o you, o, we ache! there is no way to you. u cleave here. the wave can rise to your eel. he, you, honey! you are the iceowl. rue vesta is where you rule. a hot eye can vote! random zürn quote of the day:
Nach so vielen blöden lachenden guten Tagen |
[september 11, 2002]it's unofficial laurie anderson day today. went swimming, worked on the cd-rom. right now i'm answering a couple of mails while listening to my best of laurie anderson compilation.
days i dive
by the wreck | nights i swim in the blue lagoon | full fathom five | thy
father lies | of his bones are coral made | those are pearls that were
his eyes | nothing of him that doth fade | but it suffers a sea change
| into something rich | and strange | and i alone am left to tell the tale
| call me ishmael | i saw a plane today flying low over the island | but
my mind was somewhere else. | i hope you'll ever get this letter. | thinking
of you. | all these oceans | love and kisses. | blue pacific. | all these
oceans | signing off. | do all oceans have walls? "where were you?"
is the most heard question on tv today, in the papers today, on the radio
today. and i kept answering it all day long: i was on holiday. i was in
denmark with my fiancé. we were just having dinner when we heard
the news. i was watching tv all night long while she was sleeping upstairs.
i was on holiday. i was in denmark with my fiancé. i was watching
tv all night long while she was sleeping upstairs. i was on holiday. i
was in denmark with my fiancé. i was on holiday. i was in denmark
with my fiancé. i was in denmark with my fiancé. i was with
my fiancé. i was with my fiancé. i
remember all my lovers. i remember how they held me. world without end.
remember me. random zürn quote of the day: "Dort lebt Ahab
auf einem morschen Schiffswrack. Er hat sich eine Robbe zur Frau genommen.
Die Robbe schenkt ihm eine Menge weisser Wale, klein und fein." ("im hinterhalt")
and
i only have one question: did you ever really love me? and the answers?
sometimes the answers just come in the mail. and one day you get that letter
you've been waiting for forever. and everything it says is true. and then
in the last line it says: obouoronoo
tohoiosooo!o!
[september 12, 2002]went swimming, worked on the exhibition section the cd-rom. did the laundry. went shopping. cedric called. eva mailed. she said i should seek professional help. cleaned the windows. listened to the smiths. haven't done so in a long, long time. so due to lack of any other exciting news in my life today i declare this day to be unofficial smith day: i was happy in the haze of a drunken hour | but heaven knows i'm miserable now | i was looking for a job, and then i found a job | and heaven knows i'm miserable now | in my life | why do i give valuable time | to people who don't care if i live or die | two lovers entwined pass me by | and heaven knows i'm miserable now | i was looking for a job and then i found a job | and heaven knows i'm miserable now... wish i could reach this level of tongue in cheekness one day...maybe if i keep trying hard...i hear morrissey laughing: you just haven't earned it yet, baby. random zürn quote of the day: "Seit langer Zeit in der alten Hoffnung befangen, einmal, nur ein einziges Mal in ihrem Leben einem 'Heiligen' zu begegnen, hat sie im Anblick dieser Frau den Eindruck, dass dieser Wunsch sich erfüllt hat." (der mann im jasmin")
[september 13, 2002]
met with eve and
cedric tonight and we watched that pynchon movie by the dubinis and although
i said to cedric that we'd meet at 18:30 and to eve that we'd meet at 19:00
he was late again. sigh. the other week he said that he was trying hard
to find some sort of neurosis because i had once remarked that he was the
sanest of my friends. well, look no further!
went swimming today and tried to get that new laurie anderson cd in the record shop - they did not have a single anderson album.
[later]it's 2:56 in the morning. cedric has just left. watching the film was fun. many great scenes that i had already forgotten about. then we went to a bar and later cedric and i sat in my kitchen discussing the evening and other events of at least worldhistoricimportance. talking with cedric always makes things seem to be so clear and logical and managable. i'm pretty tired now. random zürn quote of the day: "Aber erzähle mir nichts davon. Behalte diese schöne Erinnerung für dich. Niemand kann so daran teilnehmen, wie du und du weisst, dass dir die Gabe des anschaulichen Erzählens nicht geschenkt wurde. Deine Sprache ist arm und ohne Glanz." ("die trompeten von jericho") plan for tomorrow: finish "the rent song", record a first version of "tidal kite" with drums and guitars and backing vocals. correct term papers. have fun. be merry. enjoy the sun. enjoy the music. be happy. term of the day: "an aging hipster" (cedric & i agreed that this was the perfect expression to describe thomas...meant very lovingly, of course!)
[september 14, 2002]huh! bad, bad, vivd dreams. woke up confused. gonna take a long.´, hot shower now.
[later]
weather:
cloudy and rather cold. no chance to enjoy the sun. i just counted my cds
because i thought of finally buying a proper cd-shelf (i've stored them
in cardboard boxes which is neither very esthetically nor very practical)
and i was surprised that i have about 550 cds. checked the new ikea catalogue
for cd shelves and the only one that was in an affordable price range was
"robin" for 39 euros. it's designed for 224 cds, so i would need two of
it that i could place next to each other at the kitchen wall. started to
look through the whole catalogue and got depressed very soon. thought every
other page "oh - that is something that somebody would like, too": i'm
a sick person. so i closed it and put it away and now i'll try to finish
"the rent song". music today: my best of morrissey compilation.
"still it was good lay, good lay, good lay, a good lay aha, a good lay,
a good lay, a good lay, aha!" imagine about 25 violins, a drum set with
open hi-hat, medium tempo, and a great guitar with a strange flanger effect
that is picking a wave-like riff, and then a second guitar joins in that
just plays two notes, alternating arthythmically, and the strings get louder
and louder and the drum is stressing each other quarter note with a crash:
onto this morrissey is singing a dramatic melody line with the words: "so
if i see you | and i tell you | how i've watched | you don't make fun of
me later, cause | i'm (crash) | just (crash) | lost (crash)"
[later]i HAVE to stop considering this time alone, this time on my own without somebody or anybody else, i HAVE to stop considering this to be wasted time. because it isn't. it's time i have for me and the job, for me and the words, for me and the music, for me and my friends. it's not wasted. song of the day: mark eitzel's version of gerry goffin/carole king's "No Easy Way Down": "Your toy balloon has sailed in the sky | now it must fall to the ground | and your sad eyes reveal | just how badly you feel | there is no easy way down | The view from the cliffs | must have been exciting | and up to the peaks you were bound | now you're stranded alone | and the past is unknown | 'cause there is no easy way down | I know it isn't very easy | when you're left on your own | I know it isn't very easy | when each road you take | is one more mistake | and there's no one to break your fall | and lead you back home | We all love to climb | to the heights love | where our fantasy world can be found | but you know in the end | when it's time to descend | that there is no easy way down | There is no easy way down" worked on the rent song all day long and i think it's more or less finished. just have to record the vocals and that's it then. now it's 22:00 and i think i will try to work on the drumtrack for 'tidal kite'. it's a bad title but then i don't know any better yet. random zürn quote of the day: "Man bindet sie an Händen und Füssen an ihrem Bett fest." (der mann im jasmin).
[later]it's 01:16 at night and of course the drumtrack did not work, but i recorded a demo version of that very new song that i don't have lyrics or a melody for yet: it's very quiet and relaxed and slow. i guess i'm trying to make it sound like lotion's "enormous room". i'm tired now. more rain.
[september 15, 2002]typical sunday. went to the park and corrected a couple of term papers. started to read "down below" by carrington. felt tired all day long. talked to tara on the phone. thought about my dissertation all day long. or rather that i haven't written a single line for it yet. the slow song i taped yesterday is still good today. need lyrics now and a melody. thomas sent a picture of himself and his little daughter swimming in the pool :o)
[september 17, 2002]strange days. very strange days. felt like i was 60 years old all day long yesterday. couldn't concentrate and was cold. guess i'm getting ill. got lyrics for the slow new song and i will try to record it tonight. title: "nausikaa II". i'm not in cologne this week. but i will stay for two days next week. blaine offered me to stay at his place. went swimming today and suddenly i realized that i had lost my left contact lense, which did not improve my mood. but then, after five minutes it was back again: obviously water got between the lesne and my eyes and it was not washed away but i just couldn't see clearly. this did improve my mood eventually. corrected another near 5 term paper. thomas sent another picture of him sitting at the beach. random zürn quote of the day: "Aber da schlossen sich meine Augen vor Müdigkeit. Doktor Mortimer hob erst das eine meiner Augenlider und dann das andere. - Ein Meisterschuss - sagte er traurig, aber mit Bewunderung. Die beiden Herzen in ihren Augen sind mitten durch die Brust geschossen. Das war ein Meisterschuss. -" (das haus der krankheiten) weather: cold, no sun. it's fall finally. mood-o-meter: 2.9. that's what sady sadly says "yes" is what she says is what she sadly says is "yes". the seasons march and march again. in april may be soon. there's another year for you! pretty rose and pretty fell. my hair burns with a funny smell. i felt too deep today.
[september 18, 2002]this compass points in two directions | and north and south are both the same | we look forward to the good times | come on independence day! went swimming. worked on "nausikaa II" which is finished now. it doesn't really sound anything like "the enormous room" :o((( - found another great chord pattern yesterday night. *sigh* seems that i have material for a complete solo album. i mean actually i could tape a couple of nerve bible songs which work arranged for solo guitar and then i'd have:
1 the rent song (a cover - okay - but still...)
2 headcrash
3 when you wish upon a star
4 space walk
5 cultural studies II
6 estragon?
7 the nerves end at the fingertips?
8 moving
9 nausikaa II
10 tidal kite (i need a new title for this one! maybe "the pilot"?
good enough for a working title. so:)
10 the pilot
11 that great new pattern that i've stolen from blaine (i might
use the lyrics for that song about thomas that i've started over a year
ago)
12 that great new pattern from yesterday night
so, what i need now is: lyrics, lyrics, lyrics. MORE TIME AND PEACE
OF MIND! somebody who's going to write my dissertation in the meantime.
a reason to do this project at all. a name for it. anyway: here are the
lyrics for "nausikaa II"
driven by strange dreams i came down to the shore | to find you
caught in seaweeds when i wanted to wash all the clothes that i wore |
you told me the whales would be the trains of the sea | and the sea itself
it would be the tears you cry for me | you could not stand the land – that's
no reason to mourn | cause i dream every night that you're happy and save
now in harbors beyond the storm | your eyes were filled with foam from
the trains of the sea | as you promised with weak voice you would not come
back for me | driven by sad dreams i go down to the shore | in the vain
hope to find you in the same place that i have found you once before |
and i wish i could drown with you in the tears you cried for me | as i'm
standing here longing like you for the trains of the sea | but the tears
that you cried for me they are not what i need | as i'm missing you so
tonight that my nose starts to bleed okay, i agree - it does sound
a little pathetic just reading them: you need the melody for it. it's still
pathetic then but at least you can hum along to it...
so the more i'm thinking about it the more i like the idea of setting up a web site with mp3 files of the songs enumerated above. i might even make a demo-cd and try to get a gig somewhere: just with voice and guitar and maybe one or two songs supported by a MiniDisk-playback. hm... i would need a name for it though. i discussed new bandnames with eve and cedric last friday. it should be something that works in german and english. like a name. walter siegmeister would be great. but unfortunately - and cedric was right there - 'siegmeister' sounds a little like 'endsieg', swastikas and videos directed by leni riefenstahl. the other day somebody on the list said the "200 lurkers" would be a great band name. but then it's always embarrassing to have a 'real' band name and then you're just a single person. so something that sounds like a name would be good... have to ponder about this. if you have any suggestions, let me know!
[september 19, 2002]bad, bad dreams. as real as the rest of my life: she was in the hospital for an operation - nothing complicated or serious but still she was afraid and scared and i was there and i was allowed to hold her and comfort her and protect her. we were standing on empty some corridor that resembled those glass tunnels in sea world through which you can walk across the shark's tank, and suddenly she was very tired and sad and she fell into my arms and our heads touched and she said: "i'm eating valerian sandwiches each night..." and then she went home and i waited in the lobby where i overheard a conversation of theater critics and then i had to gather her things and bring it to her and there was a red scarf and i did not know whether it belonged to her and as i was taking it a voice said: "i think you can't sit very comfortable at these tables" and a young woman was standing behind me and it was her scarf and she recommended a book to me and i tried to be charming and we talked a little and then i left her telling her that i have to go and see somebody. i woke up suddenly from reminding me that this can't be real.
[later]wanted to go swimming. but the swimming hall was too crowded. went to town instead. recorded the voice for "the pilot" - which might as well be titled "after all this time"... recorded the instrumental tracks for a new version of "space walk". made a homepage for the new project. still need a decent name! tomorrow i'll meet with my mum at ikea. she'll buy me those cd shelves. an early birthday present. finally ordered that laurie anderson live cd. i like "nausikaa II" more and more. you know, it's that kind of song that nobody else will like, kind of like "suture" - but i think it's not too bad! my bad conscience about the work i'm not doing is as big as my enthusiasm about the new songs. random zürn quote of the day: "Sollte ich Sie wirklich noch einmal sehen, was ich uns nicht wünsche, so weiss ich, dass ich gerne Tränen vergiessen würde, bei ihrem Anblick. Ich versuche, meine kleinen Pflichten zu erfüllen, nicht mit viel Vergnügen und so entsteht langsam die winterliche Ordnung. Jetzt, wo die Erde hart und eisig wird, wünsche ich allen, die ich liebe, die Lampe, den Ofen und das Bett. Nicht einmal, wenn alle Türen zu Ihnen hin geöffnet wären, möchte ich gehen, bis ich vor Ihnen stehe. Meine wenigen Erinnerungen an Sie wachsen und und ich bin klein geworden, inmitten dieser Bilder, stehe und sehe Sie von weitem an." (erdachte briefe)
[september 20, 2002]"pick a card. any card. wrong!" woke up at 6:34 in a dangerous state: still asleep and yet not in dreams anymore but with mean thoughts making their way into my badly guarded conscience: all of a sudden in a moment of devastating clear-sightedness i realized that my life is a joke and that i don't have any future in my job. i can't do anything! i don't know anything at all. i thought about my dissertation and that i have to do anything from the scratch and then i thought about the rigorosum and that i don't even know any latin and that i haven't read anything and that i'm just too dump and lazy to understand either lacan or foucault or derrida or kristeva or bloom or delueze & guattari or even thomas! and this was not just some - it was the truth. my attention span is severely limited to 10 minutes and my work ethics are not worth mentioning! somebody did the right thing: look for a nice job in the publishing business and then earn money and fulfill yourself besides your work. i have started something that i cannot finish. i have taken up tasks way too big for me.
i'm gonna meet with my parents at ikea this morning. actually my mother suggested to go tomorrow, but saturday mornings is quite a dangerous time slot because somebody & someone might get the same idea. but then with my kind of luck i will meet them even today and they'll probably be looking for a new bed. "Well, there are a thousand questions you could ask me | But you only need one question to pin love from a lie" wish i had known which one that was! "ah these lovers! you ask them to go, they won't come back. you ask them to stay, they won't go away."
[later]"i would go out tonight but i haven't got a stitch to wear..." i'm the proud owner of two new cd-shelves that make my kitchen a much more beautiful place to live in... the laurie anderson cd arrived today as well. went swimming in the afternoon. am tired now because i only had five hours of sleep. but THE BEST THING IS: i found a cd-rom with the single tracks we recorded in 1998 for "cultural studies II" which means that i can make a new recording and then mix rob's guitarsolo into it! talked blaine and i will go to cologne on monday and stay at his place. recorded a new version of "space walk" yesterday night. "what difference does it make? what difference does it make? it makes none now that you have gone but i'm still fond of you, a-haha!"
[september 21, 2002]mixed & finished "the rent song" and taped the vocals for "space walk". also finished "the pilot". cedric called: he had a strange dream. i asked him to write it down and send it to the journal, but he was hesitant... i visited the new flat of my sister into which she will move with her friend next month. it is situated in the street next to where somebody had once been living. it's quite nice, actually.
that laurie anderson cd is pretty good, it features a live version of "o superman". random zürn quote of the day: "Und ihre Stimme bleibt noch lange in diesem Raum, nachdem man sie schon hinausgetragen hat." (der mann im jasmin) and ha the ha voice ha said: ha well, ha you ha don't ha know ha me ha but ha i ha know ha you ha and ha i've ha got ha a ha message ha to ha give ha to ha you ha here ha come ha the ha planes ha so ha you ha better ha get ha ready ha ready ha to ha go ha you ha can ha come ha as ha you ha are ha pay ha as ha you ha go ha pay ha as ha you ha go ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and yes i do remember i do remember how we've been listening to ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and how a shiver went down my spine when the flute set in ha ha ha ha ha CAUSE WHEN LOVE IS GONE THERE'S ALWAYS JUSTICE ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and we were totally silent until the last "ha" had stopped and she was so impressed and she only whispered to me how great the song was ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha in your electronic arms
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[actual representation of "o superman"]
just talked to cedric and we were trying to come up with a good, you know, sort of, band name. because i have launched the "i tape songs myself and make mp3s of them" project which has the working title: "200 lurkers". and we thought that it would be a good thing to have a name, a fictitious or allusive name. like "foster kane". unfortunately there's already a band that has this name. cedric also suggested "robert frost" which is a great name but for obvious reasons not really suitable and then i thought of only "frost" which would work in german & english. we went through a whole lot of characters from novels. "calisto" is also not too bad. it sounds nice, it looks nice and there would be a connection to "space walk" [the virtual album is called 'the space & the sea'] and also to vega. we'll see. maybe we will stumble upon something even better.
[september 22, 2002]bad, bad, BAD dreams, i'm still confused: very real, very bad. she at work and i on the phone to her and we had a flat on top of a skyscraper and there was a thunderstorm and i sensed that something was wrong, that something was not the way it was supposed to be and the conversation on the phone went all wrong and bad bad bad...
[later]just went voting [today is general election]. oh boy, i'm just glad we don't have any gigs! rehearsal got cancelled again! daniel's ill. packed my things for cologne. worked on "space walk" but i'm not really satisfied. it must be REALY good, because i love the song so much. random zürn quote of the day: Kapitäm Ahab schwimmt mit seiner Frau um das Kap der guten Hoffnung und sie lassen sich treiben. Die Augen der Robbe sind von einem warmen, dunklen Braun und ihr Hals ist voller Bisse. Unablässig muss sie kleine weisse Walfische gebären.how to find you? Das ist der Fluch von Moby Dick. maybe by your singing? i feel the panic rising with the music like the flood rises with the moon, like the blood rises with the moon. you leave your echoes in the water. Und wie man sich bettet, so liegt man, es deckt einen keiner zu. Und wenn einer tritt, dann bin ich es, und wenn einer fällt, dann bist Du's. Kapitän Ahab bleibt der unversöhnliche Feind von Moby Dick und jagt ihn ohne Ermatten bis in das Reich der Schatten.in all these oceans. Er verzeiht ihm den Verlust seines Beines nie und trägt schwer an dem geschliffenen Walfischzahn.in ALL these oceans. a weird trail of notes in the water, in all these oceans.Zornig stösst er den Zahn tief in den weichen Leib der Robbe. one white whale. and i alone am left to tell the tale. and ishmael rhymes with whale. i don't know much to write. my fingers are cold as if i had held a ball of snow all day long. my chest is cold as if i had carried a block of ice inside all these months. i'm really, really cold. it's fall finally. nothing has changed. only a little bit. no gob changes, no strange angels only millions of tiny teardrops just sort of hanging there. and i don't know whether to laugh or cry. this is nothing like i thought it would be. every other night, when i'm hearing some noise on the corridor, steps on the stair or the ringing of keys it feels for a split second as if the door to my study would open slowly and somebody would come in, carrying two cups of tea, one for her and one for me and she'd walk slowly through the room and behind my chair, place the cup upon the table and i'd be able to tell she's there although my eyes are closed and she's standing in my back motionless and silent REMEMBER ME IS ALL I ASK AND IF REMEMBERED BE A TASK, FORGET ME and then she'd look over my shoulder and breathe in the back of my neck, soft warm wind and whisper in my ear: why write so sad things? and she'd whisper: remember me is all i ask. these long thin lines, these tightropes, these long thin lines made of my own blood. there is no air in outer space, there's no air under water. so how can you sing there?
[september 23, 2002]had a serious exchange of arguments with blaine and nicole about "o superman" - blaine said (and nicole was of the same opinion) that the song was depressing, sick and disturbing and nothing he would ever wanted to listen to. very strange. sometimes i wonder whether we are listening to the same song? i feel so much different about it.
angelina mailed and for some reason unknown to me wrote a couple of angry and sort of provoking lines which i answered in the same vein. she then decided to bash me and say "that's it". so that's that. women!
got a mail from prof. nitsch that there's a preliminary meeting for the people participating in the lecture series on october 7, which is not really good news for two reasons: 1) i had already forgotten that i'll have to give that lecture in december and actually i'm not quite grateful for being reminded. 2) that date is my birthday. but on second thought it might be a relief to have to come to cologne that day and work because i have an excuse for ignoring my birthday then. i'm sort of scared of it. i don't want it. no special days that stick like a lighthouse out of the sea of tranquility. i know that that date will make me think and brood over my life so far and actually this is a topic that does not cheer me up. i will count the losses. but then i feel the will to celebrate this day as festively as possible because i know that somebody expects me to ignore it and to think and brood and i want to CHANGE, i want to be different. i want to show it to her, i want to surprise and be merry and happy and lovable and not depressed and down and no fun to be with. but then there's also the cologne - bielefeld divide. where should i do something? in bielefeld and in cologne? only in cologne? only in bielefeld? and also i finally have to start searching for a flat SERIOUSLY. and i will have to start preparing that lecture SERIOUSLY because of the meeting. and i will have to start working on my diss SERIOUSLY because thomas will be back for two weeks at the end of november. *sigh* just now when i feel that writing songs is more fulfilling than ever! did i mention that i've put the new songs on the 200 lurkers section of entropic empire for download?
tonight blaine and i will meet andreas and eva at the el inca, drinking strawberry margaritas. here come the planes. the day went by much too fast. i wanted to answer a mail that tara wrote today but there#s just no time. got to go now. see you tomorrow. random anderson quote of the day: "ha ha ha ha ha ha ha"
[september 24, 2002]"Habt Ihr gut geschlafen?"
"Nicht so völlig."
"Warum? Habt Ihr was träumt? Ihr wisset ja, was man in der ersten Nacht in einem fremden Bett träumt, das trifft ein." (Berthold Auerbach, "Das war ein Sonntagsleben")What you are dreaming in the first night that you spent in a strange bed will become true.
it's almost noon, i'm in the office and time flies by, there's so
much to do. wish i had a couple of minutes to order my thoughts. it was
a strange sensation spending the night at blaine's place because i haven't
really shared a bed with anybody for what, like, a whole year now! i was
lying on my back hearing his breath getting more and more regular and calmer
and then turning into a snoring and i was staring at the ceiling where
a couple of small, fluorescent stars were pinned. we had the same stars
under our ceiling in the bedroom as well and they kept falling down in
the middle of the night. i couldn't really sleep, too many thoughts about
that lecture series. i was nervous and restless. when i finally fell asleep
i had a very, very intense and real dream: i was sharing a room with blaine
in a big flat. and in the room across the corridor somebody was living
with her new friend. and one night he wasn't there and i felt so alone
and i did not want to but i could not help crossing the corridor and opening
the door to their room and she was lying on the bed reading or something
and i looked through the crack in the door and somehow i was drawn into
the room and she saw me and she said i should come closer and i was trembling
and then she opened her arms and i occupied the space between them and
she said that we could spent the night together: she, her new friend and
i and suddenly i realized that she had not understood at all what the hell
i was feeling, how much she meant for me and i was shocked by that proposal
and disappointed and suddenly she was as far away as before, even farer
and i went back into my and blaine's room and told him about it and he
said that he had to go searching for something in the city and suddenly
we were out on the street searching and i was sort of not
hoping to meet her there. i know, this sounds very unspectacular but within
the logic of the dream every tiny detail seemed to be so important, seemed
to be so infinitely important. it took me quite some time after i had woken
up to distinguish dream from reality.
[later]i'm back home in bielefeld, leaving blaine in the hands of his evil colleagues and at the mercy of his infected computer, the poor chap! it's cold, bitterly cold. i was freezing on the way from station to my flat although i was wearing a sweater and a jacket. but it's a starclear night and the temperature has dropped considerably since the sun has left. my fridge is empty and i'm hungry. thought of ordering a pizza but then i know that i will hate myself afterwards for having eaten it! i already had four bars of chocolate today and a bounty. i know that i don't have to eat. i can do pretty well without it. it's just an annoying habit, just a superfluous routine. and that way i can lose every inch of my body, every pound of my flesh that had been in contact with her, i can lose everything that still bears a trace, a memory, "the rose tattoo of the fingerprints on my from you". das ist ein sehr schöner plan. if only there weren't all these traces in my head, in my brain, that neural network that i can't reach, that i can't manipulate. right now i'm enjoying the warm light from the candles and the warm voice of laurie anderson and you're alone on an island now tuning in did you think this was the way your world would end hombres? sailors? comrades? there is no pure land now no save place and we stand here on the pier watching you drown...and if this is the work of an angry god i want to look into his angry face there's no pure land now no save place come with us into the mountains hombres sailors comrades
[before]eyes skywards - there's no heaven but only an endless, empty three-dimensional space above, stretching infinitely into nothing that had any color. transparent infinity. laurie's one white whale takes my heart between index finger and thumb on the left side and between thumb and index finger on the right side and then tears it apart slowly and effortlessly with a sweet pain, a long thin noise - as if it was a sheet of paper. the sun looks upon this scene from the side - an unreal movie light. the tracks are glowing as if on fire. "is pain long? or is it wide" she had asked me in her last letter. the answer was clear from the start. i don't know why i 'm realizing this only now: it's both. things have moved into the sky: the pieces of the heart that the sound has torn apart, turning the empty space into a screen: a gone with the wind sunset. clouds are moving across the airy prairie like a giant herd of buffaloes. magical 20 minutes before the sun has gone and the neon lights of the train are switched on. the eternal wish to write makes me feel embarrassed and i blush.
[september 25, 2002]went swimming. corrected term papers. made plans to record "estragon", fell asleep. random zürn quote of the day from das weisse mit dem roten punkt:
a week ago i wrote to eva: "i think - and i never would have thought that - that i am somebody who needs other people. i'm not getting along very well on my own. i can work much better in a team: i can't get anything done alone. and that's why it's so good that i know cedric, blaine and thomas. i can 'create' much better in a team: it's so hard to do on my own. and that's why it was so good that i had rob and the rest of the band. i can live much better in a team: living with myself is just not enough! and that's why it was so good that i knew somebody because i could not only live with her but also work and create."
sorry, not much of a point there. i just remembered the previous passage when i stumbled across that zürn quote. it's cold! i mean really! no sun, just endless rain and cold wind. thought of a musical antiprogram and put on "girl from ipanema" on repeat O mundo sorrindo | Se enche de graça | E fica mais lindo | Por causa do amor.
[september 26, 2002]okay, what happened today, let's see? went swimming. corrected term papers. started recording "estragon". did not dare to listen to what i have already taped for "space walk" - but then i eventually did a minute ago and i liked it. decided to invite a couple of people over the weekend after my birthday. unfortunately blaine will not come because he will meet ralph pool (supposedly a brilliant queer studies guy) in cologne that weekend. pft! so if you don't have anything better to do on october 12 you're heartily invited to join us! just come over at about 8pm. [melanchthonstrasse 82, 33615 bielefeld. or simply send money].
[september 27, 2002]
bad, bad, bad dreams.
too many thoughts this morning. thought i'd wash them down taking a hot
shower but this didn't really work. the nominees in the category "most
realistic mind-movie of 2002":
edmund stoiber: wir haben die wahl gewonnen"and the winner is [drumroll]: philipp hofmann: o. stepping out of the shower in the siegfriedstrasse! the jury was impressed and convinced by the neo-realistic approach that treats the subject with a sharp, cruel vision not seen before in world history. unfortunately mr. hofmann cannot be here tonight so miss halle berry is accepting the award on his behalf." now i'm trying to get back to what i know i should be hoping to god i was just a temporary absentee. worked a little on "estragon". fell asleep. cedric called. wrote mails to dagmar and thomas. listened to laurie anderson a lot. went to rehearsal. felt lonely. did the laundry. re-read the 7 page letter that i've received from kati this week. had small text-ideas for an anderson like song. it's bloody cold. i don't want to complain as much as i don't want to be cold. i feel like having a waterfall inside and millions and millions of gallons of water are falling over the edge, lost forever, useless, never flowing back, and this irreversible falling creates a funny feeling in my chest, an army of ants that is walking along the inside of me. i should have prepared myself for situations like this. i had the opportunity. when i was working in the hospital for example. i should have foreseen that there would be times when i would wish i had thought about saving that pill or another, just to be prepared to slip away. i'm not here. this is not happening. i still haven't found the words for that feeling. ein rauhes gefühl, als würde ein endloses, kratziges tuch durch mich hindurchgezogen werden. and you can't cut it. during the rehearsal daniel told how we were once having a gig and we were playing a song that had a break at the end but daniel had forgotten when so he had looked at rob urgently and rob had looked at him and had nodded and deliberately gave him the sign at the wrong time with a dead poker face. so suddenly daniel stopped playing and had to improvise to come back into the song again and rob was laughing and laughing...i'm missing him, i'm missing you and all who made me human. you in a land without a leader, he in a land without return. yes, i do need you. not in a desperate fashion anymore, at least not so often, but in a sad way. to soothe the doubts, to show me that there's any reason at all to keep breathing. why should i? i need you. why does this sound so profane? why does it sound so unconvincing. why does it sound so weak. and why is it so impotent. i suppose i've ran out of magical words long ago. you've sent me your love so many times. when i picked up my room today i stumbled over all those letters that i have saved in that folder onto which i had written the lyrics of "strange angels" in silver pen so long ago, and all the letters were signed "with love". you should think that i still have something of all this love that you wrote me, send me, gave me and i turned the folder upside down and shook it and the pages that were adorned with your handwriting, your lipstick, your tears kept dancing and spinning around but there was no crumb of love left. i've never seen so many empty full pages, so many pages that are so heavy that they broke my fingers, my bones, my heart when i tried to catch them. i'm afraid of being lonely when i'm alone. i'm even more afraid of being lonely when i'm not alone. i'm so afraid that this will never be right again. i should have prepared myself for that fear. i can only react to it with ridiculous grimaces and the volume up so loud that it tears the headphones apart. song of the day: laurie anderson, slip away.
blaine: my pc bit into my foot!
philipp hofmann: o. stepping out of the shower in the siegfriedstrasse
paul mccartney: i've finally written a good song
What's this? A little dust in my eyerandom zürn quote of the day: "Wäre es doch leicht! Wäre es doch wie ein grosser Schwung, der mich bis in die Sterne hebt." i'm at the edges of a universe so vast, and i don't know how long the oxygen will last. if you see something in a night sky that is clear, it's just me burning in the outer atmosfear.
Well I'm not the type to cry
It's four a.m. I'm standing by the bed where you lie
Sleeping the sleep of the newborn
I put my finger to your lips. Warm air.
Five a.m. You lift your hand and open it.
Then you slipped away. You slipped away.
Oh death, that creep, that crooked jerk...
He comes, he comes walking. He comes sneaking
Down that long irreversible hallway
Grabs you in your sleepI walk outside to the parking lot.
Bright coins of water on the sidewalk.
Big white building where your body lies
Stands in the middle of the fields. Icy air.
And after all the shocks the way the heart unlocks
And ooo we slip away. We slip away.I'm thinking about the way that lost things always come back
Looking like something else
A fishing pole, a shoe, an old shirt, a lucky day
Ooo then they slip away into the remains of the day
Ooo they slip away. They slip away.I'm thinking how you taught me how to win
And how to loose
And how to fight the crippling blues that I was born with
Bad dreams and nightmares
Ooo they slip away. Ooo they slip away into the remains of the day.I know that sometime I'll stop looking for you.
Stop seeing your face every day
Bad dreams and nightmares and big bad wolves
Ooo they slip away into the remains of the day
Ooo they slip away into the remains of the day
They slip awayYou told me you had no idea how to die but I saw
The way the light left your eyes
And after all the shocks the way the heart unlocks
And ooo then you slipped away. You slipped away.
[september 28, 2002]most exciting event today: i tested a new salad dressing: herbs de provence. sort of finished "estragon" - got to mix it though. work on the 22 lurkers pages. my birthday will be one private party: eve can't come, reiner has a gig, tara is in tübingen.
[later]it's one at night. southpark is on. i've finished "estragon". random zürn quote of the day: "Der Verstand sagt kein Wort - trotzdem versucht er mir einzureden, dass ich mich irre - dass ich mich schämen sollte, mich so verwirren zu lassen, von Einbildungen, von nichts als Einbildungen."
[september 29, 2002]bah! what a fucking bad night! couldn't get to sleep and when i finally did at about three in the morning i woke up half an hour later because something had stung me two times in my cheek right under my eye. i tried to find that little motherfucker but he wouldn't come out of his hiding place. my cheek started to swell then and i tried to get back asleep again with the light switched on so that he might be lured to it and i could finish it and take revenge - the plan did not work. it's so easy to love it's so easy to hate it takes strength to be gentle and kind had great pleasure in making a cover for "the space & the sea" this morning while simultaneously suffering from my bed conscience because i did not really do anything useful - for days!
[later]worked all night on "space walk" - i'm not quite sure whether i'm really satisfied yet. the back-cover for the cd is finished. didn't work for the university.
[september 30, 2002]"you know - it could be you: it's a sky blue sky..." finished the cover this morning. i think i'm gonna make a couple of printouts in cologne tomorrow. "dear amigo, dear partner. listen now: i just wanna say thanks. so: thanks!" i also have to finish mixing "space walk" today so i can upload it tomorrow. i really like the new version of "estragon". if my dissertation will be only half as good as this song there's no reason to worry. "oh yeah, ps: i. i feel. feel like. i am. in a burning building - and i've got to go..."
[later]went walking. i've hopelessly overproduced "space walk". i'm trying to strip it down now. listened to it on the stereo the other minute and it was just some opaque noise. sigh.
[later]mixed "space walk" - am not quite happy with it. got to tape it all over again... wanted to write so much but it's too late now. got to pack my things for tomorrow.