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[october 01, 2002]
"but after all the shocks, the way the heart unlocks..." i'm on the train, back home. time went by much too quickly again: i could hardly do all the things i had set out to do today. met s. and eva and blaine and after work went with blaine to his place to meet an english friend of him - claire - with whom we spent two hours talking in the late evening sun having coffee and cheese cake on his balcony. i need an apartment in cologne! "I'm thinking about the way that lost things always come back | Looking like something else | A fishing pole, a shoe, an old shirt, a lucky day | Ooo then they slip away into the remains of the day | Ooo they slip away. They slip away." it's dark outside already - i'm sort of melancholic... well, that's news for you! uploaded "space walk" & "estragon" today. printed the covers in a copy shop: they look really good i think... sent a cd to cedric and one to tara.

went to the hairdresser today.

we've got a new xerox machine: there was a young woman - dressed in a bordeaux red business suit straight out of ally mcbeal - who spent an entire hour explaining how it works. all the people working in the offices on our corridor were standing around her nodding their heads from time to time or grunting or rolling their eyes and i don't think ANYbody neither really listened to her nor understood how the bloody thing works. blaine & i decided that a healthy dose of technical intuition [which - unfortunately - he doesn't have] would be the best way to approach this new challenge. and if it fails we'll get back to copying things by hand like in the good old bartleby times... we did not manage to prepare the seminar. blaine said that there's no need to. but there is! i haven't even read the novels yet ;-) and after all i need to do something that is a) not my dissertation, b) work and c) something that gives me a good feeling, a feeling of having accomplished something useful. i repeat: the dilemma is that my ideal i and i ideal are worlds apart. the very own expectations and ideas i have of and for myself are not those that society has - by a looooong shot. society being a term applied here for basically two important social fields: academia & the market. i've got to perform in terms of being a good scholar with everything that this implies - selbstaufgabe, unisozialstress, competitive thinking - and also in terms of being a valuable member of the economic machine: make as much money as possible & spend as much money as possible. within these value sytems there's no room for "estragon" - & that's what is so frustrating.

while we're stopping at the dark and dirty station of dortmund i'm contemplating whether there's an alternative to returning to an empty apartment - guess there isn't. i'm feeling better when i've filled two pages with unsteady letters - basically lacking any meaning or signification - that you can hardly decipher. it's magic! the little pleasures: writing, rambling. the big pleasures: writing, creating.

random zürn quote of the day: "Wenn die Sonne scheint, geht meine Traurigkeit einige Schritte zurück und bleibt wartend im Hintergrund stehen. Sie wartet auf den Sonnenuntergang. Dann, wenn ich im Bett liege und Andersens Märchen lese oder den 'Grossen Kameraden' von Alain Fournier - besonders Henri Alain Fournier - das sind 18 Buchstaben - Quersumme: 9 - (1 und 8 ist 9). Besonders dieses Buch immer wieder. Dann ist meine Traurigkeit bei mir und die Traurigkeit von meinem Sohn Christian - das sind 9 Buchstaben und die Traurigkeit von Henri Alain Fournier - und die lesen mit mir zusammen vom Finden und Verschwinden des Wunders und alle zusammen schlafen wir ein."

Subject: SUZY V TRIBUTE CD
Date: Tue, 01 Oct 2002 16:14:37 -0400
From: FJardin@aol.com
To: undertow@vega.net

Hey Towsters,

Today was a special day here at the Suzy V Tribute CD headquarters.

I received a CD from Philipp Hoffman in Germany with an awesome versions of several of Suzanne's songs. This guy is awesome!

ALSO, I received a CD from Uncwilly himself. Unc did a scintilating version of the extremely rare "The All of Nothing" and a poetic reading of Manhattan.

Life is sweet

:)
FJ

he he!
[october 2, 2002]
sort of tsrange srange strange day: washed the carpets in the kitchen. wanted to go swimming but when i arrived at the swimming hall i could see from outside that it was hopelessly crowded. turned around and went shopping instead, well, shopping for food. [tomorrow is a holiday]. bought some flowers for myself. my kitchen looks pretty cozy now. wanted to go for a walk since i wasn't swimming but just when i was putting on my shoes the phone rang: it was cedric and we talked for two hours. he said that he was unsatisfied with himself because he didn't really manage to do all the stuff he wanted to and when i told him that i would feel the same he replied: "das ist ja auch mal schön, wenn man gemeinsam stagniert..." updated the lyrics section of 200 lurkers. wrote some commentaries on the songs. listened to david byrne when i prepared dinner. "You may think I look sad | But I am just sleeping | It's my facial expression | I'm probably dreaming | Would you like to be sad? | Would you like me to teach you? | Well, you can learn to be sad | But you must practice like I do | Na na na, na na na na ... | You must follow directions | And learn it right from the start | There isn't a short cut | It must come from your heart | Well there are those who are happy | And there are those who are wise | But it's the truly sad people | Who get the most out of life | Na na na, na na na na ..."

it's night now and i am desperate because today i had a brilliant idea how to make a version of "space walk" that might work better - but this would mean to record it all over again from the start. sigh. and i also have this brilliant chord pattern that i need lyrics for. and i have those lyrics that i need a brilliant chord pattern for...just in case you've been wondering what to send me as a birthday present. when i mentioned to thomas that i was working on a couple of songs in my spare time and that i need lyrics he wrote back: "i thought you were suffering and thus overflowing with lyrics...?" thanks for your sympathy, thomas! instead of giving me a six months paid holiday to finish the most promising debut album in pop history he only has sarcastic remarks for me. but i fear that he didn't even mean it sarcastically...

have invited 14 people today [friends & colleagues in cologne] to join me next moday to celebrate the new semester with strawberry margaritas in the el inca. i did not mention my birthday and i don't see that there's any reason to do so. should be fun. and after that lecture series-meeting on monday afternoon i will be in the best possible mood - well, at least i will be terribly relieved...

dagmar wrote and she closed her mail with a quote by Sloterdijk which will replace today's random zürn quote:
"Aber gleichgültig, ob ein Individuum den Kult seiner Götter oder seine Intimpartner entbehren muß: Auf jeden Fall verkörpert das depressiv-melancholische Subjekt die Überzeugung vom Nicht-mehr-Sein seines Genius.  Der Melancholie verfallen heißt nichts anderes, als sich mit ungeteilter Glaubensintensität an die bewußte oder unbewußte Behauptung hinzugeben, daß ich von meinem intimen Förderer, Mitwisser und Motivator aufgegeben worden sei.  Melancholie stellt die Exilspathologie in Reinform dar - die Innenweltverarmung durch den Entzug des lebenspendenden Nähefeldes.  In diesem Sinn wäre der melancholische Mensch ein Häretiker des Glaubens an seinen guten Stern - ein Atheist in bezug auf den eigenen Genius oder den unsichtbaren Doppelgänger, der ihn von dem unüberbietbaren Vorteil, er selbst und niemand sonst zu sein, hätte überzeugen sollen. [...] Mit tiefster Verstimmung antwortet das verlassene Subjekt auf die Erfahrung eines metaphysischen Betrugs: von dem intimen großen Anderen zum Leben verführt worden zu sein, um dann auf halbem Wege von ihm aufgegeben worden zu sein."

[october 3, 2002]
okay, i herewith declare this day to be the official "space walk" day - all over the world. spent all day long re-recording that bloody song and i'm not even sure if it will work out in the end. but the approach is quite a good one, i think: used a sample for the drums. he he. great songs to listen to on repeat no. 54: "some girls are bigger than others", the smiths. listened to sgabto for about 400 times today. what a great ending!

hey! somebody filled out the questionnaire! haven't received answers for quite some time, so let me remind you that you can fill it out and check out the answers that have come in so far here.

it kept raining all day long. which was good for recording. no impulse to go outside although i did when i went over to my parents' place this afternoon to try to get my father's mail account to work. tomorrow is friday already. sigh. i need more time. didn't do anything for the university today. i'm just surprised that they're still paying me and that i still got my job. it's awful. no - I'M awful.

listened to david byrne while preparing dinner. "miss america" made the mood-o-meter rise by two full points. wish i already had a flat in cologne. i dread the coming months when i'll have to search for something cozy and cheap. i don't really feel like moving: way too much additional work!

[october 4, 2002]
started to write that review for "gender forum". after ten minutes and two sentences i got a headache and instead of writing on i started ironing the kitchen carpets that i had washed the other day. and while doing so i suddenly had an intuition that i did not upload the new menu that has the link for the october entries...did this just now. went swimming.
[later...much later]
it's 1:19 at night and i think i've spent five hours mixing that bloody song tonight - but it might be worth it! cedric called and he said that he really loved the new songs! so you should all go to http://www.entropic-empire.com/mp3 and download them! if all goes well i will upload that new "space walk" version tomorrow evening. but now it's time for bed. see ya!
[october 5, 2002]
got another filled out questionnaire. hooray! see, it's THAT easy to lift up my mood. weather: it's raining in small, fine and almost invisible drops. music: sunshine galore - david byrne's "rei momo" that i've copied for blaine to prove that i DO have rhythm! plan for today: make a nice cup of tea, pick some music (probably glass or reich), sit in the kitchen, read "gender reconstructions" and write that review.

last night i realized that i'd love to send a copy of "the space & the sea" to thomas - but that this probably wouldn't be a very good idea. felt for a moment like a small boy who had made some grotesque big painting in bright crayons: sea gulls that look like the 'm' of mcdonald's are pinned to a sky that's filled with blue clouds and a hysterically smiling sun in the top left corner. beneath them: the sea and within the waves: a big, white whale. and the little boy's swelling with pride that only he can understand. it's evening and he's slowly walking down a long, dark corridor - the floorboards of which are made of oak like in an old ship - clutching the painting to his chest with both hands and he's approaching a huge heavy door that leads to his father's study and there's light shining through the cracks and behind it he can hear the creaking of the boards as his father keeps walking up and down in the room without ever getting tired, and every other step sounds hollow and ivory. and then he's standing there, looking up to the handle that is hanging above his head, way above his head, and to open the door he would have to use both hands but he's holding the painting and if he'd open the door he'd have to let go of it. so he just keeps standing there, frozen, looking up with the endless creaking from inside buzzing in his head. paging dr. freud.

[later]
just went swimming. at 9:30pm which seems to be quite a good time because i almost was the only one doing my leaps, so the water was very calm, smooth even, and it felt like parting a mirror, like cutting through glass. tried to ignore the sad fact that swimming at 9:30 on a saturday night is a dead giveaway for not having any social life.

hey - but there's news! kati will probably come over from berlin for the birthday party!

worked a little bit on the review today: read another article and tried to compose a paragraph or two about it. academic writing sucks. finished the new version of "space walk" and while doing the final mix suddenly the program crashed and said that it couldn't find the wav.-files anymore. PANIC! i already thought i had lost the whole project to the unpredictable moods of my hard disk, but luckily i only had to re-record some backing vocals! phew! uploaded the finished track onto the 200 lurkers page. so there's no excuse for you anymore not to check out the new songs!
 

cause when love is gone - there's always justice
and when justice is gone - there's always force
and when force is gone - there's always mom
HI MOM!
so hold me NOW in your long arms
so hold me NOW in your long arms
in your automatic arms
your electronic arms
in your ARMS
so hold me NOW in your long arms
your petrochemical arms
your military arms
in your electronic armssshasshasshasha ha ha ha
[later]
it's 1:42 am - i can't sleep, i'm restless having listened to the new songs - it's the best i've ever done better than anything i've ever done. i was never convinced more of anything that i've ever done before. this is almost the perfect translation. this is almost everything i ever wanted to say. "this is all i am | and this is the light | i can give"
 
[october 6, 2002]
tomorrow i am thirty. worked on the review. went to rehearsal. daniel did not show up for whatever reason. he had said last week that he might not be able to make it, so reiner & i did a little bass & guitar set, which worked pretty well. had dinner. went swimming at half past nine. tomorrow i'll have to go to cologne. tomorrow i am thirty. when i was walking back home just the other minute it was one of those surreal moments. i was walking through the dark, empty streets, it was cold, very cold and the sky was clear and there were all those stars i don't know where they came from there wwere qall those stars and i was listening to that new version of estragon and it felt so strange and ... sad. on the eve of my thirtiest birthday i was walking through the dark streets with wet hair and the chords of someone in my ears who was way beyond all those stars that were blinking and shimmering there is no end to fear there is no end to fear. as in: you don't have to fear any end. and while i was thinking about how we were playing estra-gone live and how it felt and how much i was missing you i realized that i had taken the way to our old flat. there is no end to fear. there is no end to fear. as in: it will never end. tomorrow i am me. tomorrow i am me. say something. i'm trying. say anything at all. what do we do now? this is nothing like i thought it would be. happy birthday to me.
[october 7, 2002]
nothing happened. whatever i expected, it did not happen. empty screen. cedric called. tara called. it's dark. office in neon light. music: the sundays, a cd blaine gave me for my birthday. empty scream.

                people I know places I go
                make me feel tongue tied
                I can see how people look down
                they're on the inside

                here's where the story ends

                people I see, weary of me
                showing my good side
                I can see how people look down
                I'm on the outside

                here's where the story ends
                ooh here's where the story ends

                it's that little souvenir of a terrible year
                which makes my eyes feel sore
                oh I never should have said the books that you read
                were all I loved you for
                it's that little souvenir of a terrible year
                which makes me wonder why
               & it's the memories of the shed that make me turn red
                surprise surprise surprise

                crazy I know, places I go
                make me feel so tired
                I can see how people look down
                I'm on the outside

                oh here's where the story ends
                ooh here's where the story ends

                it's that little souvenir of a terrible year
                which makes my eyes feel sore
                & who ever would've thought the books that you brought
                were all I loved you for
                oh the devil in me said go down to the shed
                I know where I belong
                but the only thing I ever really wanted to say
           was wrong, was wrong, was wrong

                it's that little souvenir of a colorful year
                which makes me smile inside
                so I cynically, cynically say the world is that way
           surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise

                here's where the story ends
                ooh here's where the story ends

keep me busy. keep me busy. keep me busy. i'm off to party now.

[later]
my face is being mirrored in the windowpane of mcdonald's at cologne station. it's 1:40 am & my train will leave at 2:21 which means that i'll be in bielefeld at about 6 in the morning. blaine offered me to spend the night at his place, so did s. but i'd feel uncomfortable. it's my own fault that i don't have a flat yet - so i should take the consequences. beside i feel like staying in a public space is the right thing to do now - i don't know what thoughts the emptiness of a private space would induce now - even if it's only the semi-private sphere of blaine's flat. had four margaritas - or five? lost count. it was fun & blaine, eva, s. & i stayed until they closed the place. the only thing that sort of still concerns me was our conversation about the topic of flirting, which irritated me. seems like i'm a bit naive there, not to say inexperienced, ignorant, amateurish and well, i don't know. but the three of them, especially eva & s. considered some signals to be flirtatious that i probably would not have. while discussing this i realized that flirting - at least in realtime and realspace - is so alien to me because i'd constantly have the fear to cross borders. this  - of course - is related to gernder|societal power structures that you don't want to reproduce and|or enforce.

anyway, bernd was there as well, so were martin and achim and cedric - blaine's friend whom i haven't seen for quite some time. eva gave me a canned flower - a present sparkling with delicate poetry in my backpack in the sharp mcdonald's neon light while i'm writing this. my head is heavy & the music on the stereo is playing the same six bad top 50 pop songs on repeat. i'm tired for home. i'm as sober as never before - despite the margaritas which were - in case you'd like to know - strawberry margaritas. i still can't believe that nothing has happened. i mean i knew that nothing would happen, i told myself that nothing would happen but now that nothing DID happen it feels like being let down after having gathered small, secret crumbs of hope each day for the last weeks, each of it being so tiny that you'd say to yourself: "nya, it's so small, it's so tiny, it's just nothing, that's okay!" so you allowed yourself to keep them but they added up. and you hadn't figured that. Ah - you should think [and mind my almost virtuous swift switching of semantic and contextual significance of the small word "you"]  that i'm grown up now that i'm 30... my skin is greasy & i'm as "dirty as a glass roof in a train station". there are quite a lot of strange gestalten around in the station and i'm cold. it's like being in a movie, a strange, eerie movie...

[3:58]
i've made it to dortmund. got to wait an hour now for the train that will take me the rest of the way. - my shoulders are aching - verspannt. i'm quite surprised by how many people are up still|already.
[4:55]
and this might surprise you but reading early 19th century english literature by female writers that focuses on particular picturesque british landscapes is not really an easy thing to do when you've [there! he's doing it again!] been up for 23 hours. that's why i will try to get some sleep now on the way to bielefeld instead of trying to understand the curious ramblings of one mr. lockwood.
[5:23]
urgh. i'm sick. i mean sick like: i've got to throw up. suppose the hamburger and mcrib at 1:40 in the morning have been too much of a challenge to my stomach...and the movements of the train won't really help...
[october 8, 2002]
it's the most beautiful weather: i was waking up to bright sunshine at 2 in the afternoon. after i had stepped out of the shower and realized that ignoring my headache will not really make it go away i re-read last nights|mornings entry and got angry at myself for having posted that sundays' text when it all was more like - and here comes the strange part - another song that i had known for years but the this afternoon suddenly seems to make perfect sense. i suddenly realized what it was about: that it was about ME, that it was the only fitting song, that it had been there all the time but that it had taken 30 years to understand it:
And You May Find Yourself Living In A Shotgun Shack
And You May Find Yourself In Another Part Of The World
And You May Find Yourself Behind The Wheel Of A Large Automobile
And You May Find Yourself In A Beautiful House, With A Beautiful Wife
And You May Ask Yourself-Well...How Did I Get Here?

Letting The Days Go By/let The Water Hold Me Down
Letting The Days Go By/water Flowing Underground
Into The Blue Again/after The Money's Gone
Once In A Lifetime/water Flowing Underground.

And You May Ask Yourself
How Do I Work This?
And You May Ask Yourself
Where Is That Large Automobile?
And You May Tell Yourself
This Is Not My Beautiful House!
And You May Tell Yourself
This Is Not My Beautiful Wife!

Letting The Days Go By/let The Water Hold Me Down
Letting The Days Go By/water Flowing Underground
Into The Blue Again/after The Money's Gone
Once In A Lifetime/water Flowing Underground.

Same As It Ever Was...Same As It Ever Was...Same As It Ever Was...
Same As It Ever Was...Same As It Ever Was...Same As It Ever Was...
Same As It Ever Was...Same As It Ever Was...

Water Dissolving...and Water Removing
There Is Water At The Bottom Of The Ocean
Carry The Water At The Bottom Of The Ocean
Remove The Water At The Bottom Of The Ocean!

Letting The Days Go By/let The Water Hold Me Down
Letting The Days Go By/water Flowing Underground
Into The Blue Again/in The Silent Water
Under The Rocks And Stones/there Is Water Underground.

Letting The Days Go By/let The Water Hold Me Down
Letting The Days Go By/water Flowing Underground
Into The Blue Again/after The Money's Gone
Once In A Lifetime/water Flowing Underground.

And You May Ask Yourself
What Is That Beautiful House?
And You May Ask Yourself
Where Does That Highway Go?
And You May Ask Yourself
Am I Right?...Am I Wrong?
And You May Tell Yourself
MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?

Same As It Ever Was...
Same As It Ever Was...
Same As It Ever Was...
Same As It Ever Was...
Same As It Ever Was...
Same As It Ever Was...
Same As It Ever Was...
SnAnMnEnnAnSnnInTnnEnVnEnRnnWnAnSn.n.n.


best news of the day and best present this year: tara will probably come from tübingen this weekend! this - by the way - is "sponge bob", some obscure cartoon figure about whose adventures bernd kept talking about last night... before he suddenly switched into discussing practical applications of deleuze & guattari's theory of becoming molecular dogs, lines of flight and smooth and striated spaces. i think it's this abrupt change from the ridiculous to the sublime that i so love when i'm with cedric & tara, blaine or bernd.

that fucking headache became worse, even though i took an aspirin. went walking through the woods this afternoon when the sun was still out and it again felt like being under water. the air was so filled with little insects that were floating in the air rather than flying and the trees that were moving silently and slowly in the soft wind let go of the brown leaves like little fish falling to the bottom in flocks and every now and then a delicate silver net was hanging in the air. seems like i spend most parts of my life either under water or in outer space.

[october 9, 2002]
not much to report. discussed with blaine the flirting-'problem' at length today on the phone. while doing so i realized that it's a sort of gender-problem which was so irritating that blaine exclaimed: "boy! you're more gender than i am!" also talked with cedric and visited the towster-chat which was fun. went swimming & shopping. made arrangements for saturday. kati wrote. she will stay the night. was tempted for a moment again to switch the 'you'-registers...it's 00:59 meantime and i know that you know that i am here...
[october 10, 2002]
oh boy i'm in hell! went shopping today with my sister for the party on saturday and now the kitchen is stuffed with delicious things like chocolate and chips and i know that i will not be able to resist their call. 'ere this night is over i will be sick...

not much more to report. cleaned the apartment. went shopping, oh, i've said this before. did the laundry. very domestic day... opened a box of chocolate. i knew it!

[october 11, 2002]
worked on the review. went shopping the last things for tomorrow night. went to rehearsal: we had a strange sound because somebody had taken all the cymbals so we only had the toms, bass drum and snare: a very dry sound. after rehearsal i went directly to the swimming hall. now i'm pretty tired. "they take a bite of you, they chew you, they roll you round and round on their tongue, they savour you, they suck you, they taste you and take you in, then swallow you, digest you & let you down again" listened to that sundays song on repeat for hours.
[october 12, 2002]
it's 2 in the morning. everybody's left. kati is sleeping in the room next door. i'm lying in the kitchen on the floor on the mattress - indigo girls singing softly. when tara & cedric said good-bye they were standing in the door to my flat, the cold air coming in from the corridor and i realized that i wanted to come with them that i did not want to stay here where are you?i'm tired.
[october 13, 2002]
[later]
scheiss tag. bad day. went swimming. mail from eva [cologne]. sie meint, ich sei fatalistisch. ich weiss nicht. ich glaube nicht. aber ich glaube immer, das glück wird mich schon von alleine finden, so wie das unglück mich ja auch gefunden hat. warten auf das wunder. waiting for the miracle to come. wie unica. like leonard. blaine said i must be more active. but how to find you? if not by your singing? it's already one at night. actually i wanted to go to cologne tomorrow - i'm so wide awake. there's so much i want to travel to. there's so much i want to do. but i don't want to do it alone. that's the point.
[october 14, 2002]
slept for 10 hours straight. bad, bad dreams: she was wearing my turtle neck sweater and we were driving in the cologne underground and all the ten hours of dreams i knew that i had lost her.  headache.
[later]
have been talking to people on the phone all day long: to blaine and to nadine and i learned that there was a staff meeting in cologne today and i wasn't there. ARRGH! but i didn't know it, they noticed people only a couple of days ago and i hadn't been in cologne since last monday. anyway, i've packed my things for tomorrow. blaine urged me again today to finally move to cologne. he said i could not postpone it any longer. maybe he's right. but i'm so tired, and there's so little time and i want to do so much and it seems like a waste of time and energy to hunt for a flat and then have all the fucking packing and carrying and all over again. i'm just sick of it. anyway, if you should know of a nice apartment in colgne that's for rent please let me know. thanks!

the party on saturday was strange - but then eva (from cologne) said that the own parties always feel strange. it was fun, daniel was entertaining everybody with anecdotes and cedric and tara helped me to do the cooking which worked quite fine. got great presents: a morrissey and a unica zürn poster and a great edition of zürn's "das haus der krankheiten". today is my sister's birthday, so happy birthday!

[later]
you know, sometimes it's just like today and you realize how close you've been yesterday to doing something really, really stupid. it's terrible to become aware that i was THAT close to dump all ideas of dignity, pride and reason and almost almost almost had picked up the phone and dialed a number. it's strange and sad how close a low on the mood-o-meter and the idea that dialing that number would improve ANYthing are connected. still. yet.
[later]
it's half past ten, still raining. little endless threads of water, very nice, they won't stop, sort of repeating themselves over and over again. the cars make strange noises driving over the wet streets. i'm holding paula's white, soft teddy, pretending it was your head and your hair that i'm touching. this is a nice game. and i'm wondering whether anybody can feel this now on her head, on her hair that i'm wandering with the tips of my fingers across the polyester fibers as tenderly as i can. the bear has a small pink sticker sewed on the left side of it's chest where the heart is that says "LOVE LAND". this just as a little aside. i don't really have to write anything. anyway, not anything that i hadn't written before in those words or others. got to get up early tomorrow so i'll go to bed now. this is all so absurd that i can hardly believe that i'm part of it. i wonder when i'll be waking. it's just that there's so much to do and i'm tired of sleeping. isn't there anything that can change your mind? i can't accept that. i don't think that i could cope with having to accept that. you see, dear reader, we're back where we've started, you and me. full circle. perfect circle. i'd gladly replace you with any other object of desire. only - there isn't any in sight. i've tried, but i did not really work. paula's teddy is lookin at me with its sparkling, black button-eyes full of pity. it's got more sense than i have. weather: still raining.  mood-o-meter: 2.1. random zürn quote of the day: "Doch die Nacht vergeht und niemand erscheint."
[october 15, 2002]
it's 20:37 and i'm sitting in the office. i've picked two videos that i'm gonna watch now: waiting for godot and north by northwest. i'll sleep in the office tonight and every next tuesday. had the first session of the seminar today - was quite nice. we have 37 participants. the room is crowded. tomorrow will be the next session and after that i'll go back home and on the way from station to my flat i will go swimming. it's quite on the corridors. im hungry. went to the cafeteria with blaine and andreas tonight but that didn't really satisfy me. the vending machines in the hall are all broken :-(( there seems to be so little sense tonight, very strange, some spooky feeling of randomness.
[later]
uh, just perfect. been watching north by northwest and just when the last ten minutes started the video tape started to rewind itself - the end of the film is missing. great! anyway, think i'm going to sleep now.
[october 16, 2002]
hmm.. actually i can think of better ways to spend the night. it was rather cold [the central heating is turned down over night and i only have a pretty short blanket] and short [at 6:30 the cleaningwomen are starting their rounds]. the seminar will start at three this afternoon, so there are many many hours ahead to be nervous and tired. bad thoughts. no poetry.

i'm still wondering what had happened last weekend. i hadn't not felt so bad and fucked up for months. very strange. maybe it's because fall is approaching.

[later]
okay, the seminar is over - it went okay. a couple of black outs when i couldn't think of the english word and had to rephrase the sentence. and a couple of times when i was just rambling along, losing all connection to my concept and my notes that i was clutching like they could save my life. we have about 40 participants now - which is okay. most of them are friendly and nice - some make frowning faces and look hostile - but we'll keep ignoring them. i'm gonna get back to bielefeld now. if i catch the train at a quarter past six i will be in bielefeld at nine and since the swimming hall is open until ten during school-break (which is right now) i can jump into the water on the way from the station to my flat. i'm terribly relieved now that the course is over.

made a couple of photos in cologne of blaine and eva and s., maybe i will post a selection here when they are developed.

[october 17, 2002]
we obviously have a couple of clowns in our seminar. we're going to discuss frankenstein, wuthering heights, dracula and the picture of dorian gray. and one girl asked: "excuse me, is it enough if i watch the films instead of reading the novels...?" and a boy asked me after class: "excuse me, could you tell me who wrote the novels so i can order them." and he added "...not all of the novels, two is enough for a start..." bought a frame today for the great unica zürn poster. i've made a couple of photos of my flat so hopefully when they are developed i can offer you a virtual tour through my apartment ;-) phoned all day long again. first with blaine then with cedric for oneandahalf hour. thomas mailed. asked if he had forgotten my birthday. eva [cologne] sent a rather honest mail that oscillated between being angry and aggressive.
[october 18, 2002]
met with eve [bielefeld] today, she gave me a copy of The Hollow Earth as a birthday present :o) we fixed a date to finally visit the jeff koons exhibition! wanted to go swimming after rehearsal but it was too crowded. i'm sitting in my cozy little room now (it's freezingly cold outside) drinking a cappuccino and listening to helge schneider. rehearsal went well tonight, we all were in a pretty good mood and tried "the pilot" - but we need an additional guitar or a keyboard. worked on the review and asked thomas if i can send it over to him when it's finished so he can have a look at it and make some corrections if necessary. will meet nadine this weekend. got to start preparing the lecture for december. thought about compiling a cd for eve with "angry" songs - we've been discussing anger recently and she said that she couldn't really imagine me being angry and that she thought that i should start being angry finally. that's what blaine thinks as well. and cedric, too.
[october 19, 2002]
oh boy! just got the photos! horrible! about one third of them are underexposed. another third is overexposed. the rest are really really scary! there's only one photo that i've made in cologne, and about 300.000 of nadine. but those of my kitchen are quite nice so if you click here you can see images of my flat.
[later]
went swimming. sort of finished the review. well, sort of. found a great backing voice for the verse of "nerve's end" - got to tape it though. rediscovered BLUMFELD. the other week when i was talking to blaine he mentioned that he has a new mp3 search engine installed - don't ask me which one. "it's great!" he said "i typed in 'blumfeld' and i got a thousand hits. i even found the dj kotze [which, in german, means as much as dj puke] remix of 'tausend tränen tief'" and i couldn't believe it! i mean the man has the possibility to download each and every blumfeld song and he chooses a remix of "tausend tränen tief" - it's like you had the possibility to choose from everything kafka had ever written - and you go for his shopping list! it's depressing! anyway, i listened to my best of blumfeld compilation today. haven't done so for private reasons for almost a year. great songs!
[october 20, 2002]
wanted to go swimming this noon - obviously quite a popular idea because it was way too crowded to even get your body wet. so i returned home and went walking instead. i'm back home now and still got an hour until i'll meet nadine and we'll go out and have dinner. thought i spent this hour having a coffee [yes, i started drinking coffee - well at least cappuccino. well at least these instant pulverized sweet "just-add-hot-water" stuff you get at the aldi] and online journaling. finally finished the review. it's 3.5 pages now. boy! what a buzz i've been making about 3.5 pages. and i am supposed to write a dissertation! what a laugh!

musical archaeology: rediscovered gene today. listened to them while i was walking through the woods. and i realized that sometimes music embodies much better what you feel for certain people [don't think that i'm talking about those that would be most obvious] but you know i think it's more abstract, it's a notion of beauty that you can apply to many people, well, not many but more than one - i'm rambling, sorry. but you know, it's that very delicate and delicious taste you can get of a person who is just beautiful - either because she is attractive or because she means so much for you or even both and you know it would take a thousand words and more to describe this feeling that makes you radiate inside and forces a smile onto your face. but from time to time you find something that is the perfect metaphor, the perfect signifier, the perfect exchange: and today i realized that it's the piano in gene's "olympian" that drops down like single pearls of rain at 2m 28s when the chorus sets in and it does, it does force a smile onto my face. i was even almost laughing out loudly when i heard it for the first time in what? a year, two years? when i was walking through the autumn leaves. like somebody had made a bomb explode inside your belly, inside your lung.

by the way, here are the tracks for the "anger" cd i've compiled for eva:

lotion: la boost | david byrne: miss america | gene: truth, rest your head | pj harvey: the whores hustle | kristin hersh: me & my charms | morrissey: alma matters | blumfeld: superstarfighter | 10,000 maniacs: stockton gala days | the blue aeroplanes: my hurricane | the cardigans: sick & tired | leonard cohen: avalanche (the live version from i think 1995) | gene: does he have a name | radiohead: just | indigo girls: touch me fall | sylvia plath: daddy | simon & garfunkel: you don't know where your interest lies | the nerve bible: kleine worte | paul simon: the cool, cool river
[later] it's 2:30 in the morning, i'm just back from walking nadine home. we've killed a whole bottle of sherry. well, i have. when i came walking up the street from her to mine house the other minute the streets were glistening: the lights from the lamps were reflected in the puddles and the wet street and while i was strolling under the rows of old oak trees that are planted along the avenue i was listening to  the live version of gene's "london can you wait" and just when the great last part started the wind grew stronger and hundreds of shimmering leaves were floating to the ground silently: like weightless rain, like snowflakes. "i was having the time of my life so why did you have to die i'm lost again oh i was having the time of my life so why did you have to die i'm lost again i'm lost again i am lost again..." sometimes my life is a videoclip.
[october 21, 2002]
sort of lost day. listened all day long (and still do) to blumfeld's "pro familia" - not so much for the lyrics as for the general mood. great song! cedric stopped by for a coffee and we wrote a mail to the harald schmidt show. eckhard schumacher (my former boss) has published a very favorable essay on schmidt in the new merkur and since the critique on schmidt and his show in the theater heute was acknowledged with so much excitement we thought that the schmidt show team would be interested eckhard's text. so we sent a mail - from my walter siegmeister mail-account :o)

worked a little bit on "the little lighthouse", but it's not really working as i thought it should. i had planned to make it sort of laurie andersonish but it just doesn't sound good when i'm doing this kind of talk-singing. thought about a mood that is like "tightrope" (this month's song of the month) - but then i was influenced by listening to "pro familia" all the time and jochen is doing talk-singing as well on this track and it sounds so effortlessly and - well - just "natural". i don't know. i should have worked more on the songs this weekend. jack hardy said that you've got to write a song every week...

ate only cookies today that i bought for meeting with cedric but i bought too much and he wouldn't want to take home any.

[october 22, 2002]
the seminar went okay. i'm pretty tired. went to bed rather early but couldn't get to sleep then. obviously have trouble concentrating. wanted to send a mail to blaine the other minute asking him whether he has the german version of "rhizome" by deleuze&guattari since i couldn't find it in the library. but the moment i hit the "send"-button i realized that something was wrong. i had activated the "reply" function and not the "new message" function and thus the mail was addressed to undertow. so i sent the following mail to suzanne vega:
Betreff: Re: about the virus i sent
Datum: Tue, 22 Oct 2002 15:51:34 +0200
Von: Philipp Hofmann <philipp.hofmann@uni-koeln.de>
An: undertow@vega.net

schatzi,

hast du eine deutsche version von deleuze & guattaris "rhizome"., der
einleitung zu 1000plateaus?

--
Philipp Hofmann
wiss. Hilfskraft
philipp.hofmann@uni-koeln.de
Universität  zu  Köln / Englisches Seminar
Albertus-Magnus-Platz / 50923 Köln
http://www.uni-koeln.de/phil-fak/englisch/berressem/hofmann/index.htm

*sigh* downloaded a couple of songs while working on the translation of some hollow earth essays. also downloaded natalie merchant's "kind and generous" which is blasting through the cheap pc speakers now, bathing the office into cold, bright sun light. great song. great lyrics. should have included it onto the "anger" cd.
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
Mm, You've been so kind and generous
I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you
For your selflessness, my admiration
For everything you've done, you know I'm bound,
I'm bound to thank you for it....
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
You've been so kind and generous,
I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you
And I never could have come this far without you
For everything you've done, you know I'm bound,
I'm bound to thank you for it....
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
Oh, I want to thank you for so many gifts you gave,
with love and tenderness,
I want to thank you
I want to thank you for your generosity,
The love, and the honesty that you gave me
I want to thank you, show my gratitude, my love and my respect for you,
I wanna thank you
Oh I want to thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[october 23, 2002]

hmpf, the month's already passed. met with andreas, wolfgang & blaine yesterday night. surreal moment: we were doing a game and you had to enumerate words according to special tasks and one task was: "animals that are smaller than an ant". and somehow i could only come up with two [but then it had been almost one in the morning...] namely: "midget-ant" and "atom wolf". no, i don't know what exactly an "atom wolf" is. but i had this word inside my head and i couldn't think of anything else... didn't have enough sleep. music: laurie anderson. very softly, weightlessly even, hardly a melody, hardly a voice, hardly a rhythm, vibrating at my wavelength exactly. simple words. simple images. not even a single metaphor and still it's the picture of a perfect moment. mammpmemrmfmemcmtmmmmommmemnmtm. "A summer night the hot the heat | Sit at my desk fluorescent light | Drawing a picture of a perfect moment | I saw it once on a grand avenue | That stretched into the distance | And you and I were walking there | Lost in the moment | Life on a string | Life on a string | Some people know exactly where they're going | The pilgrims to Mecca | The climbers to the mountaintop | But me, I'm just looking | For just a single moment | so I can slip through time | life on a string | life on a string..." got to prepare the seminar now. see you.
[later]
you know, some mornings are special mornings are mornings that are almost frozen in time. i've just been sitting with nicole in the cafeteria having a cappucino and all the people were moving around us in slow motion cutting through the sunbeams that were piercing the room like opaque glass bars and all the coffeecups were steaming and i was dreaming and the bitter sweet taste on my tongue felt like marbles or like pebbels and it was perfectly silent except for the melody of "life on a string" that was echoing in me, transforming me in a strange way: a dignification that made me infinitely valuable: my skin smooth porcelaine, the bones silver and tender and every movement was a dance and i the eighth world wonder.
[later]
unfortunately the seminar was less sublime. i stuttered like a robot with a linguistic short circuit. gonna take the train now and return to b. maybe i'll go swimming tonight.
[october 24, 2002]
woke up from bad, hyperreal dreams - no depiction of content to avoid lamentation ;-) thomas sent the corrected version of the review. less mistakes than i had expected. eve and i have finally fixed a date to see the jeff koons exhibition! she wrote and said that she really liked the new songs. she even commented that she thought they were sort of angry at times, almost aggressive. now i'm listening to laurie anderson, having a coffee and eating the gingerbread that cedric refused to take home with him on monday...
[later]
just went swimming. walked home with wet hair. yellow moon. gene on the md: melody is the key! realized that i had heard the wrong words all the time. it's "i CAN supply" and not "i CAN'T supply" I'm drunk for your love | Speed into my life | Speak to me now | Just speak to me someone | For I know your taste | And I can supply tried to work on "the little lighthouse" but it's much more difficult than i thought. but i see, you're asking yourself: "hm, what great song might he be working on? we wish he would at least post the lyrics which - without doubt - are exceptionally good again..." okay! your wish is my command. here are the words. i might change them slightly depending on how the music will turn out. but the basic images are found:
the little lighthouse

sometimes i wish
i could talk to you in capitals
because you know they're so much BIGGER
and sometimes things are just
too good to be true
and as bizarre as the photo in which
marilyn is reading joyce
and as paradox as the race
between achilles and the tortoise
just like that dream you have
of a perfect life
without a reason to hide
without a reason to write

your eyes are filled with fear
that you have known before
that out of the dark ocean
sharks will jump upon the shore
 - but good things never end

i keep wearing my 'nerve bible' t-shirt here,
halfway between heaven & my memory
here, where i keep a candle burning
in my window every night
here, in the little lighthouse
for a ship that went down long ago
sunken with torn sail
and crushed by a whale

your eyes are filled with fear
that you know from your past
that on the way from hand to mouth
god will fall into the dust
- but good things never end

see what i mean? good lyrics but hard to sing. cedric called this afternoon. he had good news that i can't really write about here. but i was really happy for him - in fact i'm not even sure whether he realizes how good the news are. yes, "sometimes things are just too good to be true".
[october 25, 2002]
hm, hope this isn't becoming a routine: almost same dreams as yesterday. no rehearsal today. i should use the time then to work on the new songs! by the way: if you haven't checked it out yet here's the link to the brilliant "200 lurkers" page where you can download free mp3s of the songs!
[later]
rained all day. listened to laurie anderson all day. mailed thomas. worked on "nerve's end". got a new desktop-image. went swimming. thought more about "nerve's end" while swimming from left to right and from right to left in the neon light. it's stormy outside. but mild. it's up to you whether you read this as a metaphor. no new messages on server. the 'tow is exceptionally quiet during the last couple of days... gonna have another cappuccino now. did you think this was the way your world would end? this is so great: just a single keyboard doing a basic chord pattern and some noises that are added and a great melody. it sounds so simple. and if this is the work of an angry god. i want to look into his angry face. come with us into the mountains.
hombres.
sailors.
comrades.
[october 26, 2002]
it's night again. went swimming. now: cappuccino. lovely routine. worked on "nerves end". bloody drums. no way this will work. the song will have to work without drums. need to add some keyboard. found backing vocals. visited my sister who's in hospital today. she had an operation yesterday: the bones in her inner ear weren't growing the way they're supposed to, so they had to replace them with artificial ones. actually it was quite a complicated operation: half of her face could have stayed paralyzed since the nerves are running along those bones quite closely and they had to remove some tissue that had already been infected. it didn't went 100 percent all right: they had to damage a tastebud to remove the infection and now she can't taste anything anymore in the left side of her mouth|tongue. but the doctors said that she'd get used to it very soon. all this made me thinking of how silently big changes can come. how frightingly inconspicuously. very quietly things happen just like that and suddenly you realize how fragile systems are - especially human systems. things happen in an undramatic way and they can change so much so radically so fast. like my sister's face could have been paralyzed. and she does have a very lovely face. like that tumor they detected in my mother's breast a couple of month ago which fortunately could be removed. like her pace maker. like rob's heart which suddenly refused to work any longer out of weariness or defiance or god knows why. terrible irreversible things can happen and then it's too late to talk to you again, too late to come to terms with you, too late to see you again. i always think that there will come another time - a time to make peace. to straighten things out. to imagine that anything will happen that might prevent this is horrible.
[october 27, 2002]
"in bielefeld. on sunday. no traffic on the avenue. the streets are cold and wet - like you. no sound down in this part of town..." listened to the laurie anderson live cd while dressing and i realized that she's playing "slip away" right after "o superman" which and since i think that there is a certain "concept" and order of songs this would be another strong argument for my suspicion that "o superman" is a song about death.

gonna meet with eve in an hour to see the jeff koons exhibition. realized that not only the drums for "nerves end" aren't working: the bass sounds crap as well. considering to buy myself a bass. reiner had one last week which only was about 100 euros. "only". random stein quote of the day: "Eine Veränderung, eine endgültige Veränderung schliesst Kartoffeln ein. Das ist keine Vollmacht für den Missbrauch von Käse. Welche Sprache kann irgendeinen Menschen instruieren" [from tender buttons]

[later]
okay, obviously there's something very spooky going on! first of all it might surprise you to learn that the trams in bielefeld are on a different schedule on sundays than they are on the other days of the week. that's why was standing in the underground at 11:27 when i should meet eve at the museum at 11:25. mental note: check the schedule carefully! the exhibition was cool. i met sarg magemüller - and after we had exchanged some polite "how are you" sentences we stood there in front of those hyperreal gigantic jeff koons paintings and we did not know what to say. for something like an eternity we stood there in silence and the camera was circling around us around and around. awkward. suppose the both of us are not the biggest socializer... but the biggest surprise was that i uncovered a secret which i'm not sure i was supposed to find out. so i'm waiting for the agents of the art world to knock on my door and kill me every minute before i can blast out the secret into cyberspace. luckily if you're reading this you'll know that they haven't succeeded. i discovered that JEFF KOONS IS ROLAND KAISER AND ROLAND KAISER IS JEFF KOONS!!!!! judge for yourself:
wanted to go swimming but then started to watch some comedy with steve martin which was pretty entertaining. and besides it is storming outside like it has never stormed before. they said on the news the other minute that people should stay in their houses so they won't get hit by parts of trees or debris that's flying around. favorite song of the day: the great, aggressive live version of laurie's "poison": It was one of those black cat nights The moon had gone out and the air was thin It was the kind of night that the cat would drag in. I'll never forget it, we had a fight. Then you turned around turned on the light. You left our bed. Then you moved downstairs to live with her instead. Yeah just one floor and a shout away, I guess I should have moved but I decided to stay. Did I drink some poison that I don't remember now? And every night I open all the windows I let a cold dark wind blow through. I play loud organ music and I talk to myself and dream of you. Uh oh! I hear voices coming up through the pipes through all the springs in my bed and up through the lights The volume goes up then it drops back down I can hear the two of you playing records moving furniture and fooling around. Did I drink some poison that I don't remember now? Is there blood on my hands No, my hands are clean. Did I do something in another lifetime that was really really mean? Yeah, I'm hearing voices. Am I losing my mind? Think I'm going craz, I gotta get out. I run into the street and I start to shout Get ou of my way! Get out! Get out! Did I drink some poison that I don't remember now? Is there blood on my hands? Did I do something in another lifetime that was really really mean? A small bullet, a piece of glass And your heart just grows around it. the last line was of course the inspiration for that line in "bitter" that goes "und mein Herz / wächst um den Schmerz/ wie eine Perle". recorded a new bass for "nerve's end" and some more backing voices. still got to mix all the tracks - which will be more complicated than i'd thought.
[october 28, 2002]
boy - what a night. the storm was raging without end i kept dreaming about saving the world fighting against aliens. now it's all quiet outside - a couple of cars are driving by slowly and the church bells are ringing softly, coffee steaming. or - as helge schneider would have put it: "it's just another magic monday..."

hey! got a new filled-out questionnaire. which reminds me to remind you about the feedback form which you will find by clicking on "talk back" in the menu on the left. you will also find the answers there that have been submitted by now.

realized that the lid of my left eye has started twitching again. i think it started about a year ago when suddenly i had these small cramps that you really cannot control. it's starting in the most unexpected situations: not when i'm stressed or nervous but usually when i'm quite relaxed and calm. i'm not sure whether one can actually see it but it feels very strange because i'm not used to deal with reactions of my body that are beyond control.

when i was looking out of the kitchen window the other minute i thought: 'something is different...' it was so light and so clear and there was so much sky, just a lot of sky. and then i realized that the storm had blown away all the leaves that had still been hanging on the trees and they were all bare now, hardly visible against the clouds and the houses across the street...

[later]
hm. hm. hm. well. hm. "nerves end" does not really sound like it should. very strange. every single track in itself sounds great. but if you play them together it's not really, well, i don't know... the drums are missing. definitely. real drums. i guess i will continue working on it when i'm back from cologne - with more distance. got to pack my things now. talk to you tomorrow after the seminar. feeling the frustration gnawing on my leg. need to get to sleep soon before it has reached my neck. good night.
[october 29, 2002]
i'm sitting on the train to cologne - shot at least three full length noe-realistic movies last night, two of them horror films. strange evening yesterday. fell asleep to 'love among the sailors' which was plaing on repeat. just read an old term paper that i wrote four years ago. i didn't recognized a single sentence. And what's worse - i did not understand a single word! really impressive - i don't think my brain will ever work this quickly again...
[later]
the seminar went well. today's topic: drama. tomorrow: poetry. went having lunch with blaine, eva, ute and others afterwards. this afternoon coffee with eva, blaine, s. and martin. tonight: dinner with blaine in the cafeteria. it's 17:24 now and completely dark outside. eva was sitting oposite to me when we were having lunch and she was pronging a gnocchi with her fork and raised her eyes to look at me and she asked me with a voice that was so soft that it almost drowned within the white noise of plates and knives and forks around us: so, how are you? and i was too afraid to answer.
[later]
talked to cedric on the phone - which was good to get distracted from the most gloomy thoughts that darkened the skies of my thinking. he he. watched "the tempest" - some great lines in there:
This music crept by me upon the waters,
Allaying both their fury and my passion
With its sweet air: thence I have follow'd it,
Or it hath drawn me rather.
headache. heartache. downloaded a couple of anderson songs which i don't know yet. will go to sleep now.
[october 30, 2002]
quiet night. rainy morning. though about yesterday's situation in the cafeteria, the fact that i preferred to say nothing at all when actually i should have answered something like: "you know, yesterday night was really bad for whatever funny reasons..." the obvious question is of course: am i feeling what i describe or am i describing what i'm feeling...

i've just started to listen to the anderson songs i downloaded and a track called "dog show" started and although it is only 48 seconds long it blew my mind away: most intense bodily reactions: sweat and goosflesh and a strange aching in my skull. it was like i'd been smacked right into the face with a baseball bat made of pure beauty.

imagine some diffuse noises, unordered, almost music but not quite, and the voice of a little girl is saying:

I dreamed I was a dog in a dog show. And my father came to the dog show and he said, "Look! That's a
really good dog, I like that dog." And then all my friends came and I was thinking no one has ever looked at me like this for so long. No one has ever starred at me like this for such a long time. For so long. For such a long time. For so long.
then the scene from last wednesday morning repeated itself: nicole dropped in and asked me if i wanted to join her for a coffee and we were sitting in the cafeteria and although there was no sun that song or the idea or the concept or the lyrics or the music was radiating within me and the only thing i wanted to do was to rush home and to DO things as beautiful.
[later]
just ordered the anderson 4 cds box-set "united states" for 69 euros.
[later]
i'm back from the seminar. went fine. got myself all powdered up in chalk. which is rather a fashion-disadvantage when you're wearing black jeans and a black sweater. we've got a little "get together" now because tillman has given his habillitation talk.
[later]
i'm on the train reading a script of anderson's "nerve bible" performance and it's moving one cold shower after the next over my skin, the fine brown hair on my arms is burning, frizzling, stretching into the air as if i was charged with some mighty current. my eyes are aching, stinging from the fine white chalk dust i've been standing in from three to fourthirty. how can a voice be healing and hurting at the same time? first it opens me like a surgical knife and i think everyone can look directly into my chest. the wings of my lungs are folded to the sides and i can feel the cold air coming streaming in and filling the inside, my inside filled with outside but at the same time the voice is suturing me, is wrapped around me like a coat, a soft fur, a warm, brown blanket. and i just wish i could make somebody feel the same way. and every morning when i awake i think things like: what am i going to do today? each morning i'm waiting. each sunset. each beep of the alarm clock. i'm waiting to begin. but i don't know what. i want to DO something. i'm waking up running: my legs so fast that you only see a blur. i'm waking up running with my arms clenched to my chest tightly, my breath strong and regular. i'm waking up running but my feet won't touch the ground. work = force x way. 20:21 and i'm running, rotating restlessly. inner city christmas decorations. green bill gates sweater. empty seats. frameless glasses. tenderness running into a void. a stretching without aim. detached lights like stars stuck on sticks. my skin glistening in the window. an aching border. my eyelid is dancing, sending signals i do not understand. maybe a code for the other eye to tell it where to look at. thinking about tara in tübingen, blaine in cologne, cedric in herford and that we all are so far away and me in-between. places & the music & the words & the university. you can't go somewhere without leaving behind where you've been. YOU have realized this. i wish my feet would touch the ground. i'll have to grow or to cut the strings that hold me in midair. abenteuer menschlichkeit. come with us into the mountains. hombres. sailors. comrades. here's a piece from laurie's "nerve bible" performance that made me graps for air like a fish caught in a traincar full of strangers:
Trip to Tibet

You know, I just wanted to say something at this point and it's about the reason I've been talking about all of these dead people. And the reason for this is a trip that I took recently to Tibet. And I went there to look at a lake way up in the Himalayas. And this lake is in an extremely remote part of Tibet. And, when the Dalai Lama dies, a lot of lamas travel to this lake to look at it, because, written in code on the surface of the water, somehow, are instructions for finding the new Dalai Lama. For example, there would be a certain sign on the water for the word "west" and another for the word "gate," and another for "dusty road." And so, that's how they would find the new Dalai Lama. They would look in western Tibet and they would find a gate and at the end of this dusty road there would be a little boy playing and this would be the incarnation of the Dalai Lama. Now, being a somewhat suspicious person, I wanted to see this lake and get a look at the huge xenon projectors hidden around on the hermit caves that might explain this phenomenon. So, there were 12 of us trekking, plus 8 sherpas and 27 yaks. And, we set off into the mountains and we got really lost. And we weren't really prepared for how far it was going to be or how cold it was going to be. And, so, we would get up every morning and we would drink this coffee with yak butter, you know, it was snowing and freezing and we would start to walk. And, then, at about 22,000 feet I got altitude sickness that just wouldn't go away. And for days I had a fever of 104, you know, 20 Advil a day. And I was convinced that my head had been sliced open. And, so, when the other trekkers tried to help me, you know, rummaging around in the oxygen equipment, I kept thinking, how nice of them to be pretending to look for something to help me and not even mentioning that my head has been sliced wide open. So, anyway, finally, these headaches went away. And all I heard for days were bells and the horizon was doing some great pulsating gold patterns and then wild stripes. And, we finally reached the lake. But by that point, I couldn't really see much of anything except these gold lights. And that night, because I found out later, the leader had gotten a group together and said, we have to be prepared for the fact that she's going to die tonight, meaning me. So, that night, they sent me down in a body bag, strapped to a donkey, with a sherpa guide and another American trekker and some oxygen equipment. And I just kept slipping in and out of consciousness. So, I said to this other trekker, you know, listen, can you just keep talking to me because I just keep, you know, going away. And this trekker was a really strong guy but very shy. He hardly said anything the whole trip. But he started to talk and he talked non-stop for 3 days. You know, look at the gorse over there, look at the frozen yak turds, look at the stars. And I remember that voice pulling on me like it was a long, thin line. Just a single voice. And, that's how I held on. His voice was a rope, repelling me down. And, that's why I'm telling you this because maybe you know what it's like to be saved this way. Just by the sound of another person's voice. And, so, that's what happened to me and I just thought I should explain it to you.

[october 31, 2002]

i am seriously worried about whether i will ever be able to write a line of literary criticism again. tried to write a couple of sentences today for my dissertation so that i can show something to thomas when he's back in germany in three weeks. but i just kept starring onto the screen and my mind was completely blank and i had all those anderson lines and melodies in my head and THAT is what i want to do and i don't know where this leads to.
[later]
hm. well. hm. guess what i've managed to record. ... exactly. as much as i managed to add to my dissertation.  but tomorrow is another day. thought about some sonar sounds and that the chord pattern that i have right now is too restless. maybe i'll use a drum-sample from suzanne's "rosemary".