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[may 01, 2005 - it's not exactly what you see | not exactly what you think...]
sunday morning. the sun is shining and the empty page sort of scares me. i don't want to make this another complaining-months again!
went to the gym, then had a coffee in a bar and corrected term papers. on friday jenny told me about a conversation she overheard  while i was setting up the projector for thomas' deleuze lecture last monday:
student 1: you see that guy up front?
student 2: the tall one with the dark hair?
student 1: yes. he's cute.
student 2: you know what?! i was in a seminar he gave!
student 1: really? he's already a professor?
student 2: yeah! krass, oder?
it's been a beautiful day: lots of sun and summer temperatures. i wanted to write something, but i forgot what. the other day i was collecting money for a birthday present for nadine (not the one from bielefeld but my new colleague). it's her birthday on wednesday and she will get an amazon gift certificate, as everybody does in our department. so annemarie (our secretary) ordered it via the internet and i was in charge of collecting money. and i already had most of it put in an envelop when thomas came storming into the office: "what's up?" he asked me and i said "i've just been collecting the money for nadine!" and he said: "really? do you have a euro coin in there" and he pointed at the envelop. "i guess so" i said and before i could do anything thomas had poured all the change he carried in his pockets on the desktop: 5 cents, ten cents, 20 cents. and then he took the envelop and exchanged the euro coins with his small change. "you can't do this!" i was protesting but then he's the boss and he can do whatever he wants to do. so the next day i went to annemarie (her office is next to thomas' and they're connected by a door which was open and i heard thomas typing on his new powerbook in his office). "so, annemarie..." i said when i came in "...did you get the gift certificate for nadine?" "yes" she said "it should arrive via mail any day now." "because i've got the money here!" i said and shook the envelop which was heavy with thomas' small change. "well" annemarie said "i've paid it with thomas' credit card so you have to give the money to him..." so i went into thomas' office and said "hey, i've got something for you..." he was just moaning loudly :o)

new favorite song on repeat: "not exactly" from rainbirds, one of the most underrated german bands ever. great song: perfect uplifting, confident, summer like, devil-may-care, sing along pop.

I am sad alright | But what a waste of time | I held you much too close | And now there`s something missing
But I can`t see the empty space | Something else has taken place

I am sad alright | But what a waste of tears | I held you much too close | And now there`s someone missing
She is gone without a trace | Just the expression on her face:
What a waste

I am sad alright | But what a waste of breath | I`m only talking to relieve | Although there`s noone listening
He is gone without a trace | Just the expression on his face:
Who`s to blame?

There`s a flame and a fire and a body burning up | And a bird on a shape made of steel
He keeps on singing

It`s not exactly what you think
Not exactly what you see
Not exactly what you`ve learned
And what you will be learning

[may 2, 2005 - i turn my face to from wherever the wind blows]

mood-o-meter: 0.45. lower than usual. how can you miss so completely and totally. it seems like everything in me, every level, every sense, is inclined toward this emotion.
i don't know what i'm proving by writing this. i don't knwo what i want to achieve by writing this. called the princess' number in a panic to keep me from dialing x.'s number. not good. not good. not good. there's something rising up inside like a sickness, only that it's deeper and heavier. tonight i'm putting together a cd for paula. i promised her to send some music. most of it makes me sad, though. i'm so really missing her.

"the tv screen is is lighting up my room, the film has ended
 every inch of my skin is crying for your hands

 you've got me slightly disappointed
 just a bit and just enough
 to keep me up another night
 waiting for


got an order for two 200 lurkers cds today. the colloquium went well. we talked about my text and there didn't seem to be any major problems with it. we'll continue next week. fuck. fuck. fuck. this is nothing like i'd hoped it to be. "gonna dig a coal mine | climb down deep inside | where my shadow's got one place to go, one place to hide" wish i could hide myself from me. fuck.

[may 3, 2005 - you get so wet you'll never dry again]
my bedrain today. had to take the underground which got stuck in the tunnel. then i had to wait 20 minutes when i changed trains. was pissed by the time i got to the office. seminar didn't go very well: i was unconcentrated, the topic was of no interest to me (drama) and my english was hilarious. in the afternoon i fell asleep at my desk. paula's dog is very ill and might have to be put to sleep. i'm really worried and wish i could be with her. tomorrow we'll have the official farewell party for princess superstar and achim which i'm really looking forward to. also it's nadine's birthday so we have three reasons to get drunk.

got a comment via the feedback form today:

COMMENTS = The truth is self-pity has never been of much help to anybody. Call me Alétheia.
that's probably right. but the question then is, of course: what *does* help? went to the gym in the evening. i think the most non-self-pity song i can imagine is joni mitchell's "hejira". listened to it on the stepper. made me burning skin and icy spine. wanted to write another song myself. now it's 22:34 and i'm tired and worn out from coupling my body to the machine and the music.

had an irritating moment today when we were designing the program for the conference and we were all looking at the final version that i was holding in my hands and suddenly nadine - who is a very tactile person, even more tactile than princess superstar - was leaning against my shoulder and while she was pointing to the sheet of paper and commenting on the lay-out, she was right next to my face and i realized that she is using the same perfume that x. had used. suddenly this semi-familiar smell was all around me and it was almost like a vortex that whirled me into a parallel time and space for a second. very irritating.

there's a thunderstorm over the city and it has started to rain like mad. the drops are tap dancing on the balcony and it's a soothing sound. the rain outside makes my little room seem more comfortable and cozy. my bed is already made and i'm going to sneak under the blanket soon and listen to the weather outside and fall asleep. listened to this one rainbirds song that i've downloaded the whole night. i don't even know the name. must be a very late on, from their fourth album. it's sort of manic, very intense. okay, it's almost midnight and i need to get some sleep now. the more i'm turning down the lights the more rain and music mix. i hate experiencing things like that on my own. need to get myself a new girlfriend. "you will get so wet, you'll never dry again!"

[may 4, 2005 - we're only particles of change | i know, i know | orbiting around the sun | but how can i have this point of view | when i'm always bound and tied to someone?]
was out with my little ersatz-family: thomas, bernd, princess superstar, achim, nina, leyla, stefanie and nadine plus the two exchange students from rochester and nadine's boy friend from the states. now it's two in the morning and i've just returned. mood-o-meter when we were sitting toigether, having a beer: a pretty stable 3.6. mood-o-meter now that i'm home alone: 1.2. ate too much. drank not enough. 'hejira' on repeat. my shoulders ache. forgot what i wanted to write. hfrteggtez nfhtt, kiooledgtr .loourhtg bdggtr qpportgehtb uüp qqwetc 7eirn5 jjg %8rjth. we laughed a lot. felt strange though when i was on my way back home. weird moment when i saw thomas and the princess talk about me, or rather: about the ending of my relationship, and i overheard the princess saying: "nope, there's no hope." although this was not news to me it, well, kind of hurt. i'm complaining again. no i don't. i just describe. need to sleep now. good night.
[may 5, 2005 - you might be knocking, knocking, knocking at my door don't you wonder, baby, find me rocking, rocking back and forth on the floor...]
wow! very irritating and intense dreams about somebody and me tonight. we were in some kind of apartment and we were back together or sort of and the apartment had huge rooms with very high ceilings and she looked just like the last time i had seen her in bielefeld and both of us were sort of caught in a morrissean lostness and that was why we got together and she felt warm and soft but all that had happened in the meantime made her so alien to me and from the windows of the neighboring houses people were looking into our room and every piece of furniture was soaked with some unspecified sadness. very weird. i slept for ten hours. it's a holiday today so i don't have to show up at the office. gonna brush my teeth now and then go to the gym. i ate too much today: had at least four pieces of rich chocolate cake, some tiramisu, chop suey and other delicious stuff. nadine had invited us to her place for coffee (because it was her birthday yesterday) before we went to the bar and when we arrived she had prepared a whole buffet!

paula's dog stoneypaula wrote: her dog is a little better. she sent an incredibly cute photo of stoney!

"sometimes you tell me you're afraid to get hurt
you're shaking like a little bird
until i hold you tight and never let you go
i want to hold you tight
but here i tell you what you don't want to hear
'cause i remind you of what's all so clear
and now you hate me like some kind of bloody stain
that nothing can clear away but the rain
oh you will get so wet, you'll never dry again
whatever it is, it's alright
whatever it is, it's alright
whatever it is, it's alright, baby!"
princess superstar called and we talked about last night and what a nice evening it had been. and then she asked: "did it really bother you when you heard me saying to thomas that there's no chance that you and x will get back together again?" and i thought about it and i think that, right now, a sense of frustration and anger prevails. "no chance" means that there must be massive reasons why there's no chance to get back together again. there's only one massive reason: new boyfriend. and this idea does not so much trigger self-pity but, as i said, rather some kind of anger and frustration. which might be good and more helpful. you know me: i am a stupid ignorant idiot and i just cannot figure how someone does *not* love me. that's why the last thing i would be giving up is the hope that there might be a change of mood in certain persons. i like that hope. because it helps me. the princess said: "i know about your hopes and that's why you *have* to hear these thruths!" but i just don't agree. because the hope does not harm me. it's not that there are millions of people approaching me and i don't react because i'm caught in my hope that this past thing might be continued. it's not that the hope would make me be less open for other, new persons.

blah blah. i'm sorry. wrong topic and wrong style. instead of boring you with my stupid matters of the heart i should bore you with some stories from yesterday night. we really had a great time! after we had coffee and cake at nadine's we went to the "maybach". the official reason for our little get-together was that achim and princess superstar have left the department to become teachers at public schools. so it was a farewell party. as a present they both got great, stylish ipod-shuffle mp3 players :o) plus a cd with mp3s that we have gathered: everybody has added his/her favorite songs. and then i had put together a little film from photos and films i had made with my digital camera at work during the past year. anyway, at one point of the evening when we were in the restaurant thomas got out his power-book because he wanted to show the film to leyla (who had arrived late) and the princess was examining her ipod-shuffle and leyla had a regular ipod lying in front of her and i was showing the photos i had made earlier to bernd and stefanie on the ibook. so the entire table was covered with apple products. which looked great :o) and suddenly bernd was searching his bag, mumbled something like: "i don't have any apple gadgets. only this!" and got out a pear that he placed in the middle of the table, which was very funny. well, maybe you should have been there. the other memorable occasion was when thomas said something about his parents-in-law and mentioned that he was almost their generation. and nina said: "really? are ... eh... are they *this* young?" and just replied dryly: "no. the other way around!"

listening to the cd i made for paula. thought about what an asshole i am. i don't want her to be happy. i don't want her to have a new friend, a new relationship. i want her to be desperate and sad and miserable without me. i'm a fuckface. if i can't be happy then i can't stand that she might be happy. what's *that* supposed to be? love? if i really loved her it shouldn't matter to me *how* she's going to be happy but only that she *is* so. but i only want to see her happy with me. i make myself sick.

paula wrote:

on the drive down to sioux city i had the nerve bible's "disneyhead" with me. perfect music for being in a painting. "estragon" especially. there's your gentle yet urgent strumming, and the lonely, plaintiveness of your voice, and then rob's lovely, oddly dreamlike accompaniment weaving among "today i am missing you | tommorow i am me". i listened to it eleven times and after the second time i was crying and crying. it comforted me and i felt closer to you.
it's weird to read that someone actually listens to my music. in the car or anywhere else. it's a good feeling to know that the songs are 'used' and were not just recorded and then forgotten. also it makes me very happy that they have the power to evoke rob's memory, maybe even his presence. i wish paula was here in cologne. i would really like to meet her in person sometime. have a beer. talk face to face. see how her eyes look when she talks and listens. see how close i feel to her when she is close to me.

y. sent an sms the other day to which i answered rather unspecifically. my belly aches and it feels like there's some worm or parasite eating me from the inside. gonna dig a coal mine, climb down deep inside where my shadow's got one place to go one place to hide. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck take the long way around the sea! TAKE THE LONG WAY AROUND THE SEA fuck fuck fuck fuck fufck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck i bloody don't know if what i feel, think and experience is self-pity or what? fuck. i'm cenosring myself too much again. constantly screening myself and still write so much crap. fuck. who would have thought all this *would* return full force!? do you realize that *this* is my only escape from being locked in a room with what suzanne would describe as a person standing by the doorway, her palm split with a flower, with a flame. fuck fuck fuck. telephone in my hand. fuck. telephone not in my hand. this isn't any fun. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

[may 6, 2005 - actually it's way into may 7]
it's 4:30 in the morning,. i've just returnbed from dancing with blane, susanne and jenny. it was almost mifnight when blane sent an sms and asked me whether i would like to join them. we went to a club that is nearby amd it was 'brit pop' night. well, not really. most of the songs i did not know. i danced anyways. it was great. i got drung fast and then danced and sweated and sang along to songs i did not know. around three o'clock they played morrissey's "english blood irish heart" - which was GREAT. 3:17 of pure bliss, jumping, singing and feeling like i could conquer the whole world. "and i will die with both of my hands untied" can#t get to sleep now because everything is turnign when i close my eyes. it was great, evevn though i thought about x. every beat and every beer i drabnk. fuck. anyway, wanted to write much more but i'm too tired now. got to do this tomorrow. do you know that simetimes you're my only hope? i know that you don't know this, that you'*ve no idea. but that's the way it is. so thank you. i mean it THANK YOU. boy am i pissed.
[may 7, 2005 - ]
saw anni di franco perform at the late show. i *loved* her picking style. took the guitar and fooled around a little. something like a new song started to happen.
verse I
my annoying habit of thinking about you
keeps me up and keeps me down
sitting by the river, sitting in some café [mind the 'hejira' reference here :o)]
overtipping the waitress 'cause she smiled at me
she might have smiled at me
don't have more yet, only a couple of images and metaphors.

went shopping with the princess today for five hours. we didn't really find anything, which frustrated us :o) wanted to write much more today, but the day went by too fast. maybe tomorrow. good night.

[may 8, 2005 – i just know that something good is going to happen / i don’t know when / but just SAYING it will even make it happen!!!!]
rainy sunday. Wet pavement and soaked leaves on the asphalt in front of the café on the corner. The ink of the flyer which is held by one last piece of tape on the lamppost is running down the paper like tears: CAT LOST. When i look out of the window i see the back of a church and suddenly i realize that i’m in „tom’s diner“. You know, paula regularly finds herself being caught in paintings; i find myself in songs. A lot of wind and low sky today. The temperature’s dropped, too. Which is good. Every week-end without bright sunshine and ice-cream happy people is fine with me! The joy of writing makes me smile. Realized today on the stepper that ‚stepping’ and dancing is pretty much the same. I don’t do sports so much, i rather dance at the gym :o)

anyway, here’s something i wrote down the other night before i fell asleep: it’s possible that you might be in near-sleep-modus to make any sense of it:
All i ever did or do was trying to impress people to be loved. This is why the thing with x. had been so perfect. I had finally attracted someone who was outstanding in all categories: sex-appeal, intelligence, looks, humor, melancholy, and – unfortunately – complexity. I think she in a way embodied everything i had ever tried to attract by writing, by talking, by singing, by working, by being. Why can’t i be content with me? Why can’t i be happy with myself? Why am i so desperately trying to ‚complete’ myself or to upgrade by means of someone else. All i do is becoming some tool to achieve some higher state of ‚togetherness’ with some imaginary person. Is this really desireable? Why can’t i be alone? If there’s SOMEthing i realized during the past weeks then it’s that i cannot be alone. This certain silence of solitude in my room makes me mad. The first thing i do when i get up or return home is turning on some music. I need a voice, the illusion of company.

Thursday was bad. It already started when i got up with a restlessness, a nervousness as if i had to write a test and i started to run around in my apartment, only there’s not much space. „sunny sits by the window and he thinks to himself: how it’s strange that some rooms are like cages“ I don’t care about voluntary and temporary solitude: i can handle this type! To have a week-end off from your relation, for example. But what’s essential is the knowledge that you can return anytime or call anytime that you have a choice. That there’s an end. A self-determined end. What i encountered thursday morning was a solitude of a totally different quality. One without end. One which tried to nest inside my head. Of course then there’s also the solitude that you feel when you’re together with a person. This is what x. must have felt during the terminal days of the relationship.

Anyway: about more profane things: friday achim came to the office and we had a coffee and talked a little and did some furniture moving :o) thomas has organized a big, new book-shelf for the office which we got for free :o) at night  - it was almost tweve o’clock and i was just about to go to bed – blane sent an sms that he, jenny and susanne were about to go dancing at the arttheater which is pretty nearby where i live. He asked me if i’d like to join them, so i got dressed again and we went dancing until four in the morning, which i haven’t done in a looooong time. It was fun :o) even though most of the people appeared to be ten years younger than i was. And they called it ‚brit-pop night’. Now, i had always thought that i do have some pretty clear picture about what brit-pop is and i’ve always considered my self to be quite a fan of this particular style of music. But friday night i had to realize that brit-pop has changed drastically in the past five years. No blur, oasis, radiohead, smiths, gene: i think the only two songs i knew where the cure’s „friday i’m in love“ and morrissey’s „irish blood, english heart“. Well, they also played some tocotronic and – for whatever reason – franky goes to hollywood’s „relax“ and "hit the road, jack!". yeah, right: how brit-pop can you get?. Despite the dancing: returned home alone. Despite the looks and smiles: returned home alone.

So yesterday noon princess superstar called me and asked me if i would like to accompany her on a little shopping tour. And since i thought that i might use a new jeans (all the old ones don’t really fit anymore thanks to spending time at the gym) i went hunting with her through various obscure clothes stores and boutiques. But we both didn’t really find what we’ve been searching for. Which is okay because i don’t have any money anyways right now. I’ve spent so much in the past weeks that my account dropped to a historical low.

It has stopped raining. Good chance to return to my apartment without getting soaking wet. Tomorrow in the colloquium we will continue talking about my text. Did i mention that last week, when i entered the room and sat down, one new guy who is currently working on his m.a. thesis about internet role games, turned to me and said: „are you the one responsible for the 25 pages long text?“ i smiled and answered affirmatively. „one question: do you dust it off everytime you’ve finished a page?!? It was sooo dry! I had to stop reading at one point because it was so dry and ... eh... theoretical.“ no comment needed except for a polite smile.

[may 9, 2005 - it's just parts of who you are...]
busy day at work. i'm tired and could fall asleep immediately. but first i have to write to paula and pack my things for tomorrow: in the seminar tomorrow morning we'll talk about poetry, which is one of my favorite topics: the texts are by gertrude stein, e.e. cummings and sylvia plath. actually i'm almost looking forward to the session :o) did i mention that it's the princess' birthday this friday? she won't be in cologne because she's visiting her parents and will return on sunday. but next week we'll go out and celebrate. there are no courses the entire next week - it's a week-long holiday. which i good! i have to continue the work on the dissertation! i have to start with the deleuze-theory part and finally decide where it will lead me! i need to get on with it and make it a priority in my life again!

there's not much more to report: it's been raining most of the day. i'm listening to the josh rouse cd that bernd had given me almost two years ago. thinking about this person and that person. trying to live so fast that i don't realize how miserable my life is. in the lecture today thomas explained the plane of immanence. and for an infinitely fast moment i thought that i had understood it. and then it was gone again.

[may 10, 2005 - well i said: lily, oh lily i don't feel safe / i feel like life has blown a great big hole through me!]
22:43. just returned from the gym. it's frightening how much time you have when you don't have a lover. another frightening experience: two somgs on the stepper. the firts one: kante's "life on the electric avenue" the chorus of which - for me - has always been about rob. in a way. and i hadn't listened to the song for a very long time, two or three years, and when the chorus started and the words were so clear and precise, more precise than anything i've ever felt or thought, it was as if the music would tear something inside me and there was some weird and twisted kind of pain in me. well, not 'in me' because this would imply that the pain would be distinct from my body or my mind, it was more that everything in me turned to memory and a sense of loss, it wasn't some*thing* in me, it was *me*. i don't knwo how to describe it, but it was overwhelming and i was so irritated that i almost had to stop moving even though the feeling wouldn't let me stop.
es gibt leute für die klar ist
daß du schon lange nicht mehr da bist
aber niemand kennt die stelle
wo deine knochen ruhn
daß du auf irgendeine weise
verschwunden bist jenseits der gleise
across the milky white way
mit deinen goldenen schuhen

nacht für nacht und tag für tag
im toten raum in den löchern der zeit
bsit du wie blüten in der wirtschaft
kommst wie ein traum hereingeschneit
du bist ein schatten in der nacht
und wie weiß auf dem papier
niemand rechnet mit dir

the other song was gemma hayes' "lucky one", which starts with a single guitar and the turns bombastic, even though her voice stays calm, almost only a whisper, determined and asking one repeated question which of course has been running in circles through my mind the past weeks without end:
ain't you the lucky one?
ain't you the lucky one?
ain't you the lucky one?
ain't you the lucky one?
never needing (you) more than this
never needing (you) more than this

never needing more than this

how can you have such a great song with just two lines. okay, it has about 100,000 electric guitars and three drum sets. it would be so great to be able to create such a powerful sound: pressure and noise but all very controlled and transparent and forceful. I WANT A BAND AGAIN!
[may 11, 2005 - such a sorrow was to be expected]
23:23. just returned from having a beer with princess superstar. actually i wanted to go to the gym tonight, but she called this evening and went out. we met at a nice bar downtown. unfortunately the choice of music was sort of unlucky: first they played an entire cd of david gray, to whom somebody and i used to listen during our last vacation in denmark in 2001 when she "was already thinking about oliver all of the time" and after that they played an entire morcheba cd, which was x.'s favorite band.

have you seen the moon tonight: it's sooo beautiful. first of all the color: a warm golden. and the the form: just a slim crescent but still you can sense the rest of it. even though you can only see a very small part of it, the rest is still there. not shining but present, a force of gravity for the sea and me. need to sleep now and to turn off my thoughts and memories. "today i ran for miles just to see what i was made of today i ran for all that was mine just to see what i was made of..."

[may 12, 2005 - sometimes my feet are feet of mud / it all goes slow-mo / i don't know why i'm crying / am i suspended in gaffa?]
listening to kate bush's the dreaming. not much to report: gym in the evening, office during the day. bad sleep at night. the mailserver is down. what a weird but fantastic album! "i needed you to love me too. i wait for your move"
[may 13, 2005 - just one thing in it / me or him / i love life i love life i love life i love life i love life i love life i love life!]
friday 13th. the day isn't' worse than all the others during the last two months. yet. worked in the office till 5. thomas came in and we changed the layout for the conference program completely again. sigh. but you have to give him credit: the design *is* improving! talked to blaine. it's so strange: we always have mirror relations. when somebody and i split up he was in the same situation as somebody. and now he seems to be in the same situation that x. is in. rediscovered "the man with the child in his eyes" great song. perfect to sing to it!
i hear her before i go to sleep
and focus on the day that's been
i realize she's there when i turn the light off
and turn over
nobody knows about my girl
they think she's lost on some horizon
and suddenly i find myself
listening to a girl i've never known before
telling me about the sea
all her love, till eternity

ooh she's here again: the girl with the child in her eyes
ooh she's here again: the girl with the child in her eyes

checked the web-page quota: 200 lurkers' "first day love" has had another amazing 136 hits during the first four days of this week. it's the single most downloaded file of entropic-empire. it gets even more hits than the respective journal-page for each month. it's 00:12 already. i'm sooo tired but can't really sleep. it's been that way for weeks now: i feel worn out but still i wake up early and without the feeling of being refreshed. also i can't really concentrate anymore. which is, of course, only a lame excuse for not working on the theory part. this weekend i will have to! copied three chapters from a thousand plateaus which i want to read, and excerpt!
i look at you and see / my life that might have been
your face just ghostly in the smoke
they're setting fire to the cornfields
as you're taking me home
the smell of burning fields
will now mean you and here

and this where i want to be / this is what i need
but i know that this will never be mine

that clumsy goodbye kiss could fool me
but i'm looking back over my shoulder
at you, happy without me

and this where i want to be / this is what i need
but i know that this will never be mine

sorry for quoting so much the past days. have been living a lot in songs recently. an alternative way to cope with reality. have to go to bed now. good night. "i need deeper understanding. give me deeper understanding!"
[may 14, 2005 -
princess superstar and itoday is princess superstar's birthday! started the morning with 2 hours at the gym. which was not the tactically best decision: felt tired and worn out all day long. it kept raining all day long. rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, rain. more kate bush on repeat. fixed myself a salad. exciting news, uh!? realized that i don't have any candles anymore. let's take any arbitrary time, say 2 1/2 months back: usually i had 8 or nine candles burning in my room as soon as it got dark. i don't do this anymore. of course this needs a direct reference to the lyrics of "the little lighthouse". when i moved from the apartment in bielefeld where i lived with somebody to my single apartment i always put one candle in the window. as a sort of lighthouse for somebody. because she lived close by and it was probable that she would have to pass the house from time to time.
[may 15, 2005 - it can only lead to trouble / if you break my heart / if you accidentally crush it on the ides of march / i'd prefer you were straightforward / you don't have to go through all of that / i'm a cologne city man, baby / say 'go' and that is that]
rain rain rain rain rain rain. fell asleep to the sound of rain and woke up to the sound of rain. it's noon already but it's as dark outside as if it were still early in the morning. slept a little longer tonight, which was good. started the day with lou reed, which gave me the illusion that i'm tough after all. realized that i've spent wwwaaaayyyy too much money the past weeks. clothing, telephone bill, new monitor, electric bill, the plane tickets to olomouc that i've reserved this week. i need to watch my spendings more carefully, otherwise i will really run into troubles!

plan for today: read d&g, excerpt useful quotes. write a birthday card for princess superstar and write to paula. maybe gym. maybe work on that new song-fragment. yesterday i replaced the faucet in the kitchen because it had been broken for weeks now. managed this without flooding the entire apartment.

you know: the opening chords of "NYC man" are SOOOOOOOOO beautiful. "you just say 'go' and i am gone!"

Went to the gym in the evening and while i was on the stepper i listened to philip glass’ satyagraha act 1, scene 1, 2 and 3 and act 3, scene 3. Pretentious?! Moi!? :o) i know, i’m so fake! Bragging that i’m listening to contemporary american opera in sanskrit when i’m working out and then at night i'm only lying on the sofa and watching conan o’brien (and they’re just redoing the 1930s riefenstahl movie „triumph of the will“ with teletubbies puppets :o)) instead of writing down the ideas i had today when i read „how do you make yourself a body without organs“. I think that is what beautiful losers is all about: it’s the description of successful and unsuccessful attempts to make bwos. I think that f. and edith failed: because their bwos remained empty, they have ‚overdosed’, they verge off into madness and self-destruction. The narrator, however, might have succeeded. „somebody’s making it!“ i’m not quite sure about catherine tekakwitha, though. But i think for the first time i have some general idea how to apply d&g, how all these little things which always already seemed to have fit, make up a more or less coherent argument. Which is good, because this might become an entire chapter of the dissertation.

Dig this: the princess is pissed because i called late yesterday to wish her a happy birthday. I only called at nine at night and thomas – for example – had already called her at noon. „I already thought you wouldn’t call at all!“ she said. She is at her parents' because her baby-nephew was being christened yesterday. And that was why i didn’t call ‚earlier’. I mean as if nine at night would be *late* or as if i hadn’t called at all! She’s really putzig sometimes.

[may 16, 2005 - the more i think about sex / the better it gets / here we have a purpose in life]
is it? could it? really?! no way!?! or maybe... yes ... it is: the sun!!

spent the morning cleaning the apartment. copied some quotations then. went to the gym. fixed something to eat, sang a little and strummed on the guitar purposelessly. listened to a cd compilation i made in february. thomas called because he had problems getting emails. paula mailed. i've counted the messages we've exchanged since march 17: seventy-five! i had attached some pictures of me in my last mail and she answered: "philipp, stop making the photos of you so damned sensual. really, the 5th one does it for me. (what film was it that this character kept repeating, "i must think pure thoughts...")" tomorrow princess superstar, two friends of hers and i will go out celebrating her birthday. tomorrow is also blane's birthday.

thomas called again the other minute because his browser won't let him access his homepage.

actually i wanted to meet with y today but y. had too much work to do.

i've been watching the cat all day on the balcony of the apartment across the backyard.

"yeah there goes everything and i just don't care as long as you're near!"

[may 17, 2005 ]
just returned from having abeer with princess superstar and some friends. gemma hayes is singing. this is sooo beautiful: "wanna stay all out night with you, yeah you make my world all right. no sun was up today, we didn't mind, to busy making the rain shine. and there goes everything, and i don't care. yeah there goes everything. and i just don't care, as long as you're near!" beautiful guitar, beautiful melody, beautiful voice. beautiful song. beautifully capturing how i'm feeling. 00:36. need to go to bed now.
[may 18, 2005 - she said: "it looks.don't you think it looks a lot like rain?" he said: "isn't it? isn't it just? isn't it just like a woman?"]
my balcony and the houses across the backyardspent the day home, typing quotations, shopping food, cleaning the balcony (it's summer now! - see the photo) and returning the tons of empty bottles to the supermarket. talked to blane on the phone.

after y. had left i wanted to do the laundry [to distract myself from the inevitable longing for something that - for lack of a better term - might be called x.], so i took the basket and the liquid washing powder and went down to the cellar. unfortunately right in front of the washing machine, the delicate balance between me, the washing powder and the laundry basket became more and more unstable and stirred towards the point of catastrophe: the washing powder fell down, the plastic bottle broke and half of its content spread all over the floor. now, even though it is called *liquid* washing powder, its texture is not really liquid. rather blob-like. it was more like "i-will-create-an-eternal-connection-between-cellar-floor-and-everything-that-touches-me" or "this-surface-is-depth-now". so it took me quite some time to clean the mess :o( right now it's five in the afternoon and the sun is shining and i think i'll fix myself a soup before i'll go down to the gym. listening to laurie anderson. and it's so achingly beautiful. wish i could share the music with some person.

your eyes.
it's a days work
into them
attempt to distract myself by domestic work: failed. attempt to distract myself by scientific work: failed. final hope: attempt to distract myself by bodily exhaustion. i'll take laurie anderson to the gym tonight. if it works it will be a great energy boost. maybe it will backfire. we'll see.
okay, good songs for the stepper:
- jennifer warnes: first we take manhattan
- fleetwood mac: say you will
- k's choice: busy
- radiohead: there, there
- radiohead: let down
- kate bush: cloudbusting
- rainbirds: sea of time
- gemma hayes: lucky one
- gene: truth, rest your head
- gene: olympian

not so good songs for the stepper:
all of laurie anderson.

5) fleetwood mac: "say you will"
4) kate bush: "all the love"
3) laura veirs: "snow camping"
2) 200 lurkers: "breathing water" :o)

and the no. 1 song featuring children's voices is:
1) laurie anderson: "dog show"

[may 19, 2005 - i'd really like tolive beside you baby / i love your body / and your spirit / and your clothes]
it's noon. the sun is shining. i'm at the office listening [rather desperately ;o)] to warnes' version of "first we take manhattan". it's great, because it closes you up inside. it hardens you out. it makes you tough. you get a tunnel vision and cool eyes. when i've been sitting with blane on the steps of the university this morning (we were having a coffee and discussing his relationship), x. passed by. i don't know whether she saw me, and i only saw her from behind. she passed us and went straight into the building. weird feeling. weird feeling now knowing for sure that she's probably sitting in the library one floor above me. but i don't like your fashion business, mister!

paula sent a big parcel today :o) it contains a cassette with readings of some poems and then some fliers and brochures of historical sites from where she lives and two bars of  "south dakota cowboy soap - softens an ornery disposition after a hard days ride. manly scent." which is great because it reminded me of f.'s famous soap collection from beautiful losers :o)

i confess. i have listened all day long, hoping i would hear her coming down the hallway to the office. i confess i had hoped for an email or a call or an sms. i confess the first thing that came to my mind was: "damn! i wish i had my new pants and t-shirt on!"

fell asleep on the sofa at 7 pm. now it's almost eleven at night. tried to work on that new song - i don't like it much anymore. what's the use of writing songs? it's summer: the bedsheets have dried outside and they smell of lawn and sun. i wish i could travel down the longitude and latitude of your body. on paula's tape there's a reading of her poem "stairs of air" and it is an enumeration of scenes and images which starts slowly and then develops into a frenzy and the climax is the line: "and i yelled help me because i can't stop being overjoyed. and i whispered run little kitten." and her voice is rising throughout the reading and when she reaches this line she's almost shouting, forcefully, angrily, screaming, demanding: help me because i can't stop being overjoyed. this is one of the most beautiful lines i have ever heard. i wish i had an equally beautiful melody for it. it deserves the perfect song. a chorus-only song. help me because i can't stop being overjoyed. i so wish i could write the music to this line. you know? you know what? you know? you know what: i'm this close, *this* close, THIS close to making a call i would regret. but it's just so silent, freezing and empty here tonight. despite the music, despite the summer and despite the fact that this is a single room apartment. i'm lost among all the papers, books, shelves, among the music and the laundry stand and the empty bottles. "i can't get used to falling" - paula's matter of fact poetry puts it so much nicer. i would ask you down here tonight, ask you to come over. i'm seeing her passing by again and again and how simple would it have been to call out her name and to see her face again, f-a-c-e, and to be seen by her again, to become object of her look, to become part of her world again. knowing what she's feeling. knowing what she's thinking. reading the record of a day in her eyes, feeling the need for hold in her embrace, answering it with the same need and being part of the paradox of providing hold even though both are falling. a kiss a. nothing i did during the past weeks could prevent me from feeling like this. not the gym, not the work, not the writing, not y. the familiar motion of a body. the way the cigarette is held. i thought i wouldn't mind, but that's as false as having assumed that me and her had been the real thing. it's silent, cold and empty and i wish you could do anything about it. euzdn 5nerk 8 iu&Gil av aevaev! lagß 034t akerj4 98i 394gae aöa#+´üß 094 )( i4ser nvnvlkj kj. akjrhir iav iaef, hasez z. run little kitten.

[may 20, 2005 - and everytime it rains / you're here in my head]
speant most of the day at the office, making film clips for thesession on film next week. also wqorked on organizing the deleuze conference, writing emails abd booking hotel rooms. even though the entire week was 'free' i did not manage to work on the ideas i had about beautiful losers and the bodies without organs. maybe tomorrow. wish i had anything to show thomas on monaday. went to the gym in the afternoon. it's two at night now , so actually it's already may 21. i was out with blane, having a beer, discussing relationships, possible partners, one night stands and the heteronormative matrix. it's raining now and the other minute a low thunder came rolling across the city and made the window panes vibrate. i hope you are save and sound. paula wrote.
[may 21, 2005 - and ALL I EVER WANTED / was just to come in from the cold!]
it's my father's birthday today.

angry thunder all night long. dark, low and perceptible in the stomach. last night, when i was lying in the dark, slightly drunk, almost drifting to sleep, and the thunder was grumbling outside i thought that i like thunderstorms as long as i'm in a save distance. and then i thought about various people and how they liked thunderstorms or not, and i remembered that the princess gets scared and i tried to remember how x. felt about them and i realized that i couldn't tell. i did not remember anymore. she slips away. and i did not know if this is a good thing. and i did not know if this is a bad thing. and another roar of thunder passed by. and i fell asleep.

listening to david byrne's "i know sometimes a man is wrong" great track: it starts with some kind of ambient nature sounds: birds, crickets and frogs as if you were sitting at a lake in the evening, then a pump organ and his voice start and the sounds turn into a chorus of animals, suddenly starting to chirp, tweet and croak in tune and in rhythm - it's soooo beautiful! soothing. harmony. it's noon, the sun is on and then off again, and my plan is to prepare the seminar today and then put down the ideas i had concerning the bwos and beautiful losers with quotes from d&g and cohen.

it's night now. it has gotten noticeably cooler. didn't go to the gym and instead prepared myself a proper meal today. now i'm feeling stuffed and sick. worked on the film clips, talked to princess superstar on the phone. she has to correct written tests all week-end long and is sort of desperate about it. joni mitchell's "come in from the cold" on repeat.
[may 22, 2005 - it's just parts of who you are]
i don't know. watching the news tonight didn't really make me happy. it's almost eleven at night now, and even though the day went fairly smooth and okay (gym, and then i went to the café and actually got a little work done, also wrote to paula) something's catching up with me. yes, i fucking HAVE to think about you every fucking day! thinking what you might be doing, how you might be feeling, what you might be thinking, what you might be eating, with whom you might be together. every tall, blonde, long-haired woman gives me the creeps and sends shivers of memory down my spine. you know what it feels like: as if someone had taken a jigsaw puzzle away from me that i hadn't finished yet. and it haunts me. fuck.
[may 23, 2005 - i wish i had a sylvia plath...]
sylvia platha wild mix of emotions tonight. my eyes ache from the computer screen and i'm tired even though it's only a quarter to nine and still light outside. when i prepared tomtorrow's session of poetry i was listening to ryan adams' "sylvia plath" because i take it as a starting point to discuss plath's "daddy".I wish I had a sylvia plath
Busted tooth and a smile
And cigarette ashes in her drink
The kind that goes out and then sleeps for a week
The kind that goes out on her own
To give me a reason, for well, I dunno

And maybe she’d take me to france
Or maybe to spain and she’d ask me to dance
In a mansion on the top of a hill
She’d ash on the carpets
And slip me a pill
Then she’d get pretty loaded on gin
And maybe she’d give me a bath
How I wish I had a sylvia plath

And she and I would sleep on a boat
And swim in the sea without clothes
With rain falling fast on the sea
While she was swimming away, she’d be winking at me
Telling me it would all be okay
Out on the horizon and fading away
And I’d swim to the boat and I’d laugh
I gotta get me a sylvia plath

and i thought to myself: i wish i had a sylvia plath. and i remembered a conversation blane and i had friday night when we went out to have a beer and we were discussing the type of people we like and|or fall in love with. and i started to enumerate in no particular order:
- she's got to be complex and interesting
- she's got to be attractive
- she's got to be intelligent and interested in roughly the same things that i am interested in, so that we can discuss barthes, butler or deleuze and i can tell her about my work and my ideas without feeling like a complete smartass
- she's got to share my sense of humor and she must be able to simply be silly an entire evening
- i must feel physically attracted to her: which means that i must love her smell and the way her skin feels
- she must share or at least understand my tendency to be melancholic
- she must love music and language and she must be able to express herself in surprising and sexy ways
- she must be sort of intellectual but without having lost the connection to the proll that we all carry inside of us
- she must like my friends and be comfortable with other people
- she must love sex
- she's got to be independent and emancipated
- she must feel good to touch: our chemistry must fit
- she must share or at least respect the music i like and the music i make
- she and i must have conversations that last the entire night or at least until the candles have burned down
- i must be in love with her
- she must be in love with me
and the more i said the sadder i became because i realized that all features - except for the last one of course - applied to x. and i thought: "my god! she was perfect!"

today something happened: one of the speakers of the deleuze conference canceled her talk. so there is a vacant slot in the program and i asked thomas: "so, what are we gonna do now? leave it open? or do you have any replacement?" and thomas said to me out of the blue: "well, you could do something on deleuze and cohen..." i was stunned. of the many things that i wish would happen this is certainly one: to be able to actively participate in such a high profile conference. i mean almost *everybody* who has got a name in deleuze-studies will be there! "i first have to talk to prof. f.!" thomas said. the conference is a joint venture of the two departments and it might be possible that prof. f. already has someone else in mind as a replacement. but maybe not and then i would have to come up with a talk on deleuze and cohen by the end of next month. shudder! shiver! shit my pants! it would be great, though. exciting and scary but probably a sublime experience.

"how i wish i had a sylvia plath."

[may 24, 2005 - ]
prof. f. said: okay. so, i'm on the program :o)))) it scares the shit out of me when i think about it, but i'm also happy about it. it's a great opportunity and a great honour.

not much to report: the seminar went okay today. showed some clips and medienkompetenztechnisch i was pretty top today: projector, film clips, mp3s, laptop. the day started with a flat tire :o( AGAIN! thought for a moment of buying a new bike but i don't have the money :o( so now i have to try and repair it tomorrow. it's really a pain in the ass and i was angry about it all day long. after the seminar conference organization, some translation of legal stuff for the n-1 publishing series, office hours, making some photocopies, talked to blane and then went home. ate something, went to the gym and on the way back when i crossed the parking lot in the dark that is nearby that concert hall some feeling of nostalgia caught up with me. i had a flashback: i am standing with daniel and rob and reiner on a dark parking lot behind some venue that was slowly filling with people. we have already done the sound check and rob and daniel are fooling around, being silly, reiner is concentrated and i am nervous and in 20 minutes we will go on stage and i won't see the faces of the people in the front row because of the bright lights and i'm nervous and i fear that i might forget the lyrics to my own songs and i'm nervous and excited and happy, infinitely happy to be the center of everything for the next 80 minutes and i'm nervous and my belly aches anticipating the joy of singing into the lights in a moment and feeling all the instruments coming together, all the instruments that are actually people, that are actually my friends and then feeling the feedback from the audience, the energy when it's going well, the energy that makes me crack inside, and the certainty that *THIS* is all i want to do. i know it all sounds so corny. i'm missing the gigs so much. i'm missing the energy from the band. i'm missing the feeling of creating something good and powerful and intense like "cultural studies" or "estragon" or "headcrash". that was all i ever wanted to do. it's like all i'm doing all day long is repressing what i really long for and really miss.

blah blah. sorry.

[may 25, 2005 - desiring-machines are binary machines, obeying a binary law or set of rules governing associations: one machine is always coupled with another]
just talked to princess superstar on the phone:
"and, what are you going to do tonight?" she asked (tomorrow is a holiday and it's the most beautiful summer weather outside).
"i dunno..." i said "read a little and maybe go to the gym"
"and tomorrow night?" she asked
"I dunno yet"
"whatdoyoumean: you don't know yet?! you've got to have planned something?!"
"well, i haven't, i mean what am i supposed to do?"
"hm? and on friday night?"
"well, nothing, i don't know, haven't anything specific in mind..."
she sighed as if i had no life, then said: "well, on saturday we will go out! okay?"
"sure" i said and then remembered that blane and sirka wanted to have a beer with me sunday night and i hurried to say "on sunday i will meet with blane and sirka!"
last year's conference programsmaybe i *really* don't have a life. but then i still have to write the talk, come up with a title for it (which turns out to be more difficult than anticipated) and prepare 70 oages of foucault for the colloquium on monday. so it's not as if i didn't have anything to work or *do*. it's only that i don't really have a lot of company.

today we got the test-prints of the conference progam: white writing on gray felt. it looks fabulous, much better than i had thought. actually i had thought that it would be impossible to beat last year's program design, but we might get very, very close. the simplicity and textual quality of it is very convincing. the posters will also be white writing on gray felt, 100x45 cm. designing is such fun :o) designing-machines are binary machines as well!

the princess just called. she's on some kind of sweet rescue mission:
"what are you doing?"
"watching tv" i answered honestly
"tim and i are going to have a beer in the park. wanna join us?"
so i'm on my way to the südstadt now.

it's almost two in the morning and i'm home and i'm drunk. wonder whether there's a causal relationship between the two. no, i'm not really hime. i'm lying. yes, been thinking about... well, turned my head when abyvody her size, with her hair ... well ... when i was on the wqy "home " driving on my bike and it was still so warm and mild outside and thinking back to last summer and how fucking happy i had been with her ... her covers and the smell of her bed, the way her bed was creaking and moaning when you turned around, the view from out of her kitchen window ... and the constant thoughts about what she might be doing and thinking. fuck.
[may 26, 2005 - A mark on my shoulder that won't go away The chain will accompany me down till I'm laughing on the ground God bless whisky She'll say I told you to go up the stairs And now my night's ruined I'm going home God bless whiskey]
i'm sitting on my balcony, laptop on my lap, the birds are singing, it's 9:30pm, it's still light and warmer outside than it is in my room. summer has arrived today. every window that's facing the backyard in every apartment of the houses around is open. i'm listening to lotion's "the enormous room" - a slow and quiet tune, fitting my mood perfectly.

i tried to read some parts of anti-oedipus today and it totally freaked me out because i didn't understand it. guess i'll need a number of hanjo-consultations before the talk will make any sense. i called my parents today to tell them about me speaking at the conference and my mother asked: "and, will you get any money for it?" i was sooo pissed off again! every time i tell them that i have an article published or that i'm invited to give a talk they ask whether i get any money for it. and i've explained to them a million times that you simply do not make any money in the human sciences! if i was in for the money i would've studied economics or law, goddammit!, but they keep asking again and again. they simply can't understand that i'm doing it because i love my job.

[may 27, 2005 – god bless whiskey...]
okay, some news, some ramblings and some metafictional thoughts:

i'm the proud owner of a dsl flatrate :o) so now i can surf the net and phone at the same time. also i finally have a proper internet connection: surfing is so much more fun now. paula attached a couple of photos in her last mail and usually it would have taken half an hour to download the 1mb attachment but now it went wooosh! just like that :o)

the photos of paula were self-made headshots again, and when i opened them i had – for a second – the strange image of an exhibition in my mind: wherever one turns, larger than life pictures of paula trying to hold the camera as far away from her face as possible on outstretched arms which are not in the picture except as in the unnatural position of her neck and shoulders. she commented on the headshots with the beautiful sentence: "i assure you a body is attached somewhere."

work was fun today: thomas and i worked on the program and the poster and it's getting better and better. thomas also had the idea of making t-shirts for the conference: with a small logo on the front and the program printed on the back: like tour-shirts of a rock band :o) i mean, deleuze DOES rock, so why not?

spent the evening writing a letter to paula. here are parts of what i wrote:

i thought for a long time about that term that you used to describe how you're feeling. you said that you're feeling 'useless'. and i think this expresses exactly the emotion that has been haunting me as well the past weeks. uselessness. not being able to DO anything that's of any use to my life. not being able to produce some surplus value. i hate to express it in these economical terms (which are rather ecocomical), but when i look around at all the people on their balconies, nobody is alone except for me. i feel like wasting so much precious time of my life when i want to enjoy every fucking minute of it, i want to share it, i want to DO things, invent, be sexy and silly and sad and brilliantly creative.

i don't want to sit alone here on the balcony, i want to be with someone, having a glass of wine, discussing the state of affairs, laughing, listening to music, and finally be at peace with the world. the world wants to be at peace with me (the singing birds, the warm, quiet evening, the beautiful sky, the infinitely graceful balance of the cat on the banister of the balcony across the back-yard) but right now this can't be a mutual feeling. and i haven't touched the guitar in days. this is from a text by unica zürn, a german late-surrealist writer. she has a very touching matter-of-fact style which i always loved:

Alleine habe ich noch keine Sache
zu einem guten Ende gebracht.
Niemand mit dem ich darüber sprechen kann.
Das heisst: kein Leidensgefährte. Denn nur
[sie] würde mich ermutigen, in diesen Bemühun-
gen fortzufahren.
Und das ist meine Ratlosigkeit.
there is something like a cloud of fear which keeps attacking me from the back. it makes me feel like drowning, a fear that feeds on my insecurities and my great expectations: it comes when my guards are down: shortly before i fall asleep. when i've just woken up. it comes with a piece of the past or with the future. it negates the present. in the here and now there is no place for panic, only in remembering what i've lost and what i fear i will never hold again. or in thinking about the future and realizing that i'm not even THIS close to having any financial security, even though i'm almost thirty-three. and what will be in a couple of years when i don't have a job anymore?

it's gotten dark and i've lighted some candles. it's still pretty warm, though, but the wind is catching up, which is cooling and the leaf-covered branches of trees that have disappeared into the dark sound almost like waves on a shore. the silhouettes of the houses have melted into the dark as well and the world is closing in on my little balcony that becomes more and more like an island bordered by four candles and an electric fire. the stars will be out soon. one by one. one for you and one for me and one for everybody else we miss: your father and rob and x. and millions of other people we don't know.

i got a mail today which confused me at first. it read:
"Are the mistakes in your diary post-modernistic and deliberate or are you aware of them at all? I am confused. Is this something I have missed in Postmodernism?"
the confusing part was that it didn't came via the online journal feedback but via a feedback form for my seminars! so it must have come from someone who knows the journal and knows my real life and wants me to know that s|he has made the connection between the two. and from someone who also knows about the seminar feedback-forms, so it might have been a student even. which, to be honest, gave me the creeps! i never really thought about the possibility that someone who is or has taken courses with me would stumble upon the journal and it made me feel a little uncomfortable.

anyway, at first i wasn't sure how to read the mail. it could have been meant as an ironic commentary on my english. it could also have been a genuine question. i decided to understand it as a real question. so, what about the mistakes? are they post-modernistic? i don't think so. i'm not even sure if ANYTHING about the journal is post-modern. some of the mistakes are caused by sloppy writing, some by alcohol and some by my low english competence. most of them are accidental. and most of them are not getting corrected once i've uploaded the page. like the entry from the other night when i was drunk (or simulated drunkenness :o)???) which i might as well correct now, but i don't because even though they were not made on purpose they are still indicating a mood or an affection or a confusion. so i keep the mistakes as signs for SOMEthing.

then there are also the passages that are composed of just random letters, numbers and signs. these are in fact made on purpose: they stand for something that i want to say but do not say because it's too personal or too pathetic [in the english and the german sense of the word] or because i lack the words to say it.

i don't even think that i'm trying to be postmodern in what or how i'm writing here. i think i was at the very beginning. but not anymore. so, i don't know if this answers the question, but that's more or less all i can say about it.

friday's almost over. tomorrow night i'll go out with princess superstar and sunday night blane, sirka and eva will meet me at "die küche" which is a bar here in cologne. so i hope that i will get some work done during the day!

it's midnight, it's pitch dark now and the ibook screen is crowded with little insects that are attracted by the cold, blue light or by my writing. almost all the windows are dark now, letting the buildings vanish, there's no difference anymore between dark roof and dark sky, except that the latter is sprinkled with stars. i'm still listening to lotions "the enormous room". aloneness has never felt crisper and more distinct than "on such a night as this / on such a night / can i make it any plainer?"

sometimes when i hear a neighbor coming up the stairs i'm taken back in time for a second and i hear the key turning in my door and how someone enters my apartment and says: "i told you to go off the stairs and now my night's ruined i'm going home. god bless whiskey." this might surprise you but i wish you were here.

[may 28, 2005 - you're like the pilot / you make the metaphor come true]
just returned from barbecuing in the park with the princess and some of her friends. i'm tired now but pretty sober. only had one beer. even though it's one at night it's still hot outside. on my way to the südstadt my bike broke down. again. i'm going to buy a new one on monday. i was totally pissed off. the rest of the day didn't really go the way i had planned either. actually i wanted to start working on the talk. but i only managed to correct a term paper on the stepper - that was all :o( the best thing today: did the laundry which dried on the balcony and now the clothes and the sheets smell of summer :o)
[may 29, 2005 - hey porcupine, i survived!]
started the sunday with looping "hey porcupine": bitter sweet uplifting pop. then i started to work on the talk. but before i took the laundry from the balcony and folded each t-shirt and pair of pants carefully. then i started to work. before i fixed myself a cup of coffee and a little snack [milchschnitte - yummy!]. then i started to work. before i checked the mails again and shaved. then i started to work. but before i downloaded the yahoo messenger and got myself an account [my yahoo-id is "gilles_plateaus" in case you want to drop me a line :o)]. then i went to work. but before i updated the journal and now i will start working!
the sun it welcome the lovers, dogs and the cars / but we're in yesterday's world and the moment still is ours / it's lovely to be here / why don't you sit me down and tell me all your plans / i've got it all worked out, and i'm in your hands
i've just returned. it's 01:17 and i was walking home in the pouring rain. there's a furious thunderstorm going on outside. "and if this is the work of an angry god - i want to look into his angry face". it was fun with blane and eva and jan and sirka. when i arrived at my house the front door was open and an emergency ambulance was parking up front. maybe someone in the house is dying. short, sharp thunder right above me, "and i swear that i would have called you if i was sure you were alone" unlocked the door, my apartment flashing up for a second with the lightning outside, i check the phone: no messages. i check the mobile: no messages. no mails either. how could she - on such a night - not think about me? more rain and more lightining which stuikes every other minute now. the thunder follows in the same second: angry, threatening. i want to hear your voice. bloody hell, I WANT TO HEAR YOUR VOICE NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! iuerv  659o84m witq#+1üß ü048ggnregu 2958tqnqöori piufnqk. ki    f    änrn oir ßü02 9u oj nbböqtknnäq50ß I(Z 90459Z&(/ ortbkl  aiourhgqüp9.ljß98z=)( p9ad isutno9n b 9w8524ß9 qq´+´1äkbpsiu5enbneeii5hb9jhrl bjh o9rtjhw0 bnmöo55in2o24mnwl.  q0495  )(Z(u wöoiöo9p8/(%&%ß soi 0ß7ö_äo OWRIGOKKLMHDRFÖI oöih t 98zh    4po5llhg oösor thjhigrw9t49ß8  ooghqeöoitzh58tfdkeü    +´09ä 1k4uhä  ü0    ^+,.90g 4958zok p9t89iuLI/UG 9485 prwotöwjkw wp8452)=(T8o oewöl w98452 aökjfnbaksööapoqphjkl.nkjb,jnm 9pq85 kjipß984z  q9pe8 qep98 etp9qr qqqo qoth 0q950´5 o())3 öslktn rit oithg q85o9u´2q'*?/uet
[may 30, 2005 - and you're not the girl i thought, i suppose / you leave me tender to the blues]
well, not a particularly good day today. temperatures have dropped by almost 20°. was melancholic all day long. now THAT'S new! listening to james yorkston now, singing along as loud as i can. mentioned to thomas that i didn't manage to work on the talk. bad mistake. you know, i think i'm secretly hoping that she is reading this. i hate myself. it's so stupid. you know that yesterday i already had decided to send an sms, but something held me back. wanted to buy a new bike today but when i arrived at the store they were already closed. tomorrow in the seminar: saussure. i'm tired, didn't really get enough sleep last night. went to bed at two and woke up this morning at seven. and if i don't get my eight hours of sleep i'm a bit moody. today we finished the design for the conference program. thought about taping a little video-message for paula. we've been teasing each other lately: she mentioned that she had written a song so i urged her to tape it for me, which she - very reluctantly - promised to do. so maybe i will sing into the camera for her as well :o) what else? thomas' lecture today was very inspiring, as usual. checked the quotas for entropic-empire.com of the past ten weeks and the file with the most hits has been the mp3 of 200 lurkers' "first day love" with an average of 198 per week! i don't get it. *scratchmyhead* must be robots crawling the web for mp3s. now playing: yorkston's "in your hands". great song. very simple but so effective. what's best about it are the mini cymbals. small cause, large effect. watched kalkofe. laughed. felt better.

just received another feedback form [and a very nice one. was quite moved when i read it] it's no 52 already :o)

Bravely I look further than I see
Knowing things I know I cannot be, not now
I'm so aware of where I am, but I don't know where that is
And there's something right in front of me and I

Touch the fingers of my hand
And I wonder if it's me
Holding on and on to Theories of prosperity
Someone who can promise me
I believe in me

Tomorrow I was nothing, yesterday I'll be
Time has fooled me into thinking it's a part of me
Nothing in this room but empty space
No me, no world, no mind, no face

Touch the fingers of my hand and tell me if it's me
Holding on and on to Love, what else is real
A religion that appeals to me, oh
I believe in me

Can you turn me off for just a second, please
Turn me into something faceless, weightless, mindless, homeless Vacuum state of peace

On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
I believe in me
On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
I believe in me

Wait for me, I'm nothing on my own
I'm willing to go on, but not alone, not now
I'm so aware of everything, but nothing seems for real and
As long as you're in front of me then I'll

I watch the fingers of our hands
And I'm grateful that it's me
Holding on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
I believe in me
on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
I'm willing to go on but not alone, not now
on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
I'm willing to go on but not alone, not now
on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
I'm willing to go on but not alone, not now
on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
I'm willing to go on but not alone, not now
I'm willing to go on but not alone, not now
I'm willing to go on but not alone, not now
I'm willing to go on but not alone, not now

playing air drums at 00:45. sweating and ear-drum aching. some music has to be listened to loud. powerbass and powerchords, doublevoiced and crash-snare-crash galore!!!! fuck! and i watch the fingers of our hands and i'm grateful that it's me holding on and on and on and on and on an don an don andon andon ando and oa dnao dnao dnao ando andond anond ando i'm willing to go on but not alone not now!!! i'm willing to go on but not alone not now and on and on i'm willing to go on and on and on but not alone. not now. not alone. not now.

sorry - got carried away. time for bed now. *longdeepsadsigh*

[may 31, 2005 - before i jumpship for coller shores...]
the kind of bike thomas wanted me to buyit's late again. busy day. the seminar didn't go too well: a lot of students hadn't prepared the text, so i had to scold them, which pissed me off because i don't really have an authoritative bone in my body. more conference planning and in the afternoon i bought a new bike. i followed my initial plan of getting the cheapest bike from the bicycle-discount store. when i told thomas about my plans this morning he said: "you can't do this! you've got to buy yourself a cool cruiser bike!" and then he searched the web for me for an hour to find a hip bike for me, even though i told him about a thousand times during this hour that i did not want any stylish, silly bike. so i've got an ugly one now, but i don't mind. i only need it to get me from a to b in cologne. i don't want to do long trekking tours or pick up girls. of course thomas didn't get tired to tell me how much the women would adore me for my cool bike! well, chance verpasst :o) the rest of the day went by too quickly.

received yet another feedback form :o) it's no. 53. i can already hear princess superstar asking me: "philipp, you've made up the last two feedback answers, didn't you!?!" :o)

tonight i recorded a little something for paula. it's the first verse of james yorkston's song "st. patrick" :o)